BREAKING: Fiona Hill Smart, Devin Nunes Full Of Cow Sh*t

Fiona Hill's testimony on Thursday was incredible. Her opening statement was incredible, as she looked directly at Trump-fondling GOP congressmen like Fucking Devin Nunes and Jim Jordan and World's Stupidest Podiatrist Brad Wenstrup and told them in no uncertain terms that their conspiracy theories about UKRAINE IS THE REAL COLLUSION are a "fictional narrative" from the pit of hell, advanced through the devil's interlocutors in Russian intelligence and the Kremlin.

But did you know that's not the first time Congress has been told that recently? It wasn't in the House, that we know of, but the New York Timesreports today that US intelligence has briefed senators on that particular conspiracy, and has explained succinctly that UKRAINE IS THE REAL COLLUSION is indeed Russian propaganda.

In a briefing that closely aligned with Dr. Hill's testimony, American intelligence officials informed senators and their aides in recent weeks that Russia had engaged in a yearslong campaign to essentially frame Ukraine as responsible for Moscow's own hacking of the 2016 election, according to three American officials. The briefing came as Republicans stepped up their defenses of Mr. Trump in the Ukraine affair.

O RLY? So this isn't something they've just never heard before? Huh! Wonder if they're talking about the same hot garbage Devin Nunes spent the last week spewing, just kidding, we don't have to wonder:

Starting at least in 2017, the operatives peddled a mixture of now-debunked conspiracy theories along with established facts to leave an impression that the government in Kyiv, not Moscow, was responsible for the hackings of Democrats and its other interference efforts in 2016, senior intelligence officials said.

The Russian intelligence officers conveyed the information to prominent Russians and Ukrainians who then used a range of intermediaries, like oligarchs, businessmen and their associates, to pass the material to American political figures and even some journalists, who were likely unaware of its origin, the officials said.

You mean like Ken Vogel, in that piece of shit article about alleged Ukrainian meddling Politico published in January of 2017, which Republicans cited repeatedly this week in impeachment hearings, and to which Politico has still not appended a correction that says "LOL SO SORRY, VLADIMIR PUTIN WROTE THIS"? The origin story for why Devin Nunes and other Republicans spent the week trying to scream "ALEXANDRA CHALUPA," as if that was an important thing to scream?

After Dr. Hill gave her statement, every Republican on the House Intelligence Committee raced to say, "NUH UH! WE DIDN'T SAY RUSSIA DIDN'T DO IT!" They cited the Devin Nunes House Intel Committee report which did indeed lightly conclude that Russia did some bad stuff in 2016, but unlike the entire US intelligence community, and unlike the GOP-led Senate Intelligence Committee's reports, couldn't bring itself to admit that Russia did it for Trump.

Their point, which they wanted us to hear bigly, was that of course Russia meddled. Republicans aren't crazy, after all. They just ALSO think Ukraine did it, to help Hillary Clinton steal the election from herself, and that that is way more important than the Russia thing.

Thing is, during those very same impeachment hearings, every impeachment witness who was in a position to know identified this bullshit as Russian propaganda. And Democratic lawyer Daniel Goldman repeatedly showed the transcript of a 2017 presser with Vladimir Putin and Hungarian shithole leader Viktor Orbán, where Putin spread some of the seed for this conspiracy theory:

PUTIN: As we all know ...


PUTIN: during the presidential campaign in the United States, the Ukrainian government adopted a unilateral position in favour of one candidate. More than that, certain oligarchs, certainly with the approval of the political leadership, funded this candidate, or female candidate to be precise.

And from there the Russian propaganda conspiracy theory traveled to God's ears, and then, having been rejected by God, it somehow traveled directly into the READ THE TAJ;SDKJFKDSLOLPENISJGTAPOTRCIPT! of Trump's call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, most likely mama-birded into Trump's throat by Rudy Giuliani. From there WE ARE JUST GUESSING it may have accidentally infected a dairy cow who then chose to impregnate Devin Nunes with it, MAYBE ALLEGEDLY METAPHORICALLY OF COURSE.

(This would be a good place to remind everyone that accordng to Robert Mueller's memos, during the 2016 campaign Paul Manafort advanced the Russian propaganda that the Ukrainians were the real hackers, which "parroted a narrative [Manafort's Russian spy buddy partner Konstantin] Kilimnik often supported." And wouldn't you know it, the Times reports that Manafort's former boss, the Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska, AKA "Putin's favorite oligarch," has been integral to Russia's operation to frame Ukraine, according to US intelligence.)

On top of simply calling out this Russian propaganda, impeachment witnesses spent a lot of time this week on why Russia would create such a conspiracy theory to frame Ukraine. Dr. Hill testified that in 2016 Russia wanted to delegitimize whomever was ultimately "elected" president -- while yes, of course, tipping the scales for Trump -- and that they of course want to distract from their own election meddling crimes. She compared it to the time Russia tried to push a conspiracy theory that Russia didn't try to assassinate one of its own former agents Sergei Skripal in the United Kingdom, but rather the United Kingdom did. (Funny, isn't it, how Trump alsoblathered on to Theresa May for hundreds of millions of minutes in the summer of 2018 about how Russia probably didn't do it, ISN'T THAT ODD?)

David Holmes, the official from the US embassy in Kiev who testified alongside Hill on Thursday, added that on top of deflecting from their own responsibility, Russia created this narrative to drive a wedge between the US government and Ukraine (mission accomplished!), and also they'll take any opportunity to say BESMIRCH STATEMENTS about Ukrainian government leadership, in order to weaken them.

Fiona Hill testified straight up that Donald Trump has been informed that his Ukrainian conspiracy theory bullshit is certified Angus bullshit. So of course it follows that Trump called "Fox & Friends" this morning from his golden toilet phone and yammered for 53 minutes about how "the word" among totally normal people is that somebody gave Ukraine "the server" to bury in its back yard, in order to stick it to Trump. Or something. Even the Fox hosts were a little bit WTF about it.

But he has been told. And the Senate has been told, by US intelligence. And Fiona Hill told Congress and all the American people on live TV.

Point is, these assholes have zero excuse. GOP World's Stupidest Senator Ron Johnson, who's up to his Wisconsin dick-cheese in Trump's Ukraine scandal, has no excuse.

Hey, remember that time in 2016, when the US intelligence community told the Obama administration and the Gang of Eight that Moscow was ratfucking our elections for Trump, and Mitch McConnell not only questioned the intelligence, but also threatened Obama that if the administration went public with it before the election, Moscow Mitch would scream BIASSSSSSSSSS and call it "partisan politics"?

Third verse, same as the first! And it's an oooooooold Russian song.

Well, this caps off our impeachment week nicely, don't you think? OPEN THREAD!

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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