Everything is terrible all the time. And yet, Your Wonkette still managed to find you a Nice Time story for Friday! Who loves you, Baybee?

Today's happy dance is thanks to Bloomberg News, which took Rudy Giuliani's evil little smear campaign against Joe Biden, and dismantled it with careful reporting before it could detonate and launch shrapnel into every nook and cranny of the political ecosystem. Thank you, Bloomberg, for proving that 2020 will not be a rerun of 2016! Maybe tell your pals over at the New York Times, who seem to think that good journalism involves printing lies as if they might be true. AHEM.

Rudy Giuliani, who has his own interesting entanglements in Ukraine, has been flogging this Ukrainium One bullshit for a month now. In Rudy's version of events, Vice President Joe Biden threatened to withhold $1 billion of US loan guarantees in 2016 if Ukraine didn't fire its chief prosecutor Viktor Shokin. Sure there was an international consortium pushing for Shokin's ouster over massive corruption. But Rudy knows that Biden's real motivation was to halt an investigation into his son's Ukrainian client Mykola Zlochevsky, notwithstanding the fact that Shokin's investigation of Zlochevksy had gone dormant more than a year earlier. Nice of Times reporter Ken Vogel to refer to "the Bidens' Ukrainian work" six times in that article where he printed Rudy's bullshit, huh? (Ken's been a happy helper on this Ukraine story since back in his Politico days.)

Everything was all going so well! Rudy even had a crafty plan to use Ukraine to discredit the entire Mueller Report by claiming that Paul Manafort was framed using forged evidence cooked up by Hillary Clinton. And he might have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling Bloomberg kids, who discovered the real forgery was actually Giuliani's documents implicating Joe Biden. Womp womp!

A Ukrainian lawmaker accused his country's top prosecutor of manufacturing a "conspiracy" about U.S. Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, adding to a political intrigue playing out from Kiev to Washington.

The lawmaker, Serhiy Leshchenko, said he had been given parts of a letter written by the prosecutor with the intent of currying favor with the Trump administration. The letter was sent by the prosecutor through unofficial channels to President Donald Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, the lawmaker told journalists on Monday in Kiev as he distributed copies of two pages.

The letter, purportedly written by Prosecutor General Yuriy Lutsenko, said that Biden, while U.S. vice president, personally received income from a Ukrainian natural gas company in exchange for "lobbying activities and political support."

Leshchenko accused the prosecutor of attempting to curry favor with the Trump administration by making up lies about Biden. If so, it appears to have backfired spectacularly. By the time Bloomberg tracked him down, the prosecutor was shouting into any available microphone that Hunter Biden never broke any laws and UKRAINE DOESN'T WANT ANY TROUBLE.

Yuriy Lutsenko, the current prosecutor general, said that neither Hunter Biden nor Burisma were now the focus of an investigation. He added, however, that he was planning to offer details to U.S. Attorney General William Barr about Burisma board payments so American authorities could check whether Hunter Biden paid U.S. taxes on the income.

"I do not want Ukraine to again be the subject of U.S. presidential elections," Lutsenko said in an interview Tuesday in his office in Kiev. "Hunter Biden did not violate any Ukrainian laws -- at least as of now, we do not see any wrongdoing. A company can pay however much it wants to its board." He said if there is a tax problem, it's not in Ukraine.

Please, Bill Barr, do confirm that Hunter Biden paid all applicable taxes on his company's Ukrainian earnings. And we promise never to elect Hunter Biden for president. Done and done.

And they all lived happily ever after! No, not really. They all lived angrily and wisely ever after, constantly vigilant and taking nothing for granted. They screamed and yelled and banged pots when lies were printed as if they might be true, and they didn't ignore stupid shit assuming that no one could possibly take it seriously. Because they knew from painful experience that the unthinkable could easily become reality, so they never, ever again sat home for a midterm, primary, or the smallest ballot initiative.

Thank you Bloomberg, for this Friday Nice Time. Thank you Daryna Krasnolutska, Stephanie Baker, and Kateryna Choursina for taking Rudy's conspiracy smear out back and putting it out of our misery. It'll probably take him at least a week to regroup and gin up another lie, but until then ....


[Bloomberg / Bloomberg, again]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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