Ben Shapiro Got A Wood

Ben Shapiro was furious.

He had read on the internet that Black people in Georgia, Black so-called "faith leaders," were calling for boycotts of Home Depot, because the company wouldn't publicly speak out against Georgia's new voting law, which Ben was just pretty sure was a good and non-racist law to keep the wrong kind of people from voting.

Ben wasn't about to let the libs cancel Home Depot, a place he had heard of.

"Wife!" said Ben, to wife. "I am to embark on a long journey! I shall set about to discover the nearest Home Depot and purchase various and sundry goods, to own the libs!"

Into his bedroom closet Ben went to choose a uniform for his quest. Settling on some ill-fitting Lee jeans, a thick black belt, and a tucked-in T-shirt that clung to his sagging nipples, Ben departed for his new favorite store, leaving Wife behind with a traditional side-hug.

He would ONLY shop at Home Depot from now on.

As Ben drove to Home Depot, he found himself wondering what Home Depot was, and if he could really buy all things there, as he had promised on Twitter. It sounded like some kind of depot full of things you'd want in your home. Hopefully they have the piano book for Les Miserables!

Arriving at Home Depot, Ben realized this was not the kind of depot he had imagined. There were strong men and women walking around everywhere with various power tools and mulch and potted plants and wow, Ben had never been to a hardware storebefore.

With excited trepidation, Ben ventured toward the insecticide aisle, hoping maybe this "Home Depot" sold some kind of "Wet Ass P-Word" spray, to prevent Wet Ass P-Words, which Dr. Wife had recently informed him was a very serious disease.

Turning a corner, Ben Shapiro saw a Black person.

Scuttling away as quickly as possible, Ben had a new idea. He could BUILD something! And what do you use to build things? Ben did not know. Probably some construction paper, because hello, it must be called construction paper for a reason, and maybe some Elmer's Glue. Glitter? They did not seem to have glitter at the Home Depot. "Ugh," muttered Ben under his breath. "Guess I'll have to make a Hobby Lobby stop on the way home."

But then Ben saw that the Home Depot had wood. So much wood. And he had an idea: Shelves are made of wood! Ben could build, with his bare, meaty, muscular, hairy hands, a shelf to store all his canceled children's toys!

He could line them up, his Dr. Seuss books and his MISTER Potato Heads, and OOH! OOH! MAYBE he could put his two empty bottles of Aunt Jemima syrup next to each other, but not too close, because he wouldn't want Wife to think they were lesbian-ing each other and get any ideas.

Ben was so. fudging. excited. Ben was a construction man! Ben was a hardware store guy! Ben was a construction man who went to the hardware store! And he was a hardware store construction WARRIOR against cancel culture!

If Ben was allowed to get erections, this would have been the time.

Ben Shapiro marched into the wood section with the confidence of Ben Shapiro.

"I would like an order of wood, please," said Ben to the person at Home Depot he assumed was the certified wood barista.

"All right, sir! We have wood! What size? How much? What are you building? Do you need lumber or ... "

"Oh, I am just doing my part to stop the cancel culture!" said Ben. "One wood will do. This is for Instagram."

"OK, sir, but I ... I don't think you can really do anything with just one piece of ... "

Great, thought Ben Shapiro. Got a pushy salesperson on my hands. Gonna make Ben Shapiro buy a whole set of woods.

But Ben stood his ground. (Oh yeah. Not just a construction hardware man, but one who knows how to negotiate.)

Firmly, he said, "I would like to try one wood today, and if I like it, I promise I'll buy my next slice of wood from YOU, my most favorite wood barista, at my most favorite store, the Home Depot!"

"Wood doesn't really come by ... by the ... did you say slice? "

Frustrated, Ben grabbed the largest slice of wood he could carry and thrust it in the direction of the salesperson. "Please giftwrap my slice of wood for me."

The salesperson, through with this, stuck the wood in the smallest bag they could find, which seemed to satisfy this peculiar customer.

Ben was really not enjoying this Home Depot trip very much anymore. People don't know how hard you have to work to really own the libs. Also hardware stores are kind of stinky.

"One more question!" Ben exclaimed. "Do you have the Les Mis songbook? I seem to have lost mine and you know how it is when you're a singer and your sister is a singer and you're like no that's my Les Mis songbook and she's like no that's my Les Mis songbook and you're like no that's my Les Mis songbook and she's like no that's my Les Mis songbook and UGH! Girl you know how it is."

The salesperson did not know how it was, but regretfully informed Ben that Home Depot doesn't sell the Les Mis songbook.

"My sister and I are extremely famous but I'm more famous than she is," Ben added, to a person who had walked away.

Ben went to the cash register and carefully wrote a check for his new slice of wood. In the memo line, he wrote "uncanceled!"

Once in the parking lot, he showed the internet what he had done to protect everybody's freedom.

Ben was satisfied, but realized as he drove home that he better get rid of his wood. If he came in hauling that thing, Wife might think he was a real-live burly brawny man of construction, and you never know what that might lead to, #nosex.

Ben flung his wood out the window, almost striking a jogger.

He still stopped by the Hobby Lobby for construction paper and glitter, of course.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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