Bill Barr PROBABLY Not Going To Lock Her Up Obama And Biden, PROBABLY
Everybody, it is time to just relax and stay calm and know that the attorney general of the United States might be extremely cheap, but he still has standards, and he's not crazy.
During a press conference on Monday, Bill Barr said he doesn't think his bullshit investigate-the-investigators probe into the origins of the Russia investigation, led by US Attorney John Durham, will end up investigating or criminally charging Barack Obama or Joe Biden:
"As to President Obama and Vice President Biden, whatever their level of involvement, based on the information I have today, I don't expect Mr. Durham's work will lead to a criminal investigation of either man," Barr said. "Our concern over potential criminality is focused on others."
Again, PLEASE RELAX. Barr says Obama's and Biden's "level of involvement" in Trump's and Barr's made-up criminal #scandal of #Obamagate just doesn't rise to the level of a criminal investigation, at least "based on the information [he has today]." That could change, we guess! Barr might make up, we mean discover new information! But as of now, his "concern over potential criminality is focused on others," i.e. whichever Obama underlings Barr has decided to throw under the bus to please his real father Donald Trump.
Which, quite frankly, was always what he was going to do, we imagine. Find somebody like Susan Rice to go after for political purposes — you know, an actual witch hunt — and make that the scandal. It was the scandal in 2017, after all!
Barr isn't saying Obama and Biden aren't power-abusers who abused their power. Just maybe they are not crimers:
Barr did say, however, that "not every abuse of power, no matter how outrageous, is necessarily a federal crime."
It is just totally normal right now that we are talking about charging and/or jailing Donald Trump's predecessor or his 2020 election opponent, even if the attorney general is saying "Don't worry, I'm NOT going to do that." TOTALLY NORMAL. Just kidding, it's severely fucked up.
If you have anything sharp in your hand, please put it down so you don't accidentally stab your leg or the ceiling when you read this next part:
Barr maintained that "in the past few decades, there have been increasing attempts to use the criminal justice system as a political weapon," using "the flimsiest of legal theories." Barr said that is "not a good development. It is not good for our political life. It is not good for our criminal justice system."
Barr said that, so long as he is attorney general "the criminal justice system will not be used for partisan, political ends."
Yoga breaths, everyone!
Bill Barr just agonizes over it when people use the criminal justice system as a political weapon and take actions based on the flimsiest of legal theories, he hates that, it keeps him up at night, he can't sleep a wink. As long as he is the sheriff, he is not going to use the criminal justice system "for partisan, political ends." At least not ones that don't benefit Donald Trump, whose ass he licks, for his job.
(THE JOKE IS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CLICK ALL THOSE LINKS, THAT'S HOW YOU SEE THE JOKE.)
He added: "We cannot allow this process to be hijacked by efforts to drum up criminal investigations of either candidate." Barr said that "any effort to pursue an investigation of either candidate has to be approved by me."
Doesn't that make you feel better?
Barr also said that "what happened to the president in 2016 election and throughout the first two years of his administration was abhorrent," in case you are confused about what kind of broke-dick back-asswards Kremlin-style "justice" the American attorney general believes in.
One of Fox News's sources says Durham is homing in on possible FISA abuses, and also the UNMASKINGS!111!! Because everything is 2017 again, the Trump administration really wants us to think that it's bad and criminal that Obama officials wanted to know which US American citizen (Michael Flynn) was on the phone with the Russian government promising them sanctions relief as soon as Trump was inaugurated, so please don't worry about how President Obama just levied a bunch of new sanctions in response to Russia's attack on the 2016 election. New President Putin's Boyfriend will make 'em go 'way!
And you know what? We are willing to believe Durham might find a few things that were done improperly during that time. Not because of malicious intent, but because the Obama administration was confronting in real time the very real possibility — not yet unproven! — that the incoming president and his team were compromised by Russia, America's most significant geopolitical adversary. If we find out a few corners got cut here and there or that somebody forgot to cross a "T," we won't be shocked.
Of course, what Barr wants to do here, then, is take whatever he can find that may not have been done perfectly, and again, make that the scandal. (Seriously, we hope Susan Rice — who is a fucking badass — is adding new lawyers to her team right now today.)
But again, DON'T WORRY, Bill Barr is not CRAZY. He is not going to actually do lock her ups to Joe Biden or Barack Obama, probably!
Dinesh D'Souza is upset about that.
Dinesh D'Souza will simply stop believing in American justice if Donald Trump and Bill Barr don't put the black man in prison! That's very upsetting, we are very upset for (pardoned) felon Dinesh D'Souza right now.
We aren't even going to talk to Dinesh D'Souza about the hordes of Justice Department lawyers in court right now to ensure we can't "prosecute" "the corruption" "as high as it goes," it is the end of the day, we don't have time for that.
Anyway, Bill Barr can go fuck himself, the end.
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