Bill Barr Is Your Batsh*t Fox News-Obsessed Uncle And You Hate Him

Attorney General Bill Barr is testifying for the Senate Appropriations Committee today, and just like yesterday, when Barr was in front of the House Appropriations Committee, nobody has really wanted to talk about "appropriations." But today, it's been ... HOO BOY. The giant takeaway is that Bill Barr is a fucking right-wing idiot Fox News-infused conspiracy theorist dipshit just like your uncle, and in this scenario, you don't actually love your uncle. Either that, or he plays one really well on TV.

The biggest thing to come out of the hearing is this video, which you need to watch in its entirety, of Barr being questioned by Senator Jeanne Shaheen and replying AYUP, he believes (baselessly) that the Trump campaign was spied on, and he's not talking about Russian spies.

Hey, remember that time Bill Barr thought we needed to investigate HILLARY'S URANIUMS some more, and people tried to be like, "Hey, bro. Bro! Let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt, bro. Bro!" Those people better be shutting their faces right about now.

Quinta Jurecic from Lawfare threw together a quick transcript of what just happened. (If you can't embiggen don't worry, we'll tell you the hot stuff.)

Barr told Shaheen he thinks "spying on a political campaign is a big deal," except we guess when it's Russian spies infiltrating the Trump campaign. Pressed on whether he really thinks that, or whether he accidentally hocked a mouthbreathing turd on the Senate floor, he hemmed and hawed before saying, "I think spying did occur, yes. I think spying did occur." But the question for him is whether it was "adequately predicated" and he's "not suggesting" it wasn't, but "I think I need to explore that." He said, contra reporting from Bloomberg this morning, that he hasn't created a task force to look into all of that yet, but he's thinking about it. And it's not like he wants to investigate the FBI or anything, heaven's no! He just thinks "there was probably a failure among the group of leaders there at the upper echelon." You know, all the people Donald Trump screams at on Twitter in the middle of the night, most of whom are Russiancounterintelligenceexperts.

Jesus. Christ.

So yeah, he wants to "explore" all that. We look forward to the Barr report on exactly what it's like to "explore" the fever dreams that live inside Devin Nunes's bowels, assuming Barr is able to complete the expedition without getting trampled by cows.

Because to be clear, Barr -- sane and normal institutionalist Bill Barr! -- is saying we need to investigate Devin Nunes's wet farts. All of this -- made-up stories about the Deep State sending spies to the Trump campaign, made-up stories about the Obama administration improperly obtaining FISA warrants on Carter Page -- is a collection of conspiracy theories Devin Nunes made up after (ALLEGEDLY!) snorting some hot yacht powder (CERTAINLY NOT!) off a sexxxy cow's teat (AT PRESS TIME WONKETTE HAS NOT CONFIRMED THIS). The Obama administration did not spy on the Trump campaign. They did not "wire tapp" Donald Trump. The warrants on Carter Page were obtainedafter Page left the campaign (though Page had been on their radar for ages) and no, they were not based solely or even mostly on the Steele Dossier, no matter what Devin Nunes's lie memo tries to insinuate. This is all hallucinatory bullshit from people who probably should be examined by the nearest neurologist.

Barr later clarified he meant he needs to ferret out if there was any "unauthorized" spying, as opposed to the legal kind, but oh boy, that turd is still lying on the Senate floor smoking, isn't it? And honestly, that doesn't make it better. He's either saying he believes Devin Nunes's conspiracy theories about Obama People at the DoJ improperly obtaining FISA warrants on Carter Page, or he's saying he really believes there's something to Devin Nunes's conspiracy theories that secret Deep State spies were infiltrating the Trump campaign to do a coup or whatever. Either way, it's batshit.

Barr was later asked by Senator Jack Reed to 'splain whether he has any actual evidence for this crap, and here is what happened:

REED: Do you have any specific evidence that there was anything improper in the counterintelligence investigation by the FBI, or anything improper in the way the investigation was carried out by the special counsel with respect to the 2016 election? Do you have any evidence?

BARR:I'm sorry, it was a compound question?

Really, Bill?

BARR: I have no specific evidence that I would cite right now.


BARR: I do have questions about it.


Elsewhere in Barr's testimony he defended his decision to make a snap judgment on whether Trump committed obstruction of justice, even though that wasn't his fucking job to do (it was Congress's job), so that was pretty cool after him seemingly suggesting he needs to personally investigate whether the Judiciary branch improperly issued FISA warrants as part of a Deep State witch hunt. (Thank God there aren't any other branches of the US government with power Barr could try to usurp, because he'd do it by dinnertime.) He said he doesn't know whether or not Robert Mueller agrees with him on that obstruction question, because he didn't goddamned ask Robert Mueller, and oh yeah, on the subject of whether or not Mueller's investigation was a "witch hunt," he said it "depends on where you're sitting."

We can see where Barr is sitting, quite clearly.

Perhaps the only halfway decent news Barr made is that he says he won't be redacting parts of the Mueller report to protect Donald Trump's reputation or the reputations of other public figures, just "people in private life." Ten bucks Donald Trump Jr. gets off under that clause Bill Barr just made up. Anyway, we guess we'll believe it when we see it, which Barr says will be "hopefully next week," or in other words, by our calculations, approximately one million weeks after he should have released it, FUCKING GIVE IT.

Can we stop calling Bill Barr normal and giving him the benefit of the doubt now? This guy is Louie Gohmert with hair.

And while we are on the subject, what the hell else does Bill Barr believe? Does he believe the Seth Rich conspiracy theory? Does he believe windmills cause cancer? Does he believe Alex Jones's boner speed meth pills are real nutritional supplements? Does he believe Glenn Greenwald makes some good points sometimes?


Oh, we know. It is this madness:

God help us, Trump found his Roy Cohn.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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