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Breitbart Will Be Ready With The Dunking Chairs When The Witches Take Over America.

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Once upon a time, in America, in the late 1600s, a bunch of incredibly cruel and stupid people in Salem decided that a bunch of women (and a few men!) were definitely doing witchcraft to them, and that they should kill them over it. While most of us consider this to have been a particularly embarrassing chapter of our history, those who cater to the cruelest and stupidest people of today seem to be trying to bring those days back.

This year, we have been treated to a spate of "OMG THERE ARE WITCHES AND THE WITCHES DO NOT LIKE DONALD TRUMP" articles popping up all over the wingnuttosphere this past year. The latest in this genre comes from Breitbart, eager to warn it's cruel and stupid audience of the impending witch invasion. There are more witches than Presbyterians now, warns Thomas D. Williams, Ph. D. -- and it's pretty much all Obama's fault.

Williams' article touches on three major things: There are more people who say they practice Wicca than there are Presbyterians now, America became less religious during Barack Obama's presidency, and a bunch of witches tried to curse Brett Kavanaugh earlier this year. But none of that really matters -- the whole point is simply to rile up Breitbart's stupid and cruel audience into sounding as much like everyone's favorite Pat Robertson quote as humanly possible.

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

And he succeeded! Let's take a look some of the hilarious comments from outraged Breitbarters who are very mad at all the feminism and witchcraft they see taking over their precious country:

This, my friends, is where the road of feminism leads, and complete with child sacrifice (abortion) as its chief sacrament.

It sure is, guy who sounds exactly like 1992 Pat Robertson!

Personally, I like this guy who decided to explain that the Presbyterian denomination is also Satanism, because of how much they like the gays:

WTF... Witches or other witches.. The Presbyterian Church is currently the only Presbyterian Denomination in the United States that allows same-sex marriage, and ordains openly LGBT members as teaching elders, and ruling elders. If that isn't the church of satan, what is?

The idea that mainline Christianity is just not homophobic enough to keep people away from witchcraft seems to be a popular one:

Mainline Christianity puts more emphasis on global warming and acceptance of homosexuals and illegals than it does on saving souls and preaching the Gospel. That's not going to inspire anyone so it's no surprise that their membership is dwindling. Man has a void in his soul that has to filled with something and if the churches are going to abandon their mission people are going to look elsewhere. It was predicted that in the last days there would be a falling away from the faith.

Man, they really hate Presbyterians over there. Possibly more than the witches!:

I was raised in the Presbyterian Church as was my whole family. I never really heard the Gospel in our Church. Nobody talked about how good the Lord was, never heard any Praise Jesus. My older brother 10 years older never heard the Gospel either, just a few years ago he asked me what the John 3:16 signs meant at football games, he had no idea. my sister joined the JW`s for crying out loud.

My Mother and Father came to Jesus both late in life, my mother via TV ministry. lead me to Jesus, LONG LONG after the Presbyterian days, dont want to condemn other Presbyterians, but we never heard the Gospel at ours, and yes we went faithfully every Sunday, Sunday School picnics bring back good memories, but thats about it. We raised money for Ethiopia

I have no denomination outside of Christianity. All Christians are Pro life pro family and are NOT capable of voting Democrat in any way shape or form as far as I am concerned. I only attend Bible believing Churches, non denominational mostly, been to some good Pentecostal Churches, Salvation Army and many independent Bible believing Churches. Hey been to some great Baptist Churches, yes have moved around a lot.

I don't... I don't know what any of this means.

Now, far be it for me to question the logic of a Breitbart commenter, but I'm not actually sure that aborted fetuses would even count as a sacrifice?

"They buy aborted fetuses to sacrifice. It should be illegal."

Like, you couldn't just go to a mortuary and be like "Hey Satan! Look at all these dead bodies I got you!," could you? That seems like cheating.

Here's this normal person explaining how if we killed people for being witches, we wouldn't have any witches. Fair point!

If being a witch meant a death sentence in America, then there wouldn't be any witches out there.

Too bad it's not the 1600s anymore, I guess.

This one is very, uh, poetic:

So this is where militant feminism leads. invoking Satan to destroy the "patriarchy". Druids sacrificing the unborn in their bodies in sterile rooms devoid of mercy and love to the Lord of Flies. These are the signs our Father foretold to us, brothers and sisters. Repent and be Baptized!

I'm not gonna copy and paste the whole thing, but there's also a whole long conversation there about how there are more "heathens" because of all the immigrants coming in, and how it doesn't matter if the immigrants are Catholic because Catholics -- like the Presbyterians, I guess? -- are actually Satanists. Then this one guy who says he has a masters in theology proves all the people from Latin American countries are Satanists with numerology:

The ancient Greek word for "the Latin speaking man" is LATEINOS
L = 30 lambda
A = 1 alpha
T = 300 tau
E = 5 epsilon
I = 10 iota
N = 50 nu
O = 70 omicron
S = 200 sigma
------------
666

Well. Who can argue with that logic?

Anyway, this has been real weird, and I'll now leave you to your open thread. Enjoy! And also give us some money if you can -- we've all gotta stock up on our eye of newt supplies for the new year!

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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