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Ben Shapiro Pretty Sure Black Lady James Bond Not The James Bond Ben Shapiro Likes To Fap To

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Y'all hear there's gonna reportedly be a new 007 in town, and HER name is Lashana Lynch? That's right, not only is the new 007 going to be a lady, it is going to be a black lady. (She won't necessarily be specifically playing a character named "James Bond," according to the news. But she will definitely be 007.)

Ben Shapiro has feelings about that. Like, yeah, of course he does.

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

Oh fiddlesticks, that is not the full clip we wanted you to see. It's just a looped video of Shapiro saying one little part of his whole speech over and over again: "When it comes to the seduction of women!" If you don't feel like watching the full video below, you can rest assured that the loop above is sufficient, especially the way young Shapiro's voice cracks and his balls drop (allegedly) when he says the word "comes."

So anyway, SEXXX TIPS WITH BEN SHAPIRO! Because he knows of sex! Especially as it pertains to the beloved James Bond series! SPOILER, but it seems a lady 007 has rendered our Ben unable to think with his Little Ben, which is how he prefers to view the James Bond movie films.


Specifically, Shapiro is unhappy with the entire concept of a lady 007 because that doesn't work with any "wish fulfillment fantasy" he has ever had about James Bond. That's right, "wish fulfillment fantasy." You see, when Shapiro watches James Bond, he (we guess) imagines he is James Bond, and first of all LOL Ben Shapiro cannot imagine himself as a black lady, like what are you even suggesting right now? Ben Shapiro is not transgender people! (He is VERY FRIGHTENED of them though.)

Know what Ben Shapiro can imagine? Daniel Craig's very hard man dick body. He's not imagining it sexually, of course (allegedly), but rather it is that when Craig beats up somebody and makes them pay, and Shapiro is watching him on screen and imagining that he is James Bond, it makes logical sense that he (Ben Shapiro in imagination land as Daniel Craig) could beat up the bad guys, because he has this very hard man dick body.

One of the things about the Bond series is that Daniel Craig is ripped beyond belief and he can beat the crap out of anyone, so at least that part of the movie is plausible. If you're talking about somebody who is a bowling ball of a human going into other people and breaking them up, that makes a lot more sense, there's less suspension of disbelief along those lines, if it turns out that the hero is actually physically large. And that is one aspect of James Bond.

Girls cannot beat up bad guys like Daniel Craig beat up bad guys. It's just #science.

The other thing that is bothering Ben Shapiro is that when he watches Daniel Craig, Daniel Craig always gets the hot girl in the end, but he still has to CONQUEST for it. Ben Shapiro identifies with this (presumably) because no woman has ever come to the table wanting to have intercourse with Ben Shapiro. So when Ben Shapiro is having "wish fulfillment fantasy" time alone (no really, he uses those words) with his Daniel Craig James Bond movie, he's able to more easily imagine what that would be like, because even James Bond has to apply himself if he wants to have some sex. James Bond, he is just like Ben Shapiro! Except not really!

It's different if 007 or Bond is a girl, Shapiro explains. First of all, he's not even getting INTO the idea that James Bond The Girl Lady 007 might be a lesbian, because PSHAW YOU SHUT UP. Instead, he assumes that James Bond The Woman Haver Of Breasts, like James Bond The Penis Wish Fulfiller, will get to have sex with only the hottest heterosexual sex partner imaginable, which in this case would mean it is a dude. Ben Shapiro, again citing his own personal ... shortcomings? ... cannot imagine a scenario where a woman would have to CONQUEST to get a hot guy in bed. This, Shapiro, explains is the difference between the sexes.

When it comes to the seduction of women ...

Told you Ben Shapiro said those words, he who bragged about his virginity until marriage, and who still may or may not be a virgin, despite how he has supposedly participated in human breeding, we do not know. He is A Expert.

There is a very very large difference between a woman and a man.

How large, Ben?

Bond is about the guns and the girls. I'm not even going to get into the lesbian aspect of this because I don't know if this character is going to be a lesbian -- let's assume she's not, for a second. Let's assume that she's just black, female James Bond, which means she's bedding the handsome men.

Just black, not lesbian, GOT IT, we are all on the same page. Takes her martinis shaken, not stirred, fucks guys a lot, isn't into gay stuff.

That is not in any way a wish fulfillment fantasy for the men who typically watch the Bond films because a disproportionate share of the Bond audience is male. So unless you're completely shifting the character, it makes no sense.

OK, we feel like somebody needs to sit down and tell young Ben about the difference between "porn" and "fun spy movie." Maybe his rabbi is willing.

It also, on a narrative level, makes no sense at all because the challenge for James Bond, to be completely sexist about this, okay --

BEN SHAPIRO SEXIST? NO HE NEVER!

the challenge for James Bond is conquest, right? That's obviously been part of the trope of this series, is this conquest-driven mentality by James Bond. Now they're trying to make it so that he has to be in a relationship in every movie because they're trying to make it so that he's not an abuser of women, understood, okay? But that was always the appeal of Bond -- that in every movie he was going to somehow seduce the most beautiful women in the movie into bed with him. And this is what made him an idol to millions of men who, of course, would like to seduce beautiful women but are incapable of doing so because there's a natural challenge to it.

Black lady James Bond will ruin the movie-going experience for ... incels?

Now, let's say that there's a beautiful woman playing James Bond, like Lashana Lynch. And now she wants to seduce the most handsome men. Is that in any way difficult? Because men and women are different.

Gotcha. Because ladies just get to fuck everybody, and if a hot lady James Bond is fucking a hot "conquest," there is literally nothing in this situation Ben Shapiro can identify with enough to fap to, for he is neither lady nor hot conquest man, and he's probably being quite honest here, so we'll just back away slowly and say "bless his heart."

[transcript via Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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