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On Monday night, Michelle Obama gave a really, really good speech! A speech we can all look forward to hearing Melania Trump give in the very near future! In that speech, she said:

"I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves. I watch my daughters — two beautiful, intelligent, black young women — playing with their dogs on the White House lawn."

The line was roundly praised as being a really great line, in an altogether really great speech.

"BUT WAIT A MINUTE!" says Bill O'Reilly. Because she is LYING. Sort of! Because actually, it wasn't just slaves who built the white house! It was also "free blacks and white people"! And immigrants! Who, um, at that time were also white people. Those slaves were helped by white people who were getting paid! Why aren't they getting any credit! Can't white men get credit for anything? Unfair!

O'Reilly then actually'd her again by splaining that those slaves who built the White House HAD IT SO GOOD, you don't even know. They were provided food and lodging by the government, even! Like guests of the state! Involuntary guests of the state!

“Slaves that worked there were well-fed and had decent lodgings provided by the government, which stopped hiring slave labor in 1802. However, the feds did not forbid subcontractors from using slave labor. So, Michelle Obama is essentially correct in citing slaves as builders of the White House, but there were others working as well.”

So what is anyone complaining about? He notes, also, that when John Adams moved into the white house, it was not done yet, and he and his wife had to listen to hammering all the time! So annoying!

It's definitely not weird at all to want to put a positive spin on kidnapping people from their homes and making them your slaves, ok? O'Reilly just wants things to be balanced, so whenever you mention slavery, you have to also mention something good that white people did, or mention how nice some of the people who owned human beings were. We must be fair!

And, you know -- Michelle -- Bill O'Reilly says that he is sorry, but he just "cannot get rid of that history teacher thing, you know?" He cannot! This is a man who just loves facts. So we are going to have to rewrite that whole part of your speech for you, so as to make it more historically accurate, O'REILLY STYLE:

"I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves, who had it really great and were well-fed and housed, and also some really great and heroic white men! I watch my daughters — two beautiful, intelligent, black young women who are free, thanks to white Republicans — playing with their dogs on the White House lawn."

See? FIXED IT FOR YA! Now you are in the "No Spin Zone."


Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Deutsche Bank shitcanned its own internal compliance reports to disappear suspicious Trump and Kushner transactions and make sure Treasury never got wind of them? You mean the bank that continued to make loans to Trump after every other lender tapped out, that accepted his overnight doubling of his "net worth" by claiming his brand was worth $4 billion, that continued to write him checks after he defaulted and then sued them claiming the 2008 financial crisis was an "act of God?" Those prudent beancounters cut corners to benefit their wealthy clients? FAM, WE ARE SHOOK.

No, not really. It would be shocking to find out that the private wealth managers let algorithms work their magic on high net worth individuals and turned the reports over to Treasury like they would for some guy making $75,000 who got a $19,000 wire from the Isle of Man. The rules for rich people are different, and Deutsche Bank did not get to be part of the "Global Laundromat" by taking all those anti-money laundering statutes literally. (And if you think the other big banks aren't doing the exact same thing, the Easter Bunny has a bridge to sell you. This is why Elizabeth Warren freaks the finance guys out -- she knows where all the bodies are buried.)

At the same time, this story in the New York Times about Deutsche Bank compliance officer Tammy McFadden getting fired for pointing out Trump and Kush's hinky transactions in 2016 -- including some with Russians, natch -- is pretty ridiculous. With regulators on two continents breathing down their necks for laundering Russian money, DB's private wealth bankers were allowed to swoop in and save their clients from any of that icky federal snooping into their questionable transactions.

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To be honest, we're not 100 percent sure who's right in the argument over whether 2020 Democratic primary candidates should do town halls on Fox News, though we suspect it's Elizabeth Warren, because she's usually right. But if you are going to do it, then Pete Buttigieg showed us all how you should do it, which is to make sure you get all the way under the skin of Fox News's most regular viewer, the chunk of human cells and pigshit who lounges around the White House all day watching TV and apparently not (thank God) doing much work.

In fact, the president was whining hours before the town hall even started:

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