Northern Minnesota is the land of Bob Dylan and the Boundary Waters, a place where every sunset is accompanied by the haunting songs of loons and no one ever talks about their feelings. It is also home to Stewart Mills, who is running for Congress and has been called the "Brad Pitt of the GOP" by this lady, who may have an undiagnosed astigmatism. D.C. really is Hollywood for ugly people and also this guy really looks like Steve Zahn.

Anyway, who is this guy, Stewart Mills, the guy who is crushing a beer bong like a TOTAL CHAMP in the photo above?

In relaxed environments, Mills is polite and funny, the kind of guy voters would want to have a beer with. Over the course of several conversations with this reporter, he made frequent references to experiences he’s had with this or that “buddy of mine” and showed off pictures of his young kids fishing (he has two children, three stepchildren and four step-grandchildren).

And he offered a gleeful response to the story from last fall that showed pictures of him drinking from a beer bong.

“Chugging a beer gives me credibility with the 8th District,” he said.

Dude puts the party back in Republican Party, are we right?

So Stewart Mills is a totally chill bro, total stud, and his family's probably got a sick lake house because they own a successful local big-box chain. Did we mention dude can crush beers? Because Stewart Mills can seriously crush beers, bro, seriously, you don't even know.

Photos obtained by City Pages show Mills, the Mills Fleet Farm VP and seemingly inevitable 2014 GOP challenger to Rick Nolan, hitting a beer bong and playfully licking the lips of a woman.


Can't even tell with those shades, bruh. We hate it when chicks that have, like, a totally dece face wear those big sunglasses inside or whatever, even when it's at Chi Ep, where the lighting's all low and shit.

Did we mention that Stewart Mills can hump him some guns? Oh, you bet your sweet, shiny centerfire cartridge he can hump him some guns! That's how Mills first came to the attention of the pale horseman who shamble across the land in search of Republican Congressional candidates, with a big long video about guns, which we will blockquote at you so you don't have to watch the full twelve-and-a-half minutes (sic throughout).

I want our children protected from knives, from guns, and from bombs. The only way we can do that is put armed security in our schools, now. We also need to look at the effects of violent video games and imagery on vulnerable and impressionable at-risk children, and we need to look at the mental health issues facing this country.

So that is my open video letter to our Congressmen and Senators.

Excellent book report, Stewart Mills, everyone clap for Stewart! Please, Minnesota, elect this man, so that he can go to Washington and throw the sickest rager the House cloakroom has ever seen.

Follow Dan on Twitter. He's really hoping Mills can provide at least some of the entertainment value of the retiring Michelle Bachmann.


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What did we say this morning? Something about how "They want a war with Iran," and "Please do not listen to news reports about Trump telling his people to cool their jets with the Iran talk, because they want a war with Iran, and all they are looking for is their trigger"?

News came out early this morning that Iran shot down a US drone in the Strait of Hormuz, outside Iranian waters. Let's see what our president and his war-bonering GOP shitmouths in Congress have had to say about that:

Great. Just great. So what's happening now?

Awesome. Just splendid. Trump is having a cuddle party today with John Bolton (who's had a hard-on to bomb Iran since the Bush administration); Mike Pompeo (who's been making the rounds lying and saying Iran and al Qaeda are best friends, thus implying that it's very legal and very cool for Trump to strike Iran without congressional authorization, based on the Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF) Congress voted for five days after 9/11); and Patrick Shanahan, the outgoing acting Defense secretary, who will make way for another acting Defense secretary, because who needs real Defense secretaries? (The new guy, Mark Esper, is part of the meeting too.) And as Senator Schatz points out above, Trump is emotionally unstable and doesn't know dick about foreign policy, so it's just great that he's having an emergency meeting with these unhinged hawks about this right now.

Tell us what this all means, unhinged hawk Lindsey Graham!

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

1. Pick "just once" or "monthly."

2. Pick an amount, like say "all of the money."

3. Click "paypal" if you are paypal or "stripe" if you are not paypal.


5. Carry on with your day, and with new posts below!

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