Beto O'Rourke Was Born To Be In This Headline
Buy the new Vanity Fair!! It's on newsstands already! Probably!

Did you see the new Vanity Faircover story about Robert Francis O'Rourke AKA Beto AKA Bingo AKA Sir Roberto Duvallier Francisco Domingo O'Rourke, XIV, Esq.? Clearly the new issue was timed with the roll-out of Beto's presidential campaign (COLLUSION!), and everybody's talking about it, so we'll talk about it, too!

First of all, we should note that That Thing is happening again, that happens to many candidates (especially women candidates!), where #TheMedia does a clickbait headline that isn't quite accurate, and before you know it, Twitter is off to the races saying OH YEAH, BETO? YOU WERE BORN TO DO THIS? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? GUESS I BETTER NOT READ THE ARTICLE TO SEE IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, BECAUSE UHHHHHHHHH I SEEN THE PICTURE!


Let's see what he actually said.

"This is the fight of our lives," he continues, "not the fight-of-my-political-life kind of crap.

But, like, this is the fight of our lives as Americans, and as humans, I'd argue."

The more he talks, the more he likes the sound of what he's saying. "I want to be in it," he says, now leaning forward. "Man, I'm just born to be in it, and want to do everything I humanly can for this country at this moment."

Oh. That's different.

Indeed, it's very similar to what Kamala Harris said about why she decided to go ahead and run in 2020, instead of waiting longer. 2016 happened, said Harris, and it changed the whole calculation. This is the fight of our lives, said Beto, and he was born to be in that fight and he wants to do everything he can. Kamala says we're at an inflection point and we'll be asked in the future what we did during this moment in America's history. Amy Sanders O'Rourke finishes Beto's sentence in the Vanity Fair article, about not wanting to look back and think you didn't do everything you could. Kamala thinks she would be a really good president. So does Beto.

You can probably tell that I want to run. I do. I think I'd be good at it.

Know who else thought they'd be good at presidenting?

Our point is, what a lovely situation to be in, to have so many incredibly talented Democrats who are smart and passionate and ready to serve! (And also Tulsi Gabbard and John Hickenlooper!)


Just kidding, let's let them have a good primary, and let's all support as many of them as we can, and then may the winner kick Donald Trump's ass into outer space, with votes!

Let's look at the Vanity Fair article and make fun of Vanity Fair's clickbait headline the entire time.

Beto O'Rourke was born to make his children cry!

Henry, age eight, weighs in from the back of the Toyota Tundra.

"Dad, if you run for president, I'm going to cry all day," he says.

"Just the one day?" asks O'Rourke, hopefully.

"Every day," says Henry.

His daughter Molly pointed out that the White House will be "all wet," and his son Ulysses noted that he only wants Dad to run for president if Dad is going to win, because who wants a dad who's a loser? Nobody.

Beto O'Rourke was born to say FUUUUUUUUUUUCK right at your face!

Remember at the end of his senatorial campaign in Texas when Beto got up there to talk to his supporters, and the emotion just overtook him so much he blurted out that he was "so FUCKING proud of you guys," and it was just so refreshing to see a politician who says the word "fuck" with the enthusiasm all patriotic Americans say it?

Beto O'Rourke After Losing: ''I'm So F***ing Proud Of You Guys''

Well he's got more!

He accidentally cusses in front of his kids, like a normal person:

"Motherfuckers!" he says after darting into a busy intersection while ferrying the brood home from school that day. Then he catches himself: "Sorry, kids."

He cusses when he's talking about how his wife Amy realized, after his appearance with Oprah, that he was totally going to run for president:

On the flight home from New York, O'Rourke learned that Trump was coming to El Paso. Amy was reading Becoming,by Michelle Obama, absorbing the former First Lady's account of her trials living through a toxic presidential race with her husband. By the time the O'Rourkes touched down at El Paso International Airport, Amy's stomach was in knots. "She was kind of pissed at me when we got home," recalls O'Rourke. "Almost like 'You fucker.' "

She knew he was running.

And that is why the best Beto bumper stickers will be the ones that say "YOU FUCKER 2020."

