BREAKING: President Biden Won't Be Signing Your Stimulus Checks. Because He's Not A Grifting Narcissist.

White House
BREAKING: President Biden Won't Be Signing Your Stimulus Checks. Because He's Not A Grifting Narcissist.

The earth is healing! Check out this exchange between White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki and a reporter at today's briefing.

REPORTER: Any update on whether he wants his signature on [the $1,400 stimulus checks] like former President Trump demanded?

PSAKI: We're doing everything in our power to expedite the payments and not delay them, which is why the President's name will not appear on the memo line of this round of stimulus checks. The checks will be signed by a career official at the Bureau of Fiscal Service. This is about the American people getting relief, almost 160 million of them.

REPORTER: So he did not want his name to appear on the checks?

PSAKI: He didn't think that was a priority or a necessary step. His priority was on getting them out as fast as possible.

It's all so weirdly ... normal!

In the Before Times, it would never have occurred to anyone that an American president would demand that his signature appear on checks mailed out by the Treasury. Much less that he would delay emergency relief to get his stupid EKG-looking moniker slapped on there like the money was a gift from the Dear Leader, from whom all blessings emanate.

But just a year ago we were looking at a multi-day holdup in mailing the first round of stimulus checks so Trump could stick his brand in the memo line, once some poor underling broke it to him that he wasn't an authorized signer for America's checking account, that is. Not that we don't trust you, sir, not at all! It's just ...

Then he tried to get prescription drug gift cards out to seniors before the election, in a blatant attempt to bribe the voters, and was only thwarted because every lawyer in government shouted STAHHPPPP, THIS IS SOOOO ILLEGAL. Then the entire Health and Human Services bureaucracy spent three months alphabetizing their recycling and refusing to make eye contact, until it was darnit too late to get it done.

So, yeah, we're grateful. Grateful that we get to forget about these pressers every day because there's no psychotic liar behind the podium crapping on the media and giving us a rage stroke. Sure, it's kinda boring to watch reporters go "Hey, your boss gonna do some crazy corrupt shit that's probably illegal today, or —" only to be cut off by Psaki with a curt, "Nope. Next?"

But boring is good! Normal is great. A day where nothing is on fire and we're making small talk about the White House pets is a gift.

Take a nap; take a walk; take a breath. We finally have an administration that you don't have to watch like a hawk every second to make sure they don't burn down half of DC. We made it to the other side.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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