GROAN, so have you been on the internet lately, GROAN?

If you have, GROAN, you may have noticed that the Democratic primary is behaving like an obnoxious two-year-old at the moment, and that is fine, all primary campaigns go through the Terrible Twos, which makes sense right now, since we have officially started the second year of this never-ending primary. What are they fighting about? The things. Who's right? Oh, just everyone, and also no one.

(GROAN.)

Meanwhile House GOP leader Kevin McCarthy is out there doing conspiracy theories about the Democratics rigging the primary against Liz and Bernie and for Joe by doing the impeachment trial right here before Iowa, as if airplanes do not exist, and ignoring the whole fact that if the Democratics are really doing that, then by definition they are also rigging it against Amy and for Pete. He says Joe should suspend his campaign during the impeachment trial, for #fairness.

Eat shit, dork.

Also meanwhile, there was a guest host on the Rush Limbaugh radio waves program, and it was Fox News idiot Mark Steyn, and he said there is a new #scandal brewing after Cory Booker's exit from the race race, as all the major players in tonight's debate (yes there is a debate, that is the point of this post) are white people, except HAW HAW, said Mark Steyn, followed by a "Pocahontas" joke about Elizabeth Warren, and also HAW HAW, said Mark Steyn, is Elizabeth Warren faking being a lady too? Is Pete Buttigieg faking being Teh Gay?

WELL ARE THEY?

STEYN: I mean, he looks like some guy from the accountancy department. He doesn't — that's a very non-gay look.

OK. Sounds like a real well-rounded guy there, who knows what Teh Gay looks like! Also, "accountancy department."

So anyway, about that debate. Why why why why why why why? Do we have to?

Oh yes, we have to, because "democracy."

Here are your questions about tonight's debate (in bold) and Wonkette's answers (in not bold):


WILL WONKETTE BE LIE-BLOGGING? No, we will be live-blogging!

WHERE IS IT? Inside the "Iowa."

WHAT TIME IS IT? Nine o' clock Eastern, eight o' clock Central, other times in other time zones, we guess.

WHAT CHANNEL IS IT? On the "CNN." You may also watch on "internet," at the CNN website or the Des Moines Register website.

HOW LONG IS IT? CNN says "two hours," so plan for an all-nighter.

WHAT IDIOTS ARE IN IT? Oh just all of them. The Bernie idiot and the Joe idiot and the Liz idiot and the Pete idiot and the Amy idiot.

STOP CALLING MY CHOSEN SAVIOR CANDIDATE "A IDIOT," WONKET! OK.

HI, I'M TOM STEYER, AND I AM IN THIS DEBATE ALSO TOO! Yeah, Tom, we guess you bought your way into this one.

ALL THEM FUCKERS GONNA FIGHT? Yeah probably maybe. Or maybe they'll cut the shit and get their eyes back on the ball, which is beating Donald Trump in November. Watch for at least three of the candidates to go for a viral moment like that.

HOW MANY DEBATES IS IT IN FEBRUARY? Hahahahaha, get this, the internet says there are three in one month.

OH FUCK THAT. Agreed. Especially the one that's on a Friday night. Last Wonkette to say "NOT IT" gets to cover that one, 1, 2, 3, NOT IT!

ANYTHING ELSE? No.

YOU HANG UP. No you hang up.

NO YOU HANG UP. No you hang up.

NO YOU HANG UP. No you hang up.

OK hang up same time, this is the stupidest debate preview we ever wrote and that's sayin' somethin', OPEN THREAD UNTIL LIVEBLOG.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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