BREAKING: Chairman Channel Surf Spends Days Watching His Stories, Eating BonBons

How lazy is President Layabout? THIS LAZY.

From Axios, "Insider leaks Trump's 'Executive Time'-filled private schedules"

The orange blocks represent the hours that laggard spends sprawled on the tanning bed scarfing hamberders, we guess. Oh, sorry, we mean that's Executive Time, where he parks his haunches on the divan and exercises his thumbs by live tweeting the Craven Coven of the Curvy Couch.

Some White House aide helpfully leaked three months of Commander Couch Potato's internal schedule to Axios, and SPOILER ALERT the guy never works. Raise your hand if you'd like a job where you don't have shit to do before 11AM. And don't worry about commuting, because you can just wander downstairs and have people wave cartoons under your nose for a couple minutes, after they've been strictly warned not to say anything that contradicts your deeply held, entirely uninformed opinions.

"Trump does review briefing materials, at least if you make it a point to have him do so," said a former senior White House official who has direct knowledge of Trump's reading habits. "But only if you talk and guide him through it as he's reading."

Plus you never have to shop, cook, clean, do laundry, or spend a minute with your kid. (Seriously, when was the last time that pathetic asshole ate breakfast with his 13-year-old son?)

What a deal!

As everyone on Twitter knows, the Prince of Indolence drops his first dump tweet a little after 6 a.m. Then he rolls around in last night's McDonalds wrappers, channel surfing and yelling into the Obamaphone for five hours until his morning pep talk with jack-of-all-trades Mick Mulvaney. In theory, he's in the Oval Office by 8. Also in theory, he's 6'3", and weighs 239 lbs.

But Trump, who often wakes before 6 a.m., is never in the Oval during those hours, according to six sources with direct knowledge.

Instead, he spends his mornings in the residence, watching TV, reading the papers, and responding to what he sees and reads by phoning aides, members of Congress, friends, administration officials and informal advisers.


Since the election, Commander Dilettante has spent almost 60 percent of the work week doing fuck all. The guy who tells people that Barack Obama "just sat in here and watched basketball all day" thinks shooting the breeze with Hannity and the rest of the lickspittles counts as slaving away. Or as Sarah Huckabee Sanders puts it, "President Trump has a different leadership style than his predecessors and the results speak for themselves."

Girl, don't we know it.

And now for another news cycle of the president's sycophants shouting that Lieutenant Lethargy is, in fact, the most energetic president that ever did grace the people's house. The Emperor's clothes are sumptuous, truth isn't truth, and ignorance is strength. That last one most especially. Axios reports:

Trump believes to his core, one former senior White House official told Axios, that he's better off not preparing for some meetings. He thinks preparation hinders his ability to read the room and act with spontaneity, this former aide said.

See, it's better to go into a room thinking that Nipple and Button are Indian states. Any nerd can learn the difference between the Balkans and the Baltics. It takes a special kind of spontaneous genius to hand all of Syria over to Turkish president Erdogan so he can slaughter our Kurdish allies wholesale. But Trump goes with his gut, and a colon full of Bic Macs can tell him more than anyone else's brain, okay? Besides which, Trump's Oval Office scheduler assures us, Trump takes literally hundreds of secret calls and meetings "everyday."

George W. Bush and Barack Obama packed their days with on-the-record meetings, phone calls, and briefings, but Sargent Sloth fondling the remote control is the real workaholic, okay?

Trump receives national security materials and news summaries every evening. But the package is more visual than those of his predecessors, with screenshots from the Drudge Report homepage, pictures of his own tweets and snapshots of cable news chyrons from throughout the day, according to people who've seen Trump's nightly briefing packages.

But it's not all bad news. At least Axios managed to re-type all the leaked documents to protect the identity of the leaker. Unlike The Intercept, which just sticks shit online as it comes to them and wound up sending two whistleblowers to jail. So, the president is a shiftless dullard who sits around watches television all day in public housing -- hey Reaganites, we found your mythical welfare queen riding around in a Town Car eating steaks on the taxpayer dime -- but at least the fourth estate is learning not to out its sources!

[Axios / Axios, again / Axios, FTW / Axios, schedules]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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