photo by Dominic Gwinn

We were a little busy when billionaire Democrat J.B. Pritzker was running for governor of Illinois, and also we didn't care, but we would have cared if SOMEONE had pointed out to us in the late days of the gubernatorial campaign that this punch-faced (we will remind you because it was several commas ago) BILLIONAIRE had taken all the toilets out of his mansion, so he could cheat the city of Chicago out of a couple hundred thousand dollars off his property taxes. On the mansion that was next door to his other mansion.

I don't know, maybe one of the two Wonkette writers who live in Chicago. Or any of the rest of you! THE MAN TOOK OUT HIS TERLETS, TO CHEAT YOUR SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS AND, I DON'T KNOW, RECREATIONAL MURDER GUN CENTERS, OUT OF CASH.

WBEZ reports that Pritzker and his wife, M.K., are indeed under federal investigation for general disgustingness -- or rather "perjury, mail fraud, and tax fraud," and it's so fucking gross you guys. Why is the wife of a billionaire spending her days looking over her assistant's shoulder and micromanaging LYING ABOUT TOILETS AND BASEMENT STAIRS to skip out on $330,000 in property taxes? That's -- I just did the math -- nine THOUSANDTHS of a percent of their $3.5 billion net worth!

Let's copy and paste some:

"She is going to have the house re-assessed as an uninhabitable structure," the email says. "To do this, she would like to have us pull all toilets and cap all toilet lines in the house. Then after the assessment, she would like us to put the 1st Floor toilet back in and have this as the one functioning bathroom in the place (she will then be finishing out the front room for JB's [Jay Robert 'J.B.' Pritzker's] hangout/meeting area]."

The project manager that the Pritzkers hired told inspectors that M.K. Pritzker did specifically mention "reassessed" during a meeting, according to the report.

"When asked if it was clear that M.K. wanted to have all the toilets removed because it was related somehow to the home being 'reassessed,' the B&A; Project Manager replied. 'She did note those two areas together,'" the report says.

The toilets were removed on Oct 6, 2015, with no directive to reinstall them. A ticket from the plumbing company notes five toilets were pulled, with the five toilet supply lines also capped, along with additional gas lines disconnected and additional work.

The appraisal firm's president said "he was unaware the toilets were removed about 10 days prior to their inspection of the property on October 15, 2015." He also told inspectors he had been informed the toilets were in place on Jan. 1, 2015. He said the home was "unoccupied but functional and it could be habitable."

There were two affidavits signed that said "the property has been vacant and uninhabitable from January 1, 2012 to present. There are no functioning bathrooms or kitchen." That was signed on Oct. 15, 2015.

Know what, M.K. Pritzker? Fuck you.

It's not Chicago, it's our old home of LA, but Tucker Carlson (YES I KNOW) has been having on a lady to complain about the homeless situation. Does Tucker Carlson have LA's best interests at heart? OF COURSE HE DOESN'T! He's been blaming immigrants for Los Angeles homelessness all week!

But he's right that a homeless population many multiples larger than my current town in Montana, shoved into four-tenths of a square mile, is disgraceful, and shameful. (Los Angeles shelters barely 20 percent of its homeless folks, compared to 60 percent for Seattle and almost 100 percent for New York City.) And his guest lady who took the pictures showed what "not having a toilet" looks like: It looks like raw shit and piss getting emptied into a bin and then the gutter.

This is what "uninhabitable" looks like, M.K. Pritzker. How fucking dare you take the five toilets out of your mansion-next-to-your-other-mansion so you can cheat your own city's homeless of a library, a shelter, a toilet. Or five.

How very very very fucking dare you.


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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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