Ben Shapiro Knows As Much About Murder Mysteries As He Does Anything Else

Ben Shapiro Knows As Much About Murder Mysteries As He Does Anything Else

I’ve gathered you all here today to reveal that Ben Shapiro is a moron. Shapiro is apparently very confused about the new movie Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery, and like most mediocre white men on Twitter, he has framed his ignorance as a flaw in the film itself.

Glass Onion is writer/director Rian Johnson's sequel to his 2019 hit Knives Out. They both star Daniel Craig — James Bond himself — as gay detective Benoit Blanc. That probably already makes the film too "woke" for Shapiro, but Glass Onion alsoskewers the rich and clueless. Edward Norton plays tech billionaire Miles Bron, who invites his equally vapid if not quite as wealthy friends to his Greek island during the COVID-19 pandemic for a murder mystery game. The cast includes national treasure Katherine Hahn, screen legend Kate Hudson, Hamilton's Leslie Odom Jr., and unlikely comic genius Dave Bautista.

Norton has described his character as an amalgamation of the worst traits from "quite a number of men and women." He said there are specific Easter eggs to "about six or seven of the Tech illuminati." However, Shapiro insists this is a blatant hit job on Twitter CEO and incel hero Elon Musk, who didn't even launch his takeover until April, and Glass Onion wrapped filming in September 2021. You can see why Shapiro would struggle with the complexities of your average whodunit.


Is Ben Shapiro Smarter Than A Fifth Grader

Hey Kids, Ben Shapiro Here To Talk About About 'Moisture State Of Your Own Vagina'

Nothing Makes Ben Shapiro Madder Than Capitalism Working For Poor People

Shapiro's tweets usually read like a toddler on a step stool shouting at the top of his lungs so people will pay attention to him. This one is no different: "I regret to inform you that “Glass Onion” is actively bad. I will discuss first the actual writing of the movie followed by the politics of it. Both suck. SPOILERS follow.”

Shapiro could’ve watched Breitbart'sMy Son Hunter movie, but instead he decided to hate watch Glass Onion. That’s his business, but he didn’t have to be so relentlessly (and publicly) stupid about it. I will credit him for supplying a spoiler warning. Oh, this is also your SPOILER WARNING, so stop here if you haven’t seen the film and plan to do so. (It's a lot of fun!)

Shapiro complains that “the first half of the movie is a complete misdirect and a waste of time.” He’s apparently not seen Psycho or The Others or Rebecca or Charade or Vertigo or Shutter Island or hell, even Planet of the Apes. And a mystery without any misdirection is inherently unsatisfying, like a bad magic trick.

The cinematic genius continues, "We only find out about the actual murder we’re supposed to investigate full one hour and ten minutes into the film, as well as an entirely new backstory (Miles never invited Blanc, and Andi has a twin sister masquerading as her). We’re actively deceived by the writer.”

Shapiro’s seeming obliviousness to how effective mysteries work is so hilarious you’d think he was joking. However, humorless conservatives like Shapiro are the worst audiences for mysteries or clever thrillers because their egos can’t cope with being “fooled,” even for entertainment purposes.

“The story itself is the purest form of incredible laziness,” he whines. “It relies on not one, not two, but three bad writing tropes: an identical twin, a comprehensive journal, and a moron of a murderer. You can write your way out of literally any scenario given an identical twin (which removes the need for linear coherence), a comprehensive journal (which explains everything) and a moron for a murder (which removes the necessity for plot logic).”

The identical twin is not objectively a “bad writing trope,” as certain recent classicsdemonstrate. It’s all about execution, but Shapiro can’t be bothered to criticize how the tropes are used. He just summarily declares them the “purest form of incredible laziness,” which is an accurate way of describing his review.

Of course, Shapiro is most offended that Johnson apparently takes pot shots at the Right’s new favorite culture warrior. He rants, "Rian Johnson’s politics is as lazy as his writing. His take on the universe is that Elon Musk is a bad and stupid man, and that anyone who likes him – in media, politics, or tech – is being paid off by him.”

This is not a documentary! Shapiro accuses Johnson of creating a strawman Elon Musk, which is not Johnson nor Norton’s stated intent. Tom Cruise’s Les Grossman in Tropic Thunder was a parody of producer Stuart Cornfeldand never intended as an accurate portrait. Shapiro has clowned himself almost as bad as that whole WAP incident.

Anyway, Glass Onion is a fun film. Go watch it on Netflix and know that you’re easily smarter than Ben Shapiro.

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter if it still exists.

Subscribe to the Wonkette YouTube Channel for nifty video content!

Look at our pretty photos on Instagram!

Yr Wonkette is 100 percent ad-free! Please subscribe, donate, and otherwise help keep us alive and kicking!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc