Biden's Words Vs. Trump's Urine: Your First Presidential Debate Liveblog!

Oh golly, what the fuck is there to say, besides how surprised we are that Donald Trump didn't find a way to chicken out of this shit.

Our headline is of course a reference to Joe Biden's HI-LARIOUS clapback at one of Trump's many comments about Biden's upcoming debate win, the one where Trump challenges Biden to a drug test, probably knowing that if Biden acceded, Russia's already got some clean pee to switch out with the real Trump sample, ALLEGEDLY. (The other Trump campaign/GOP dumbass comments about Biden's upcoming debate win are that Biden is TOO GOOD at debates, and also that he has dementia, and also that he has been fed the questions, and also some bullshit about Biden agreeing to have them check for earpieces, then pulling back from that request at the last minute, which totally did not happen. It is a real consistent message at the Trump campaign.)

Anyway, whoever on the Biden campaign wrote that "urine" line, just know that Daddy is proud of you, and by "Daddy" we mean Wonkette.

We have nothing else to say to you besides let the shitshow begin.

Oh, except that we have these sexxxy new bumper stickers for you to buy, for all your bumpers.

Want to know about the luxury features of that sticker? Well, for one thing, they stick on bumpers all by themselves and you don't even have to use glue or something else that is sticky. There are no other luxury features.

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And with all that said, here is your damn debate video, below which will be your damn liveblog.

Live: First Presidential Debate Of 2020 Election | NBC News

8:53: False alarm, everyone, the debate has already happened, and the Trump campaign is claiming Trump won.

Also here is a good primer on all the Biden conspiracy theories that circulated today in advance of the debate. Wonder how much Russian trolls helped.

9:01: The Trump daughters/daughters-in-law/Kim Guilfoyles look like they are in good moods.

Meanwhile, on Eric's first day of being very gay now (allegedly), his hair is looking better.

9:03: Oh hooray, here we fuckin' go. Chris Wallace from Fox News is moderating. It will be 90 minutes, NO BREAKS. So maybe it'll be over before too terribly long.

9:06: Trump looks like an idiot.

First question:

Hey, Trump, you picked some idiot Amy Comet PIng-Pong or something to be on the Supreme Court. Why is that OK?

TRUMP: Reasons. Reasons I don't understand. Merrick Garland different because reasons. Words.

BIDEN: People are literally voting right now, Americans are expressing their views. This asshole over here wants to delete your Obamacare, and there are arguments on that November 10. He wants Amy Comet Ping-Pong there by then to kill your healthcare.

TRUMP: The people expressed their views when I lost the vote of the people in 2016! Also there aren't even 100 million people with pre-existing conditions, blah blah blah blah. Socialist medicine!

Also says Democrats are going to "dominate" Biden and make him do socialist medicine.

BIDEN: Dude literally killed 200,000 people with COVID. He is talking about healthcare. All of this is great.

9:13: TRUMP: You don't even know what Amy Comet Ping PIng thinks about Roe v. Wade!

WONKETTE: Yes we do.

QUESTION: You so mad at Obamacare, but you haven't even come up with a plan.

TRUMP: Yes I did. lOUD MANY words!1!1! filibuster!11!! Here is my plan! (I don't have a plan.)

WALLACE: Don't interrupt me, motherfucker.

TRUMP: Oh, I guess I am debating Chris Wallace, waaaaaaah.


Biden is just openly laughing at Trump. That is good.

9:17: Now Trump is saying weird random words about how Biden didn't beat Bernie Sanders by very much, how if "Pocahontas" had stayed in, Biden would have lost every primary.

Trump's "strategy" here appears to be just to yell words and try to piss Biden off. Biden's called Trump a liar so far, but otherwise Trump isn't getting a rise out of him.

THAT SAID, Joe, it's time to punch the shit out of him (with words, not urine).

9:19:Here is your Wonkette factcheck on Trump saying he has made insulin "cheap like water." SPOILER: He did not.

9:21: Joe Biden just told Trump to "would you shut up" and also to "keep yappin', man." FISTICUFFS!

9:22:QUESTION: Why should we trust you with the COVID response?

BIDEN: This guy has let 200,000 people die. He admitted he downplayed it. He licked China's ass until he decided it was better for him to blame China. "Get out of your bunker" and stop hiding on the golf course, Trump.


Biden is laughing again. Hopefully catching his stride. Because so far, this is unwatchable.

9:28:QUESTION: All your scientists say you're full of shit on when there will be a vaccine. Are you wrong, or are they wrong?

TRUMP: They are wrong!

BIDEN: LOL oh my god. This is the dude who said you could cure it with bleach. LOLOL.


9:30:BAD FAITH LIE QUESTION: Is Kamala Harris ALSO pissing on the scientists, by saying we might not be able to trust a Trump vaccine?

BIDEN: That is a bad faith lie question.

Trump is now doing a rehearsed cut-down thing about how Joe Biden is not "smart" and is not allowed to say he is "smart" around Donald Trump, who passed a dementia test with flying colors.

Here is Donald Trump being "sarcastic" and saying you should cure coronavirus by putting bleach in your body. "Sarcastic."

Trump Suggests Injecting Disinfectant Into The Body To Treat Coronavirus |

9:34: Trump now making fun of Biden for wearing masks too much. "LOL YOU WEAR MASKS LIKE A PERSON WHO DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO DIE!"

9:39:QUESTION: Why does Trump's "recovery" suck?

BIDEN: It's fine for millionaires and billionaires who pay $750 in taxes like this fuck over here. I have just blown this line at the wrong time. FIDDLESTICKS!

9:42:QUESTION: Dude, did you really only pay $750 in taxes?

TRUMP: I pay so many taxes!

BIDEN: Show us.

