We're not sure why this Ground Zero love den of Bernie Kerik's is such a problem. Come on, like you never used 9/11 to get laid? ("But if the terrorists come back, this could be our last night...") It's not like the bedroom faced the smoking pile of rubble... oh, wait, it did. But still. With this guy in charge of the Department of Homeland Security, there's no way they would have wasted all that time designing a dopey color-coded threat warning system -- he had bigger problems! Like the prison guard he was sleeping with finding the love note left by the publisher he was sleeping with -- there's reason for a severe alert!

Just imagine the kind of crazy priorities that a true pimp like Kerik could have set for the department. Forget about all that duct tape, unless you're planning to use it in bed. Hey Coast Guard -- let's see some skimpier uniforms for the ladies while you're intercepting possible shipments of nuclear weapons! (We're thinking bright orange, like on Baywatch.) And if women think those TSA searches at the airport are invasive now... -- "Joe Klein"

Apartment Said To Be Scene Of Kerik Affair [NY Times]