Beto O'Rourke was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell; the third day He arose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.

OK, just fooling! But the article is pretty in love with its anecdotes about what happens to Beto when he gets up in front of the people, and OMG HE'S JUST CRAZY DOES HE THINK HE IS THE CHRIST CHILD?

"There is something abnormal, super-normal, or I don't know what the hell to call it, that we both experience when we're out on the campaign trail."

O'Rourke and his wife, Amy, an educator nine years his junior, both describe the moment they first witnessed the power of O'Rourke's gift.

LOL Vanity Fair, are you talking about his oratorical skills or his dick?

For O'Rourke, what followed was a near-mystical experience. "I don't ever prepare a speech," he says. "I don't write out what I'm going to say. I remember driving to that, I was, like, 'What do I say? Maybe I'll just introduce myself. I'll take questions.' I got in there, and I don't know if it's a speech or not, but it felt amazing. Because every word was pulled out of me. Like, by some greater force, which was just the people there. Everything that I said, I was, like, watching myself, being like, How am I saying this stuff? Where is this coming from?"

You know what? He's full of himself, to be sure. (As if every person who has the mental illness that causes them to want to run for president isn't.) But at the same time, ask any performer who's really, really, really good, what it's like up there on stage. They will tell you about the "where is this coming from" thing.

Beto O'Rourke was born to have a dad who sounds like a real asshole.

Beto! He's just like you! He had a questionable relationship with his father!

No seriously, though, Pat O'Rourke sounds like a real shit, at least if you were his son.

Beto O'Rourke was born to be a little mysterious, but that's what makes him alluring and also what will make him break your heart.

Been reading stories about Beto being a lost soul when he was young in New York and working as a hot nanny? (Not a porn thing. He was hot, and he was a nanny.) Been curious about his listening tour road trip that seemed to some like an emo voyage to the desert? You're not all wrong:

Former girlfriends describe O'Rourke as curious, wry, bookish but adventurous. He usually carried a novel in his pocket, whether Captain Corelli's Mandolin or The Sun Also Rises. Maggie Asfahani, an El Paso native who dated O'Rourke while he was at prep school and college, said he was somewhat difficult to know. "That's kind of the mystique of Beto, is that he seems to be accessible," she says, "but there's just this layer of protection. I don't think it's because he's hiding anything. I think it's because he's keeping a part of it to himself."

On the other hand, he thinks that New York Times story about his time in New York in his early 20s was kind of bullshit. He wasn't "aimless and depressed," but says it was a time of "joyous indirection," and that he loved that part of his life.


Beto O'Rourke was born to have really rad taste in music.

On top of ALL THE PUNK ROCK, SO MUCH PUNK ROCK, the article mentions him being into Nina Simone, Big Star and Guided By Voices. And he listens to it on a RECORD PLAYER. We support all of this.

Big Star - September

Beto O'Rourke was born to have some policy positions!

In the Vanity Fair piece, in a paragraph WAY down at the end, there is discussion of what Beto is actually supporting. He's into the idea of the Green New Deal, he wants healthcare for all people to be a reality (and seems to acknowledge there are a few ways to get there), he believes in capitalism, but he also thinks the rich need to be paying a way higher marginal tax rate (socialist!), and oh yeah, he's really good on immigration and wanting to end the stupid War on Drugs once and for all.

Beto O'Rourke was born to use this sheep onesie to summon dark lord Satan, may we only and always do his bidding, in Lucifer's name, AMEN.

OK, this wasn't in the article but hey remember that thing about how Beto was in a band called The Sheeps and they wore onesies and sheep masks, and some InfoWars idiot is pretty sure it is FOR DEVIL? We only bring it up to show you that onesie pic again, because we like you.

Beto O'Rourke was born to be finished with this blog post now.

In summary and in conclusion, there is a really good Annie Leibovitz picture of Beto's dog (who is a good dog) in the Vanity Fair article, and also some other words, and Beto O'Rourke was born to say you should go read them right now, like OMG WHERE DOES HE EVEN GET OFF SAYING THAT?

The end.

[Vanity Fair]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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