Coming IG Report Doesn't Indict FBI For Treason And Bill Barr Is Having A Sh********tfittttt

Trump idiots have been so excited about the forthcoming report from Justice Department Inspector General Michael Horowitz on the origins of the Trump-Russia FBI investigation. Outside of their stupidity, there's no reason they should be excited, but this is what happens when you eat the stuff you cook up in your own bathtub. You know, figuratively.

They have been sincerely convinced that when Horowitz finishes his look into the beginnings of the Trump-Russia FBI investigation -- just like Attorney General Bill Barr has been doing! -- that he will see the light just like they do, and determine that it was WITCH HUNT and PETER STRZOK and BRUCE OHR and THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO GET NAKED PICK-SHURES OF DONALD TRUMP! They have been certain that he will find -- just like Barr believes! -- that "spying occurred" against the Trump campaign, and that it wasn't just some kind of regular spying like you see in the old movies, no, Horowitz will determine that OBAMA PEOPLE put WIRE TAPPS inside DONALD TRUMP'S SUMPTUOUS BOTTOM.

How could Horowitz find anything else? Those are just the things that happened, are we not correct?

The Washington Postreported Monday night that Bill Barr is so mad because Horowitz's report is going to say ... not that. Everybody laugh at Bill Barr, he is so mad right now, all God's children point and laugh!

Attorney General William P. Barr has told associates he disagrees with the Justice Department's inspector general on one of the key findings in an upcoming report — that the FBI had enough information in July 2016 to justify launching an investigation into members of the Trump campaign, according to people familiar with the matter. [...]

The attorney general has privately contended that Horowitz does not have enough information to reach the conclusion the FBI had enough details in hand at the time to justify opening such a probe. He argues that other U.S. agencies, such as the CIA, may hold significant information that could alter Horo­witz's conclusion on that point, according to the people familiar with the matter who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss internal deliberations.

Are you pointing and laughing at Bill Barr yet? DO IT. MAKE HIS DAY WORSE.

Maybe Barr will just have to do what he did with the Mueller Report. Remember that? When Robert Mueller found massive and weird and bad collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians (and might have found stuff that fits the legal definition of conspiracy if Paul Manafort and others hadn't lied and concealed/deleted their communications, as he explained in his report), and also laid out many examples of obstruction of justice crimes committed by Trump, Bill Barr DID NOT LIKE THAT. He wasn't hired to run the Justice Department like a grownup, he was hired to say "No Collusion!" So Barr got out in front of it, by releasing his own lie-statements about what the Mueller Report said, so that when the actual report came out, idiots were confused about what it really said, and idiots who are the president screamed about being totally exonerated.

The actual origins of the Russia investigation -- no, we mean the actual origins, not the ones from Trump's late night fevershit hallucinations -- have been well-known for a while now. Trump campaign moron George Papadopoulos was drunk-blabbing to an Australian diplomat information he got from a probable Russian asset, Maltese professor Joseph Mifsud, that Russia was gonna fuck Hillary Clinton right in the emails. In response, Australia decided to alert American law enforcement. Conservatives have many conspiracy theories about this, just like they have many conspiracy theories about everything else. They think Papadopoulos was FRAAAAAAAAAMED and the Trump campaign was FRAAAAAAAAAMED and also that Joseph Mifsud wasn't a Russian asset at all, but a DEEP STATE asset, and so on and so forth. It's kind of a pattern with them, not taking responsibility for their crime waves.

(This, by the way, is what Barr and US Attorney John Durham have been investigating with their weird-ass trips to Italy and other points on the globe. In response, Italy has been like "LOL fuck off. Ciao!")

And of course, conservatives also have a masturbatory fantasy that text messages between Peter Strzok and Lisa Page (who has an interview out this week with Molly Jong-Fast, you should read it) exposed a for real literal actual secret society Deep State cabal in the FBI intent on taking down Trump, when the truth is closer to (AHEM!) the opposite of that.

Oh yeah, and they think -- RELEASE THE MEMO! -- that there's some kind of massive fraud abuse Deep Stat-ing going on with the FISA applications for surveillance of Trump foreign policy dipshit Carter Page, because who ever heard of the FBI spying on somebody Russian intelligence had been trying to cultivate for YEARSFUCKINGYEARS, with unclear levels of success? They think the FBI relied pretty much solely on the Steele Dossier in order to secure those warrants, which is easy to disprove if you, you know, read the fuckin' warrant applications.

Thing is, none of the news that's dropped about the IG report has been good for morons. The Washington Postreported before Thanksgiving that, though Horowitz will have nitpicks with this or that, particularly with a couple of low-level fuckups in the surveillance applications for Carter Page, his report will show there was no political bias for Hillary Clinton and against Trump, and that all the Fox News Trump Bill Barr conspiracies about the Trump-Russia investigation are what's known in legal circles as completely fucking bonkers. Oh yeah, and it's going to find that no, there was not any "spying" on the Trump campaign, fuck you very much, Bill Barr.

So it's to be expected that Trump and Bill Barr and their devoted media organs are freaking the fuck out right now. Before last night's news about Barr being upset came out, Philip Bump had a great piece yesterday in the Washington Post on how the "Fox & Friends" idiots are tying themselves in knots like drunks playing Twister trying to spin the upcoming IG report, because of how literally nothing these idiots believe about anything is true.

It's gotta sting for this to be coming out right in the middle of the impeachment inquiry into Donald Trump, which the House is undertaking for a whole different set of crimes Trump committed.

Take heart, though, my brothers and sisters! There won't be a mean DOJ inspector general report about the FBI's investigation into Trump's crimes with Ukraine, because of how Bill Barr's Justice Department thought those crimes weren't even worth investigating in the first place. And why? Oh yeah, because of how Bill Barr is not really an attorney general, but rather just the president's low-rent Roy Cohn wanna-be fluffer.

Remember to point and laugh, everyone! He's having a bad week.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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