Best GOP Platform Ever Says 'Current President' Really Sucks
When Republicans read the platform their party is using for the 2020 campaign, they may be surprised to see that it is full of condemnations of the sitting president.
"The survival of the internet as we know it is at risk," the platform reads. "Its gravest peril originates in the White House, the current occupant of which has launched a campaign, both at home and internationally, to subjugate it to agents of government."
The warning about speech online is one of more than three dozen unflattering references to either the "current president," "current chief executive," "current administration," people "currently in control" of policy, or the "current occupant" of the White House that appear in the Republican platform. [...]
The platform censures the "current" president [...] and his administration for, among other things, imposing "a social and cultural revolution," causing a "huge increase in the national debt" and damaging relationships with international partners.
"The Middle East is more dangerous now than at any time since the Second World War," the platform reads.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, wait do we need to write a blog post about this, or can we just say we are finished because "Friday"?
Because all of that is true. The current president is fucking awful, the internet is bad because of the current president, foreign policy is being sold to the highest bidder, Trump has given the Middle East over to his warlord friends who run Russia and Turkey, and we're on the outs with literally all our allies. Good platform, Republicans!
Oh well, we guess we will explain. The Republicans DID A PICKLE, you guys!
Because of Trump's very stupid insistence that his nominating convention must be in a room very full of heavily breathing Republicans with no masks, and because North Carolina was like "Have you heard about the pandemic?" everything with the planning for the GOP convention has gone to shit. So according to the RNC's rules, now that Trump is going to do his acceptance speech and pageant walk from Jacksonville, Florida, and to keep 5,000 delegates from having to fly to Charlotte to do the rest of their convention business, the official convention will adjourn without them actually voting on a new platform.
Instead, the RNC's executive committee has just voted to keep the 2016 platform, the one that talks about how the "current president" (they meant Obama) SUX:
Republican officials decided it did not make sense to ask about 5,000 delegates and alternates to pay to fly to Charlotte, N.C., when the speeches and most of the action of the convention, including the hallmark speeches by the president and the vice president, would be happening in another city altogether.
It's fine, though, because the New York Times talked to an RNC idiot from West Virginia named Melody Potter and she really likes the 2016 platform, about how the president SUX. "As a matter of fact, and you can quote me on this, I think it is a ray of sunshine in this whole messy storm," said Melody Potter! We agree, but not about the parts Melody Potter likes, we don't think!
Regular readers of Wonkette Gardening Digest Quarterly will remember that the shitshow's been going for a bit with the RNC platform. Jared Kushner, the one who has the brilliant ideas, had a brilliant idea that the platform should be changed so it's small enough to drown in the bathtub we mean fit on a note card, just like the Constitution. He wanted them to put in new weasel words about vouchers, because Jared says black people don't like the word "freedom." He wanted to take away all the gross anti-gay stuff in the 2016 GOP platform, where among other things it literally supported "pray away the gay" conversion therapy, because come on, the Trump administration believes in an inclusive kind of fascism, one that applies to everyone.
Now that they're just keeping the 2016 platform, people are MAD. Politico reports that so-called GOP "moderates" are MAD because they want to do Jared's Drowning-On-A-Note-Card-In-The-Bathtub idea and get rid of the anti-gay shit. Meanwhile super anti-gay abortion-haters are MAD because they want to make the super anti-gay abortion-hatin' stuff in the 2016 platform more anti-gay abortion-hatin' for 2020.
"America has changed incredibly since 2016 and not updating our platform to reflect that is an unforced error. The RNC should reconsider this terrible decision," said Terry Schilling, executive director of the American Principles Project and a proponent of updating the platform to oppose efforts to defund law enforcement or permit transgender minors to undergo gender reassignment treatments.
"We can't go into 2020 with the same platform we had in 2016, and by limiting the ability to make changes you run the risk of having a stale platform. It will be tone deaf," Schilling added.
That's right, that guy doesn't want a "tone deaf" GOP platform that fails to protect killer cops or screw over transgender kids. Won't somebody think of THE TONE?
Anyway, nobody is happy. Apparently the wingnut groups, like the
League For The Preservation Of Phyllis Schlafly's Gross Dead Bones Eagle Forum and the Family Research Council hate group, really jumped the GOP's bones over Jared's idea, but now they can't even put in new language to ban partial-birth transgender caravans from 'GIIIIIINA. Bummer!
And whose fault is this, according to the RNC?
The Mexicans! The Blacks! Chrissy Teigen! The Democratic governor of North Carolina, Roy Cooper, obviously, who forced the GOP to bone itself on its platform, when he tried to make 'em all wear masks:
RNC National press secretary Mandi Merritt blamed the situation on North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper, a Democrat, who has rejected the party's plans for a full-fledged convention in his state.
"His refusal to work with the RNC on holding a full event in his state left our members with no choice. It would not be right for a very small group to craft a new platform without all of the delegates present," Merritt said in a statement.
Trump says all this is fake news, because of how he definitely knows what's going on:
The Republican Party has not yet voted on a Platform. No rush. I prefer a new and updated Platform, short form, if possible.— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1591967086.0
Yes, we know you like things "short form," Mister President. With pictures and scratch 'n' sniffs, if possible!
We'll see what happens. If the RNC tried to follow the HEREBY ORDER in Trump's tweet right there, they'd have to make a whole bunch more changes in a situation that's already a shitshow, and time's a-runnin' out. The whole point in keeping the platform was so the platform committee wouldn't have to meet, now that Trump has had a temper tantrum and moved his acceptance speech to
Tulsa-By-The-Ocean Jacksonville. Will they roll over again because he's having another tantrum?
By the way, Trump's speech in Jacksonville will be happening August 27, and you will be shocked to learn that date is the 60th anniversary of Ax Handle Saturday in Jacksonville, a famous racial violence event wherein "a mob of about 200 whites" — Klan members and cops — "attacked black demonstrators who had been trying to desegregate lunch counters [...] with ax handles and baseball bats."
Because that's on brand, just like Trump doing his racial reconciliation speech on Juneteenth in Tulsa, the site of the 1921 Tulsa race massacre, is on brand, for President Grand Wizard.
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