Meet the Gun-Humping 'Brad Pitt Of The GOP'
Northern Minnesota is the land of Bob Dylan and the Boundary Waters, a place where every sunset is accompanied by the haunting songs of loons and no one ever talks about their feelings. It is also home to Stewart Mills, who is running for Congress and has been called the "Brad Pitt of the GOP" by this lady, who may have an undiagnosed astigmatism. D.C. really is Hollywood for ugly people and also this guy really looks like Steve Zahn.
Anyway, who is this guy, Stewart Mills, the guy who is crushing a beer bong like a TOTAL CHAMP in the photo above?
In relaxed environments, Mills is polite and funny, the kind of guy voters would want to have a beer with. Over the course of several conversations with this reporter, he made frequent references to experiences he’s had with this or that “buddy of mine” and showed off pictures of his young kids fishing (he has two children, three stepchildren and four step-grandchildren).
And he offered a gleeful response to the story from last fall that showed pictures of him drinking from a beer bong.
“Chugging a beer gives me credibility with the 8th District,” he said.
Dude puts the party back in Republican Party, are we right?
So Stewart Mills is a totally chill bro, total stud, and his family's probably got a sick lake house because they own a successful local big-box chain. Did we mention dude can crush beers? Because Stewart Mills can seriously crush beers, bro, seriously, you don't even know.
Photos obtained by City Pages show Mills, the Mills Fleet Farm VP and seemingly inevitable 2014 GOP challenger to Rick Nolan, hitting a beer bong and playfully licking the lips of a woman.
NO WAY, WAS SHE HOT?
Can't even tell with those shades, bruh. We hate it when chicks that have, like, a totally dece face wear those big sunglasses inside or whatever, even when it's at Chi Ep, where the lighting's all low and shit.
Did we mention that Stewart Mills can hump him some guns? Oh, you bet your sweet, shiny centerfire cartridge he can hump him some guns! That's how Mills first came to the attention of the pale horseman who shamble across the land in search of Republican Congressional candidates, with a big long video about guns, which we will blockquote at you so you don't have to watch the full twelve-and-a-half minutes (sic throughout).
I want our children protected from knives, from guns, and from bombs. The only way we can do that is put armed security in our schools, now. We also need to look at the effects of violent video games and imagery on vulnerable and impressionable at-risk children, and we need to look at the mental health issues facing this country.
So that is my open video letter to our Congressmen and Senators.
Excellent book report, Stewart Mills, everyone clap for Stewart! Please, Minnesota, elect this man, so that he can go to Washington and throw the sickest rager the House cloakroom has ever seen.
Follow Dan on Twitter. He's really hoping Mills can provide at least some of the entertainment value of the retiring Michelle Bachmann.