Barack Obama

Donald Trump is a flippiter-floppiter! He announced he's going to do ... something ... with Afghanistan, and that something wasn't pull out immediately and redirect all the funding into jobs or ethnic cleansing or whatever Nazi dog-whistle "America First" policies the typical Dead Breitbart reader supports. Therefore, those fuckers are ANGRY. Breitbart's not full of pussies like Sean Hannity, who blew a happy starburst hole through his panties over Trump's Afghanistan speech. (He is so remarkably easy to please.) Breitbart means BIDNESS, and it's not about to let Trump go back on his campaign promises. In fact, now that Steve Bannon is back at the helm, a "Breitbart person" says if Trump does break promises, they will help Paul Ryan impeach Trump! Because that is totally a thing Paul Ryan would do!

Will you just look at this butthurt headline?

The article goes on to say Trump's "America First" base, you know, the Nazi dogwhistle loser stains who voted for him, were the "biggest loser" from Trump's Afghanistan speech. It notes that this is the first speech after the unseemly quit-firing of President Steve Bannon, and whines that this is NOT what a significant minority of Americans voted for in November. GRRR ARGH.

Breitbart included Twitter-wailing from some of its best friends, to drive home the point:

Hahahaha, because white supremacist shitheads like Ann Coulter are better at judging who pronounces foreign words correctly. Did you guys see Rachel Maddow's sick burn in her intro to Trump's speech Monday night, where she noted that Trump is prone to referring to people from Afghanistan as "Afghanis," which is equivalent to calling Americans "dollars"? It was just great and it renders Ann Coulter yet again a dumbfuck.

Let's see what alleged pee enthusiast and America-Firster Todd Starnes thinks:

Maybe Trump will give the "Afghanis" single-payer and free college!

Mike Cernovich squinted his eyes even closer together than they already are and tweeted out this:

Now look, we're not saying we're big advocates of escalating the war in Afghanistan. Historically, nobody actually wins a war in that country, and it's a giant clusterfuck. But we are enjoying watching Breitbart cry all the same. How can we hold both of these thoughts in our heads at the same time? Because we are DICKS.

Want some more butthurt Breitbart headlines? Of course you do!

Can't you just smell their desperation and sadness? They manage to barely elect a dimwitted white nationalist, somebody JUST LIKE THEM, and yet they still can't get what they want! And nobody wants to have sex with Breitbart people either. So weak and sad!

We may have to start a regular feature, now that Bannon is president of Breitbart again and Donald Trump's dumbass puppet strings are being pulled by the generals in the White House. Maybe we can call it "CRY, BREITBART, CRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

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[Dead Breitbart]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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'Miga and Carlos' by Wonkette Operative 'Chica'

It's Father's Day, which means it's time for Yr Dok Zoom and his son to go to brunch and check out the downtown Boise Father's Day Car Show so we can ooh and ah over the very same Corvettes 'n' Mustangs 'n' lovingly-restored classic cars that are there every year, and I will probably once again point at the '68 Beetle converted to run on electricity and say, "Oh look, a Voltswagen!" Traditions matter. (Kid Zoom is 22, so I may also/instead meet him for cocktails later like grown up human people.)

Don't worry about any deep thoughts on the Meaning of Fatherhood here -- we're just going to enjoy the goofy side of dadding, which as far as I'm concerned is the best thing I've done with my time. Especially since my role model for parenting was the unnamed Dad from "Calvin and Hobbes."

As any fool knows, ice rises to the top of liquids because it's cold, and just wants to be closer to the sun so it can warm up. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.

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