Blast From The Past! Murdery Blackwater Guards Finally Standing Trial


We haven't thought about Blackwater in awhile, probably because they changed their name to Xe, which sounded like some sort of Scientology thing. That only lasted a couple years, and now they're Academi, which just makes it look like they can't spell. Anyway, we're thinking about BlackXeMi today, because those guards that murdered a fuckton of Iraqi people -- ALLEGEDLY -- are finally on trial. About goddamn time. It has been seven fucking years, people.

After years of delays, four former guards from the security firm Blackwater Worldwide are facing trial in the killings of 14 Iraqi civilians and the wounding of 18 others in bloodshed that inflamed anti-American sentiment around the globe.

Do you remember how fucked up that whole thing was? It was super fucked up. Like the kind of fucked up that we can't even really joke about it.

The shooting took place on September 16, 2007, at the congested Nisour Square intersection, after a convoy of four armoured vehicles manned by Blackwater guards had departed from Baghdad's heavily-fortified Green Zone.

In a span of 15 minutes, heavy gunfire erupted and by the time it was over, more than three dozen Iraqi civilians had been shot, at least 17 fatally. Among the dead was nine-year-old Ali Kinani, who was shot in the head as he rode in a car with his father, Mohammed Kinnani.

The guards maintain that they opened fire in self-defense after being shot at by insurgents.

Christ, that was awful. And getting the guards to stand trial has been close to impossible. Christ, it was like two Wonket owners ago that we wrote about the guards facing gun charges, which was a whole different law thingy.

The attorneys for the contractors have dragged this out with all due un-haste. First, the Blackwater guards were given immunity, so their own statements couldn't be used against them in the criminal prosecution, so the federal district court tossed the case. It took two years for the court of appeals to reverse, and another three to get to trial. And the shenanigans aren't done yet.

Lawyers for the guards had asked that current or former members of the military not wear uniforms when they testify in the case, a request the court denied. The guards' lawyers argued that distinctions between contractors and uniformed military had become highly politicized.

It is indeed highly politicized, you douchebags! And you've hidden behind this bullshit distinction where you're private when it suits you and want to wrap yourself in the flag when that gets you a better result. You got private money that was fucktons better than we actually paid Army people so now you get to face some goddamn private civilian criminal justice. Did we say it was about goddamn time? About goddamn time. Our only regret is that they aren't able to try creepy Erik Prince, who was the head of this murder ring and probably still sleeps on a giant fucking bed of money. Indict that guy please.


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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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