BREAKING: Senate Republicans Very Proud Of Themselves For Doing A Thing

Here is some BREAKING news from Senate Republicans, and you know it is BREAKING because it says so, right there.

What is this BREAKING news bipartisanship of which they speak? Let us watch their video, in which we will surely see evidence of Republicans bipartisanshipping with Democrats, in a BREAKING kind of way:

Did you see all the bipartisanship? No, we did not either. We watched the whole damned three-minute video, and we saw the opening clip from Fox News (drink); and then a bunch of Republicans complain about our tax system because taxes are bad; and then Rand Paul whines about Iranian leadership saying things on Twitter; and then some more Republicans say they are trying real hard to Get Things Done, like building the Keystone XL pipeline; and then another clip from Fox News (drink again), in which the world learns that Sen. Pat Roberts's ringtone is "Let It Go"; and dot dot dot, that is the end of the video. Huh.

Maybe Republicans are already celebrating their singular victory of making a deal on Tuesday to finally hold a confirmation vote for attorney general nominee Loretta Lynch. Ya know, after refusing to do that since she was first nominated in November because "other priorities," like refusing to do that.

The most recent other priority has been passing a human trafficking bill, which Democrats have said "nuh uh" to, so long as it expands the Hyde Amendment, to make government funding of abortion even more restricted than it already is, which is a lot because there are, like, eleventeen billionty bills and executive orders saying no government funding of abortion, so that's pretty clear already, ACTUALLY.

So what is this awesome epic so bipartisan deal grown-up Republican grownups made so they can finally find the time to hold the vote on our new attorney general?

Under the deal announced Tuesday, the bill will create two funding streams. The first one flows from fines collected from sex traffickers, and would be used for survivor services excluding health care. This stream would not include Hyde Amendment restrictions. The second one would come from community health center funds that are already subject to the abortion limits.

The deal lets both parties walk away with a solid talking point: Democrats can celebrate that they prevented an expansion of Hyde, while Republicans can say they didn't cave on restricting abortion funds.

That is one heckuva victory for Republicans -- and bipartisanship! -- isn't it? Republicans gave Democrats exactly what they've been demanding on the human trafficking bill, which is to not use it to expand the Hyde Amendment, and Republicans will now stop being dicks for five seconds and allow the Senate to vote on Lynch, just like Democrats have been asking them to do all this time.

But yeah, sure. Bipartisanship. Excellent job, Republicans, we can see why you are so gosh darned proud of yourselves.



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