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Boehners Today, Boehners Forever!

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By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hello, everybody! Your Comics Curmudgeon has been lying low for a bit, because of the election madness, fearful that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be sending out his goon squads to round up the inadequately orange and put them into tanning booth camps. But then it turns out that he's not going to seize control of the less-organized half of the legislative branch for another couple of months! Thus, it is still legal to print cartoons about him that do not feature his unbearably beautiful blue eyes emitting power-beams that heal lepers. FOR NOW.


Ha ha, Nancy Pelosi, remember her? She was "2006's John Boehner," if you can believe that. Anyway, she will spend the last sad days of the her speakership clinging to the back of the angry, bucking bronco that is the Democratic Party, which seems to be wasting a lot of energy being all angry and bucking-y now, when it can't help anybody. Your Comics Curmudgeon spent an embarrassing amount of time staring at the small of Nancy's back in this cartoon, trying to figure out if the line work there was supposed to represent her ass-crack, but then thought, "Wait, am I really trying to figure out if Nancy Pelosi is topless in a rodeo-themed Glen McCoy cartoon? Is this what I'm doing with my life?" So then I stopped! If you find yourself compelled to fixate on something here, why not contemplate the semiotics behind the depiction of the Republican elephant as a rodeo clown in the background?

Oh, I'm sorry, do whimsical clown-elephants bore you? Are you looking for terrifying surrealist imagery that will haunt your dreams for weeks? Here: Take a look at this cartoon, in which Nancy Pelosi pushes her face, frozen into an awful death-mask, mere inches away from a mirror. Why can't she see her reflection? Why does the mirror's surface ripple like a pool of water, in defiance of the physical laws that normally govern our reality? The skin on her face is frozen so tightly that she can't even speak or scream as the surface of the mirror liquid parts to reveal an terrifying orange countenance, appearing from the murky depths of some hell-dimension. "John Boehner," it says gnomically. That is all it can say. "John Boehner. John Boehner."

Psych! John Boehner is not the disembodied face of a terrifying demon-spectre. He's an important American political leader, and he ought to be treated with respect. Get with the program, political cartoonists! The first step is to depict his distinctive orange hue as being more or less uniform across his visible flesh. Under no circumstances should you portray him as he appears here, which is to say, "as if a can of spray tanner had abruptly exploded in his face." Also, do not color his hair to resemble that of the Oompa-Loompas in the 1971 Willy Wonka movie. John Boehner has managed to conquer his "Oompa-Loompa hair problem" with the help of his lord and savior Jesus Christ and copious amounts of Just For Men hair coloring, as his chief of staff will let you know at great length via email if you happen to imply otherwise.

It's totally OK to make fun of his name, though! Ha ha, because "Boehner" looks like it should be pronounced like "boner" even though it's not, really. And you can use it to build funny compound words, like "Boehnercare," which implies that it's about taking care of boners -- specifically, the boners sprouted by Boehner's lobbyist friends, when he ensures that they and their clients will have plenty of money, forever. Whee! Boehners!

Meanwhile, while all this hot Boehner action was going on, crafty Mitch McConnell was sneaking up on Barack Obama and cutting off his hand. Wait, there's a political cartoonist who knows who Mitch McConnell is? NERD.

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OK everyone, hello! It was a really shitty week with Trump's BABY JAILS and whatnot, right? And we cried and we cried, but then we got MAD. Are you MAD BRO? Because this shit is not going to stand and we are more fired up than ever to make things better, to register people to vote, to pick them up in our car so they can go vote, and also all the other stuff too. BRB TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK NOW. That is how we are right now! So are you! Start by marching with Wonkette next week!

Also, please look above, as that is a picture of Wonkette toddler getting SWIMMING LESSONS. Isn't that the greatest?

OK, we are continuing our tradition of making the top ten post even shorter than ever before, because gotta get on the road and go to Nashville BRB GOING TO NASHVILLE NOW.

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Why Are You Peeing On Yourself, Donald Trump, Jr.? (ALLEGEDLY)

2. Ann Coulter's America Will Die if Baby Jails Go Away, So That's Something!

3. Yes, Trump Is Stealing Children. But You Can DO Something.

4. Baby Jails? Goddamn Motherfucking BABY JAILS?

5. Trump's 500 Days Of Bummer

6. The 987,386 Most Fucked Up Lies Our Shithead President Told This Morning

7. Happy Father's Day, Roger Stone! YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!

8. Michael Cohen Slams Baby Jails On His Way To Grownup Jail

9. Awwwww Rudy Giuliani, YOU FUCKING SCARED?

10. Trump Foundation Fuckery? WHO KNEW!

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT.

Let's see ... anything else? Nope, BYE.

Yours in baby Jesus,

Wonkette

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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