TRUMP: One day I will not show you!

BIDEN: Show us.

WALLACE: How much did you pay in 2016 and 2017?

TRUMP: millions and billions and trillions! Also I paid no taxes because I know how to fuck with the tax laws. This is Joe Biden's fault, obviously.


TRUMP: I am the best president ever!

Still unwatchable.

9:47: Trump says Obama did the SLOWEST RECOVERY since 1929. You know, the Great Depression. Anyway, point is, he is taking credit for the Obama recovery, like he always does.

Biden is like "we handed him a booming economy, and he blew it."

Trump thinks he brought back manufacturing. Biden ACTUALLY brought back the auto industry.

Here is a factcheck about how Trump's economic recovery is slower than balls.

And now Trump is yelling about Hunter Biden and Burisma and claiming Hunter either got "millions" or "billions" from there, Trump doesn't even know what his conspiracy theory about Hunter Biden and Burisma is.

9:52: Now Chris Wallace is literally yelling at Trump, but trying to act like Biden is also yelling and filibustering.

And now Trump is arguing with Wallace about who is Interrupting Cow MOOOOO more, and interrupts Wallace to say that it is Biden.

Anyway, question about race, but Wallace said hey, if you want to answer another question, rock out with your cock out, Donald.

9:55:Trump did not bring back 700,000 manufacturing jobs.

9:56: Why is Trump better than Biden on race?

TRUMP: Crime bill! You called Black people super-predators! I am mixing up and getting confused about who said "super-predators"! I am better than Abraham Lincoln! All the cops support me! I am now talking about cops instead of talking about Black people! Cops love me, Black people hate me, I am a racist, the end!

10:00:WALLACE: You ended racial sensitivity training. Racist.

TRUMP: Racial sensitivity is racist! They were teaching people to hate our country! White power!!1!1!!!!

BIDEN: Racist.

10:04: Now we are talking about "law and order" and Trump says if Biden is president, you will lose the (WHITE) suburbs. Biden says Trump "wouldn't know a suburb unless he took a wrong turn." Points out that Trump is fucking racist again.

10:05: Biden says DON'T DEFUND POLICE. Because he can't say that out loud next to this dipshit, who lies about what it means.

Now Trump is demanding Biden name one group of pig cops that supports Biden like they support Trump.

10:07: Chris Wallace literally asked Biden why he hasn't called the Portland mayor to do a Trump-style fascist takeover. Chris Wallace is extremely bad at this "moderator" thing tonight.

10:10: Will Trump condemn white supremacists doing the ACTUAL violence in America? Yes sort of sure (fingers crossed behind back) BUT ANTIFAAAAAAAAAA!

Biden notes that Trump's own FBI director Chris Wray says white supremacists are the FAR greater threat.

10:12: Trump just bragging some lies about his own record now, including saying he got all these judges because Obama/Biden "left them" for him. As opposed to how Mitch McConnell blocked them.

He also mentioned Space Force.

Biden just called Trump "Putin's puppy" and mentioned the Russian bounties that Trump doesn't care about because he hates the troops and loves Putin.

10:15: Oooooooooooh, Biden finally got mad. Yelled at Trump for hating the troops, for attacking his son BEAU BIDEN, who fought in iraq. Trump responded by saying "HUNTER BIDEN? HUNTER BIDEN?" and said he doesn't "know Beau Biden."

That was insane, but actually a good moment for Biden.

10:17: LOLOL the question was "what will you do about climate change" and Trump is talking about raking the forest Jesus what a dumbfuck. Then Trump literally just said that if the forests were "clean" they would not burn. Says in Europe they don't even understand why America doesn't rake the forest.

10:21: Hahaha, the Biden store is already selling "Will You Shut Up, Man?" t-shirts.

10:23: TRUMP: Biden wants to do the Green New Deal where they confiscate the cows!

10:24: Apparently somewhere in this shitshow Trump said the sheriff of Portland endorsed him. Factcheck from the sheriff of Portland.

Then Trump made up some shit about Biden calling the military "stupid bastards" but it didn't really land because nobody on earth thinks Biden said that.

FINAL SEGMENT FINALLY. About mail-in ballots.

BIDEN: Everybody should vote. They should count all the votes. Vote early. Vote in person. Vote by mail. (But preferably early/in person.) Says he will accept the results as long as ALL THE FUCKING VOTES ARE COUNTED. Because if everybody votes, fuck this guy, goodbye.

You want four more years of this shit?

10:30: TRUMP: No peaceful transition! No peaceful transition! You are the peaceful transition! You did the Logan Act to Michael Flynn!

Anyway, Trump also says that if you didn't ask for your ballot, then you have been frauded, because you didn't even ask for a ballot. And is making up shit about mail-in ballots. And says they are losing 30 or 40 percent (????) of mail-in ballots.

Biden is just staring at the camera like "what in the actual fuck is he talking about."

Trump concludes: RIGGED!

10:32: Joe Biden, can you instead of saying "there is no evidence" just say "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MORON EVEN TALKING ABOUT"?

10:34: Also Trump just literally said he wants Amy Comet Ping Pong on the court to "look at the ballots," by which he means throw out the ones without his name on them.

10:36: Final question: Will both candidates commit to NOT declare victory before the election is called, and encourage their voters to cool their fucking jets?

Trump is encouraging his supporters to "watch the polls," like a fucking paramilitary. And lying about those ballots in Pennsylvania, mission accompllshed, Bill Barr the low-rent Roy Cohn shitbaby!

Biden will commit to accepting the results once the votes are all counted (at which point he will be the winner, if all the votes are counted).

The debate ends with Trump yapping about something, oh my god, click the buttons below to tip your bartenders, GOODBYE.

That was an hour and a half of our lives we will never get back.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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