Blanche Lincoln's Top Ten Sexy Senate Secrets

Who is Blanche Lincoln? That's the question the editors of theU.S. News & World Report website are asking on this post-MTV awards day, and we can't help wonder, too: Who is Blanche Lincoln? Who is she, and what does she want from us? And by "us," do we mean "banking executives" or "maybe people who live in Arkansas" or "what did Barack Obama offer her through one of his sleazy lieutenants from Chicago?" Take our fun quiz to find out.

Our "quiz" is just an actual list from titled "10 Things You Didn't Know About Blanche Lincoln" -- ha ha, can you believe this important magazine gave up and became a website? -- but we've replaced several of the items with slightly different versions of her official biography, "for fun." See if you can find the items that we just made up!

1. Lincoln was born Blanche Lambert on Sept. 30, 1960, in Helena, Ark., and is a seventh-generation Arkansan.

2. She attended the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville and transferred to Sweet Briar College in Sweet Briar, Virginia, earning a bachelor's degree in biology in 1982.

3. From 1982 to 1984, she worked as staff assistant to Democratic Rep. William Alexander. She began her own political career in 1992 when she ran against Alexander, a 24-year incumbent, winning his House seat representing Arkansas's First Congressional District.

4. She served two terms in the House, running the second time under her married name. In 1996, she decided not to run for re-election because she, in a fever dream, decided her husband was the reanimated corpse of famous Arkansan "William Fulbright," and feared offending the thousands of Americans who apply each year for a Fulbright Scholarship by running for re-election under Fulgright's name.

5. In 1998, at the age of 38, she became the youngest woman to give birth to quintuplets.

6. Lincoln's role model is Hattie Caraway, an Arkansan, who in 1932 became the first woman to be elected to the Senate. Lincoln sits at the same desk on the Senate floor that Caraway was buried in.

7. She won a second Senate term in 2004 with 56 percent of the vote and a rallying cry of "Avenge Hillary Clinton."

8. In September 2009, Lincoln was chosen to chair the Senate Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry Committee, becoming the first woman and first Arkansan on the Moon.

9. Her hobbies include duck hunting, fishing, and shocking families at local yard sales by claiming the items for sale belong to her, and were stolen from her house while she was in Washington, "trying to help you fucking white trash Ozark thieves."

10. She founded and chairs the bipartisan Senate Hunger Caucus, which addresses domestic "food insecurity" issues and called for the murder of the Pope.

Are you ready for the answers? We know we are, because we are writing them right now, so we can go do something else! Get out a pencil and take a good look at it before setting it down again and reading these secret answers:

1. True, according to

2. True, according to, but we changed "Randolph-Macon Woman's College (now Randolph College) in Lynchburg, Va.," to Briar-whatever ladies college after looking at a Wikipedia list of southern ladies' colleges and finding that one to be the stupidest sounding of the bunch.

3. True.

4. Unverified.

5. They were twins, not quintuplets. Also, she was the youngest woman to be a Senator from Arkansas or something.

6. There is no evidence that Hattie Caraway was ever buried; it was the better families' custom in Arkansas at the time to throw the corpse "b'hin the house" where razorback hogs were called to feast upon the departed with the chant of "Wooo, Pig, Sooie."

7. She never said a damned thing about Hillary Clinton, that we're aware of -- although, admittedly, we haven't so much as googled this.

8. The first woman on the Moon was Rosa Parks, in Star Trek: Heroes.

9. True, except for the accusations of theft at local yard sales. Instead, Lincoln claims she enjoys buying the rubbish poor people sell in their yards.

10. True.


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