Bob Dole: 'Bob Dole Has No Use For That Ted Cruz Fella' -- Bob Dole
Don't you love old people? Not that old people smell, but old people in general who are so close to death that they just say whatever the fuck they want because they have earned that right through living so long and knowing a thing or two about life. Sometimes the truth hurts, but old people are all honey badger about hurting people, probably because of being face to face with the Grim Reaper. Today, our favorite Old is former Senator and GOP Presidential nominee Bob Dole (R-Kansas), who has some words to say before he speaks to St. Peter in third person, per The Hill:
"A number of the younger members, first-termers like Rand Paul, Rubio and that extreme-right-wing guy, Ted Cruz — all running for president now. I don't think they've got enough experience yet," Dole said.
First of all, all the people mentioned seem like "extreme-right-wing guys" to us, but we do agree that Ted Cruz is the most nutjobiest of them all. Does Dole have a particular vendetta against Cruz? Let's see.
It turns out that Ted Cruz is no fan of Bob Dole or any other Republican nominee who doesn't have the luxury of catering only to the ass-crazy fuckwits what live in Texas:
"All of us remember President Dole, and President McCain and President Romney," Cruz said [last month]. "Now, look, those are good men, they're decent men, but when you don't stand and draw a clear distinction, when you don't stand for principle, Democrats celebrate."
That's right, Cruz! Insulting injured WWII vets is the best way to show your principles! Can you imagine Dole's reaction to being slammed by that upstart whippersnapper! Just the thought of his whiny, nasally voice snickering and laughing as he mocks the previous standard-bearers of his party makes us vomit a little in our mouths, and we didn't even vote for those guys.
Fellow Elder-American John McCain called on Cruz to apologize, but Cruz was probably too busy celebrating his success at ending Obamacare or his numerous other accomplishments as a Senator.
Dole went on to elaborate:
Dole said Cruz is "way out there" on the extremes of the party and defended his own record, calling himself one of President Reagan's top supporters.
Way to bring in St. Reagan. You still have some political chops, old man! And he didn't just insult individual Senators, but took his party to task for their position on health care:
Dole was critical of the Republican Party's platform on healthcare, saying, "they need to get together and coordinate, but they don't."
Perhaps by "coordinate," he means that the GOP should have an actual plan on health care, beyond just letting poor people die because we all know Jesus only wanted the rich to prosper and inherit heaven.
But Dole didn't just save his insults for his own party. He is no huge fan of that Kenyan Usurper. He questioned the Obamacare enrollment numbers (8 million), and blasted the President for not forging better relationships with Congress, which makes sense because Congress has gone out of its way to be friendly to Obama.
Keep on keepin' on, Bob Dole. While you may have served your country in war, as a U.S. Senator, and as a Presidential Candidate, we will always remember you for shilling Viagra. Because the only thing better than Old People Smell is the mental image of grandpa's boner.