Oh My God, Bill Barr, Fuuuuuuuuuuuck OFFFFFFFFFF
Please everyone, Bill Barr has the talking stick and he needs to share.
BARR: I'm not going to be bullied or influenced by anybody.
#Resist, girl! Put that pink pussy hat up on top of your head and you SAY IT!
So, Bill Barr did an interview with ABC News, and we think the clever strategy here, obviously devised in cahoots with the White House, is that everybody is being so mean and calling Bill Barr Donald Trump's low-rent Walgreens perfume counter Big Lots early bird special ribbed-for-her-pleasure knockoff version of Roy Cohn, a man who has turned the Justice Department into little more than a clearinghouse for Trump's revenge fantasies, and everybody needs to KNOCK IT OFF.
It's hard, after all, to do crime cover-ups for Donald Trump with all this noise. Especially if Trump is always SAYING THE QUIET PART LOUD and Twitter-fering with the good crime cover-up work Barr is already doing. It would be a lot easier if Bill Barr could do your dirty work without scrutiny, sir.
BARR: Yes. Well, I have a problem with some of, some of the tweets. As I said at my confirmation hearing, I think the essential role of the attorney general is to keep law enforcement, the criminal process sacrosanct to make sure there is no political interference in it. And I have done that and I will continue to do that. [Fuck off. - Ed.]
And I'm happy to say that, in fact the president has never asked me to do anything in a criminal case. However, to have public statements and tweets made about the department, about our people in the department, our men and women here, about cases pending in the department, and about judges before whom we have cases, make it impossible for me to do my job and to assure the courts and the prosecutors in the department that we're doing our work with integrity. [...]
I cannot do my job here at the department with a constant background commentary that undercuts me.
Especially if Bill Barr is already doing exactly what Trump would want him to do, sticking his snout into Justice Department investigations that relate to Trump, like the ones at SDNY into his porn payoffs and his finances and all the other criminal investigations that could expose crimes committed by Trump and his family and friends, BILL BARR CANNOT DO THIS IF YOU ARE MICROMANAGING HIM IN PUBLIC, DONALD!
But if Barr says it is "impossible" for him to do "job," then maybe he should quit "job" and find one he can do! Like maybe if they make TV's "Dinosaurs" into a live-action movie, Bill Barr could find gainful employment as the stunt double for Earl and do the sex scenes. (Hahahaha, you are throwing up into your sink now, goodbye.)
This Is All Bullshit.
And how do we know this is all bullshit, and Bill Barr is not actually being uncharacteristically critical of Trump in a way that would hurt Dear Leader's feelings? Well, for one thing, here is Trump's biggest "criticism" of Barr's interview so far:
In other words, Trump just needs to clarify that, as per the terms of the the GOP Senate's "acquittal" of his crimes in the impeachment trial, Trump is allowed to do whatever he wants, because he is above the law. But he's not really clarifying that for Barr, who absolutely knows what kind of scheme they're running in the back room of the crime family's current front operation, AKA the US government.
Another reason we know this is bullshit? Because White House comms idiot Stephanie Grisham isn't even angrily running her car off the road about it. Here's a slice of the statement Grisham just happened to have ready for when journos came a-callin' about the Barr interview:
The President wasn't bothered by the comments at all and he has the right, just like any American citizen, to publicly offer his opinions.
Hahahahaha fuck off. You guys, Donald Trump, who handles criticism so well, is just fine with Barr's comments. It's fine! Trump can take it when people rebuke him in public, especially when it's all a big showy attempt to get people off Barr's back so he can do his Dollar Tree Roy Cohn-ing for Trump in private.
These people may be evil, but they're also stupid. And they think you're stupid.
This. NEVER. Fucking. Happens.
Barr explained, as part of his (clearly rehearsed) whine about Trump's tweets, that in the case of Roger Stone's sentencing, he had totally already decided that the sentencing guidelines for Stone were just too much, and was totally already planning to undermine career prosecutors and file a new recommendation the day after they filed their recommendation. Totally.
And then Trump had to stick his Mario Kart boner in everything, and oh bother!
BARR: Because people might think that if you proceed with the investigation, it was prompted by the tweet. It's the same kind of thing that happened here. So, and there are other examples where if you have a case before a judge to be attacking the judge, you know, it is not helpful or productive at all.
Barr added later that this is just "one of those situations" and that he was "confused" by how everybody could have miscommunicated so badly, but it is what it is, we guess.
Of course, as Rachel Maddow reported last night on her TV program, her staff talked to two former prosecutors from the DC US Attorney's Office, the very office where this went down, who confirmed that this never happens. Barr wants you to think this was a totally normal thing, where Main Justice just starts feeling super-bad for a crimer and decides their recommended sentence is too harsh, and therefore decides to cut the line prosecutors' dicks off at the root. He also wants you to think it's totally normal for Main Justice to overrule the line prosecutors because they are "the most junior level of the business, so to speak." (In case any more career prosecutors are thinking about loudly resigning, because that's what your boss thinks of you.)
This never happens.
Of course, as Maddow also pointed out, this especially never happens in the Trump Justice Department, which under Jeff Sessions's leadership specifically instituted new guidelines for sentencing in favor of being as harsh as possible, except of course for people who call Donald Trump pretty and lick his rear.
We BELIEVE YOU, Bill!
No, really! We believe Bill Barr, or at least we believe part of what he said. We think it's entirely plausible that, as he claims, he hasn't actually been back-channeling with Trump on this, that he is fully capable of implementing Trump's crime plans without actually having to have a verbal conversation. We believe him when he says, as he did toward the end of this interview, that he doesn't like the idea of Trump ordering him to investigate his opponents, that is just "inappropriate." (And by "inappropriate" he means "bad optics." What did we say about micromanaging?)
We believe that when Barr found out about the prosecutors' sentencing recommendation, which was squarely within the guidelines, that he was able to decide all by his lonesome that in Trump's autocratic America, the autocrat's friends should get free ponies and blowjobs, and that we'll leave the harsh sentences for black people. And we believe that it's actually true that Trump's tweeting makes it hard for Barr to stay in the shadows while he does Trump's dirty work of destroying our institutions.
We believe him.
By the way, nobody told Lou Dobbs the plan, which is why Lou Dobbs went on TV and had an absolutely senile conniption and called Bill Barr a Deep State:
Gotta remember to tell Lou Dobbs the plan, you guys!
Unless this was part of the plan, for Fox News idiots to feign outrage at the Barr interview, in order to REALLY trick the libs into thinking Barr is a good and honest man who isn't doing cover-ups for the White House.
In which case these guys are just playing such a game of three-dimensional Hungry Hungry Hippos, we don't think we'll ever be able to keep up with them.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.