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Former president of fast food Bill Clinton is counting his calories again, because daughter Chelsea gave him"strict orders" to drop 15 pounds of pudge if he wants to watch her marry that guy Marc Mexicansky or whatever next month. Chelsea's a tough little cookie -- she gets that from her mom. She also doesn't want to have to hire a cardiologist for the wedding, because they're so expensive. So, how's Papa Clinton's calorie-counting going?


It's going very well! Thank you for asking. Clinton's been bragging to every reporter he sees about how sleek he's gonna look in his tuxedo -- "just two pounds to go," he says, and "more than a month" to get there. He has been forgoing his favorite meal of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, peas, fried catfish and Coca Cola in exchange for acai berries and Tab, because he saw on an Internet ad that this combo melts off the pounds.

Isn't body image a lady's concern? Yes, it is, because real men are too busy working and paying the bills to care about such things. But acting like a lady has become one of Bill Clinton's new favorite past times.

First, there was his promise to take one of Pantsuit Hillary's lucky donors on a fabulous shopping date in New York. And now he's worrying about his figure and telling people like foreign affairs journalist Ryan Seacrest that he will probably cry at the Chelseapalooza.

Also, yesterday Clinton told the U.S. World Cup soccer team that he wants to join them because they have fancy tan shoes. Then he showed them his own shoes, which are also on diets, and offered to take the team to see the new Sex and the City movie. But when he told team members they couldn't get any popcorn or Milk Duds because of his diet, they said they didn't want to go, which "brought on the waterworks." [ABC News]

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photo by Dominic Gwinn

There was a time, a few months ago, when everyone had written off Elizabeth Warren. Well, not me, because I am a fabulous genius, but lots of other people. The "very reasonable" talking heads on all the various news channels, the kind of people who used to say things like "Oh, we'd like universal health care too, but 'the people' will never go for it!" but who definitely did not actually want universal health care for any reason, and even the Trump campaign. Though, to be fair, the Trump campaign didn't think Trump had much of a chance of winning in 2016 either.

But now, as more and more people hear her speak, hear her plans, hear what she wants to do and how she wants to do it... Elizabeth Warren is rising up in the polls. She's a contender. In the most recent Quinnipiac poll, she was closing in on Sanders for second place nationally, and in California and Nevada polls, she's in second place.

And now, according to a report from Politico, the Trump campaign is now scrambling and panicking and... stalking her?

Keep reading... Show less
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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

1. Pick "just once" or "monthly."

2. Pick an amount, like say "all of the money."

3. Click "paypal" if you are paypal or "stripe" if you are not paypal.

4. MONEY.

5. Carry on with your day, and with new posts below!

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