BLIND ITEMS: What Senator Earmarked a Bridge To the Moon?
- This is still referred to as "The D.C. Gossip," right? Let's give you some.
- This senator from a Great Plains state has a district office made entirely of pickup trucks and is on record against earmarks. But that didn't stop him from sticking one into the recent omnibus bill that provides trillions of dollars for construction of a bridge to the Moon to be named after his grandson, after he lost a bet in a game of Go Fish. What does the earmark say shall be done with any leftover funds? Construction to build a crater-sized facility for SECRET SEX PARTIES.
- This Supreme Court justice was seen eating a cup of chocolate pudding while reading over the shoulder of a clerk typing up an opinion for him. The judge, known around town for spitting in the face of tourists when they ask him to pose for pictures on their Segway, dropped a spoonful of the pudding on the back of the clerk's black tuxedo jacket. After looking around to see if anyone noticed, the justice surreptitiously and ever-so-gently licked off the glob of dessert. His clerk never noticed, but the two of them later had a SECRET SEX PARTY in the courtroom.
- ITEM! This local college student, famous for never sleeping with a single member of Congress, finally took the plunge and got an internship at the office of an incoming freshman legislator. But after talking to an angry, inane constituent on the phone, the student became instantly and completely disillusioned with politics and democracy itself in her first 162 seconds on the job -- a new intern record. She went back to her dorm and took part in a SECRET SEX PARTY.
- This current president of the United States, well regarded for his long and luscious blond locks, was seen at a CVS on U Street buying a box of hair dye after going to his usual weekly worship service at the local Mormono-Scientologist prayer cellar. Next, he moved to the chip aisle and stared for five whole minutes, contemplating the fiscal responsibility of buying a bag of Doritos. Suddenly, he burst into flames and re-emerged from the ashes as a shimmering white stack of rejected health care legislation that was wearing only his Air Force One bomber jacket. And then he watched two senior House leaders have a SECRET SEX PARTY in the CVS breakroom.
Never mind, dumb idea.