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photo by Dominic Gwinn

We were a little busy when billionaire Democrat J.B. Pritzker was running for governor of Illinois, and also we didn't care, but we would have cared if SOMEONE had pointed out to us in the late days of the gubernatorial campaign that this punch-faced (we will remind you because it was several commas ago) BILLIONAIRE had taken all the toilets out of his mansion, so he could cheat the city of Chicago out of a couple hundred thousand dollars off his property taxes. On the mansion that was next door to his other mansion.

I don't know, maybe one of the two Wonkette writers who live in Chicago. Or any of the rest of you! THE MAN TOOK OUT HIS TERLETS, TO CHEAT YOUR SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS AND, I DON'T KNOW, RECREATIONAL MURDER GUN CENTERS, OUT OF CASH.


WBEZ reports that Pritzker and his wife, M.K., are indeed under federal investigation for general disgustingness -- or rather "perjury, mail fraud, and tax fraud," and it's so fucking gross you guys. Why is the wife of a billionaire spending her days looking over her assistant's shoulder and micromanaging LYING ABOUT TOILETS AND BASEMENT STAIRS to skip out on $330,000 in property taxes? That's -- I just did the math -- nine THOUSANDTHS of a percent of their $3.5 billion net worth!

Let's copy and paste some:

"She is going to have the house re-assessed as an uninhabitable structure," the email says. "To do this, she would like to have us pull all toilets and cap all toilet lines in the house. Then after the assessment, she would like us to put the 1st Floor toilet back in and have this as the one functioning bathroom in the place (she will then be finishing out the front room for JB's [Jay Robert 'J.B.' Pritzker's] hangout/meeting area]."

The project manager that the Pritzkers hired told inspectors that M.K. Pritzker did specifically mention "reassessed" during a meeting, according to the report.

"When asked if it was clear that M.K. wanted to have all the toilets removed because it was related somehow to the home being 'reassessed,' the B&A Project Manager replied. 'She did note those two areas together,'" the report says.

The toilets were removed on Oct 6, 2015, with no directive to reinstall them. A ticket from the plumbing company notes five toilets were pulled, with the five toilet supply lines also capped, along with additional gas lines disconnected and additional work.

The appraisal firm's president said "he was unaware the toilets were removed about 10 days prior to their inspection of the property on October 15, 2015." He also told inspectors he had been informed the toilets were in place on Jan. 1, 2015. He said the home was "unoccupied but functional and it could be habitable."

There were two affidavits signed that said "the property has been vacant and uninhabitable from January 1, 2012 to present. There are no functioning bathrooms or kitchen." That was signed on Oct. 15, 2015.

Know what, M.K. Pritzker? Fuck you.

It's not Chicago, it's our old home of LA, but Tucker Carlson (YES I KNOW) has been having on a lady to complain about the homeless situation. Does Tucker Carlson have LA's best interests at heart? OF COURSE HE DOESN'T! He's been blaming immigrants for Los Angeles homelessness all week!

But he's right that a homeless population many multiples larger than my current town in Montana, shoved into four-tenths of a square mile, is disgraceful, and shameful. (Los Angeles shelters barely 20 percent of its homeless folks, compared to 60 percent for Seattle and almost 100 percent for New York City.) And his guest lady who took the pictures showed what "not having a toilet" looks like: It looks like raw shit and piss getting emptied into a bin and then the gutter.

This is what "uninhabitable" looks like, M.K. Pritzker. How fucking dare you take the five toilets out of your mansion-next-to-your-other-mansion so you can cheat your own city's homeless of a library, a shelter, a toilet. Or five.

How very very very fucking dare you.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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