Bernie Surprise Winned Michigan! Time For Another Democratic Debate Death Match
This is what it'll be like.
[contextly_sidebar id="jf5QYkIrGG5ijYHtWySuaNu7MruRPAwT"]When was the last time we had a Democratic debate between Hillary Rodham Sanders and Berndog Clinton or whatever their REAL names are? Were you a little girl at the time? Well you're still a little girl obviously, because it was this past Sunday, dumbass. But a great big thing happened since then, and it is that Bernie BEAT (by squeaky margins) Hillary in the Michigan Primary! Nobody was expecting this! The pollsters were all dumb-brains, forecasting an easy Michigan win for Hillary, and the whole punditariat on the television set was like "What does this mean???" (It means Bernie beated Hillary in Michigan, you dingusbreaths.)
Anyway, so those two crazy kids might as well make some more argue faces at each other tonight in ANOTHER DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, right? RIGHT?!
Here are the questions you don't even know you have about tonight's debate, and we have a few answers we made up just now:
Does the Michigan result CHANGE EVERYTHING? Why or why not? Show your work.
Gonna have to tell you to suck a big one with that "show your work" comment, but the truth is that it really doesn't. Bernie won 7 more delegates than Hillary did in Michigan (out of a total 123), while she finished the night with more delegates overall (87 to his 69), because of her big win in Mississippi. By our back of the napkin math, she's still significantly ahead in pledged delegates.
But it COULD change everything!
OK, you just keep #FeelingTheBern.
PFFFFT IT CHANGES NOTHING, HILLARY IS THE ONCE AND FUTURE QUEEN OF INFINITY.
OK, you just keep #HillzingTheFeels.
Oh come on, Wonkette, pick a side!
We HAVE picked a side, and it is called #America, and also the side of we ain't wanna be hearin' none of y'all's shit right at the moment.
WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IS THERE ANOTHER DEBATE?
Goddang you guys, we just don't know. Maybe because #Democracy and #Freedom and because none of the Democrats in America have ever even met these candidates, what with how neither one has ever been in public service for the last seven millennia.
They got pretty bicker-y in the last debate! Are they going to do that again?
They sure did! Bernie was all "EXCUSE ME I'M TALKING" and Hillary was like "Talk to the hand because the wrist is pissed!" (not direct quote) and Bernie was all "Knock, knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow wh--MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" (MAYBE a direct quote, wait probably not) and Hillary was like "BYE FELICIA." And then the debate was over.
We bet Tuesday's primary results will help make mommy and daddy EXTRA scrappy tonight.
What are they going to say shouty words about this time?
According to the Washington Post, it will probably be a lot about immigration, because it's in Miami and also Univision is a sponsor. Maybe they will even shouty shouty in Spanishes, because #pandering. Bernie will be all "Con permiso!" and Hillz will say, "Vete a la mierda!" and Bernie will reply, "Interrumpiendo la vaca MUUUUUUUUUU!!!!" and Hillz will say "Adios, Felicia!" And the debate will be over.
Can we see a picture of Hillary and Bernie making GRRRRRRR! faces, just to get us in the mood?
Certainly! Here is a GRRR ARGH pic of the candidates when they were actually agreeing with each other, about how Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder is a dick who should go to jail in hell.
Isn't it nice when they're mad TOGETHER?
Will this never-ending primary ever end, ever?
Not at this rate. Fucking hell.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau holding pandas. Post the pic NOW, motherfuckers.
You people are so rude. But here, fine, since Justin Trudeau's face has become tradition these debate previews, as it distracts us from our failing American state, and since OMG HE BROKED THE INTERNET WITH HOW CUTE THIS PICTURE IS, you may commence to AWWWWWWWW-ing and fapping and whatever else. DON'T FAP TO THE PANDA CUBS, YOU PERVERTS.
OK fine, your adorable pandas and Canadians have convinced us to watch the American Yelling Television Program, tell us the details and assure us you will be liveblogging.
We assure you that you need to stop asking questions before we sic one of those AWWWW PANDAS on your face. But yes, liveblogging, sure, why not. As for the How To Watch, according to this here linky winky, it starts at 9 PM ET, and you can watch it on the television on either CNN or on the Washington Post's website.
Now we must request that you leave us at once, unless you have a good dick joke to say or more hot pics of Trudeau that we haven't seen yet, in which case you can stay.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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