BREAKING: Old Handsome Joe Biden Old. Still Running For President!

joe biden
BREAKING: Old Handsome Joe Biden Old. Still Running For President!

In his latest column, "Why The 2024 Race Is Eerily Quiet," Politico's Jonathan Martin declares, "Never in modern political history has a presidential campaign gotten underway so freighted with uncertainty." Huh? We already know who's on half of the ballot! This is no different from 1992, 1996, 2004, and 2012! The incumbent president, Joe Biden, is running for re-election. We know this because he keeps telling us.

It's true Biden hasn't made a formal announcement, but he's not being coy. The Federal Election Committee just goes crazy when you make it official.

The twice-impeached, one-term loser Donald Trump announced his 2024 comeback coup last month. He's the likely nominee barring alien abduction, and intelligent extraterrestrial life would have better taste. Republicans are stuck with him, but most Republicans are seemingly biding their time until Trump gets indicted. Ted Cruz, for whom humiliation is a personal kink, is plotting a 2024 run but only if Trump isn't in the race. Nothing screams "leadership!" louder than building your presidential campaign on a passive-aggressive foundation.

“I’m still not convinced he’s all-in,” Sen. Kevin Cramer (R-N.D.) told me by way of explaining why Trump’s onetime loyalists, himself included, are on the sidelines. “Losing another election could be very damaging to his pride. It’s all so unsettled.”

Wow! Cramer is even acknowledging that Trump lost the last election. RINO!

Martin suggests "stopping Trump’s comeback and preserving democracy is the raison d’etre of Biden’s reelection," which is odd because Biden ran for president twice prior to Trump stinking up the White House. Maybe Biden has always wanted this job. Martin nonetheless wonders if Biden will run again if Trump doesn't or if he'll just walk into the sea draped in a "Mission: Accomplished" banner. I'm convinced Biden's running because he keeps saying so.

And if Biden does run, will he pledge to serve a full second term?

Yes, damnit, of course, he will. He's not going to half-ass this.

It's no wonder Biden is cranky about this age. People keep bringing it up as if they just learned to count.

The president has vented to allies about how often his age is mentioned in the press — “You think I don’t know how fucking old I am?” he said to one earlier this year. But who knows what the fates have in store for someone who just turned 80 a few weeks ago (Sorry, Mr. President!).

Newsweek reports that BIden is facing a "potential tidal wave of people not wanting him to run" in 2024. That's a weird metaphor that they use in both the headline and the article, as if they're proud. According to a December 5 Redfield & Wilton Strategies poll, 58 percent of eligible voters don't believe Biden should run for president in 2024, and 42 percent of them claim his age is the reason, not his actual job performance.

Wait, so did these voters not know how fucking old Biden was in 2020? This is an eight-year job and the briefcase with the nuclear codes doesn't also contain a map to the Fountain of Youth (though that would make a great National Treasure sequel).

Thirty percent of voters in the poll support Biden seeking re-election and 12 percent said they aren't sure. Only 49 percent of those surveyed don't want Trump to run again, but at 76, he's apparently a spring chicken compared to Biden. He's also a wannabe tyrant and suspected criminal. That seems like a bigger deal.

[Politico / Newsweek]

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter if it still exists.

Subscribe to the Wonkette YouTube Channel for nifty video content!

Look at our pretty photos on Instagram!

Yr Wonkette is 100 percent ad-free! Please subscribe, donate, and otherwise help keep us alive and kicking!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc