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BP Apologizes For Ruining Your Three-Day Weekend (and the Earth)

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Happy Memorial Day, Americans! (Because of the Constitution, you are the only people on the planet to have a day honoring your soldiers, so enjoy it! Foreigners just coldeat their war casualties, "to avenge the fallen.") And don't turn on the news radio or look at the Internet, except for the usual porn and pizza orders, because baby it's bad out there. FOR EXAMPLE: You know that "top kill" oil spill thing nobody really believed was working even though we had Hope, for a little while, on Friday? Yeah, the BP guy apologized. He's totally sorry. The new "fix" probably won't work, either -- and it might increase the bleeding crude "by as much as 20%." But August might be different, so hold on for August.


The LA Times reports:

BP's plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday.

But at least BP feels bad:

BP's CEO said Sunday he's sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I'm sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state's southeastern marshes.

"We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused their lives. There's no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

"I would like my life back." Ha ha, so never mind, what he means is that he's sorry for the inconvenience, to his life. Could you people please give this man his nice life back? He's a global oil executive, not a common slob. [CNN]

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Screenshot- Laura Ingraham Show

According to Rachel Campos Duffy, former reality TV personality and current Fox News personality, migrant baby jails are better than the "Projects". And she totally knows this for fact because she has a "black friend" who told her so. This totally mysterious black friend enlightened her on the horrors faced by black people in black places, which makes it perfectly okay for Trumpco to lock away those "privileged" brown babies. Also, stop being mean to her for spewing that hot garbage on the Laura Ingraham (who believes baby jails are like "Summer Camp") show, because it's not fair that you refuse to believe she has a black friend.

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Gavin McInnes, the super gross dude who co-founded Vice and later founded "The Proud Boys," a fraternal order of yahoo racists who can "name five brands of cereal" had some thoughts this week on the detention centers that children being torn from their parents' arms are being sent to.

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