Brett Kavanaugh Calling Balls And Strikes All Over YOUR FACE. An Illegitimate Supreme Court Confirmation Hearing Liveblog!
Good morning, everyone, summer is over and so is America!
Today is the first day of the confirmation hearings for Brett Kavanaugh, who was nominated to the Supreme Court by an unindicted co-conspirator who thinks he's America's dictator (and not the kind Barack Obama thought he was with his four dollar cell phone fees!). If confirmed, he could be in a position to rule on whether the illegitimate president who stuck him on the court can face subpoenas, and though Kavanaugh was all about going after presidents when it was the 1990s and the president was a legitimately elected Democrat, his later writings reveal that he's developed some severe daddy issues when it comes to executive power.
Also he probably most likely wants to kill Roe v. Wade like the halfwit Gorsuch he is.
Also have you seen his forehead? Kavanaugh says he's a rule of law kind of judge who respects precedent, but apparently he doesn't respect the precedent that says humans shouldn't have 3,000 square foot foreheads, and also no chin. He's really fucking gross to look at, and we really do point that out just to be unkind.
As these hearings begin, the Trump administration refuses to release over 100,000 pages of documents from Kavanaugh's time in the Gee Dubya Bush White House, citing "executive privilege," so obviously those documents are fucking embarrassing. Another 42,000 documents were dumped on the Senate Judiciary Committee's face last night, leading Chuck Schumer to try to get the hearings delayed, since nobody has actually had a chance to read any of the documents.
But hey, who cares, this isn't a normal or decent or legitimate American process or anything.
Hey, did you hear there are literal handmaids in the Capitol right now, like all dressed up like Offred and everything? That is a thing that is happening. Anyway, let's liveblog this fucker.
9:38: HOT DAMN, Y'ALL! WE HAVE BEGUN!
OK, so Chuck Grassley started saying "good morning, let's poop on America together," and immediately Kamala Harris (D-She's Running) started interrupting to say "fuck this shit, we haven't even read those documents from last night and neither have you" and she kept yelling and then Dick Blumenthal was like "YEAH WHAT KAMALA SAID" and Cory Booker is like "ADJOURN, THIS MEETING IS ADJOURNED" and then there was a protester who screamed some stuff and this shit is LIT.
9:41: Chuck Grassley is displeased that Cory Booker has cast aspersions on his asparagus and Mazie Hirono is pissed now and more protesters are screaming, LOL GOOD MORNING, DONALD TRUMP, GONNA MAKE THIS AS PAINFUL AS POSSIBLE.
9:44: PoopFace McCarpool is NOT PLEASED.
9:49: Chuck Grassley is delivering some kind of extended soliloquy about how this process IS TOO totally normal and moreover, Chuck Grassley DOES TOO know where he is right now.
9:55: Holy crap, our Democrats are being very entertaining right now! They are filibustering and filibustering and filibustering about the documents they're not being allowed to review, and when Amy Klobuchar finishes talking, Cory Booker starts talking, and when Cory Booker starts, Dick Blumenthal talks, and so on and so forth, and somebody just dropped a "Merrick Garland" bomb on the proceedings and now stupid sad moron Republican John Cornyn wants ALL THE DEMOCRATS to be held in contempt, LOL fuck you.
10:00: Haha, Chuck Grassley has lost all control over this hearing, and if we had to guess, we would imagine he is daydreaming about corn right now.
Ooh, another protester just made a noise! Shitshow!
10:01: GRASSLEY: We have reviewed all the new documents on the Republican side!
WHITEHOUSE: That's 7,000 documents an hour. You are full of shit.
GRASSLEY: We are speed demons!
Dianne Feinstein is doing some of her opening statement now, about how Donald Trump is a criminal.
10:04: Brett Kavanaugh's mouth is not the appropriate size.
Now Feinstein is just cold listing off problematic things about Brett Kavanaugh, as a way to explain why we need to be able to read all these documents so we know exactly how bad he is before we do anything dumb like confirm this dumb idiot.
And now we are back to Richard Blumenthal's motion to adjourn the hearing and Kamala Harris's motion to postpone and PROTESTER YELLING AGAIN.
10:10: Hey, Judge Stupidhair McGross, maybe you should just take your kids back to school and withdraw your name from consideration and just in general go the fuck away. Then we wouldn't have to go through this uncomfortable process, now would we?
10:15: Mazie Hirono is now distracting Chuck Grassley with questions about the rules of the hearing and Thom Tillis is reading an article from NBC about the Democrats' plan to obstruct the hearing, like "WE SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING, DUMBO-CRATS."
The Dems do not fucking care, what we got here is a whole buncha lawyers in one room and they are all just having fun at this point. And Blumenthal motions to adjourn again!
10:20: Fifty minutes in and we have accomplished nothing. Moreover, the Democrats are not saying Brett Kavanaugh definitely picks his dog's nose when he is drunk, but they're going to see those documents to make sure.
10:25: The common refrain of Democrats here is "what in the HELL are you people trying to hide about this chinless forehead before us today? Because we are not sure he faked the moon landing with the Zodiac Killer -- who may or may not be Ted Cruz -- but we really need to see those documents to find out."
10:28: Amy Klobuchar says that the 147,000 documents she's not allowed to talk about are "illuminating." OOH, WHICH DEMOCRAT SENATOR GONNA LEAK SOME SHIT TODAY?
10:29: LOL John Cornyn just started whining about "mob rule." Awwwwwwwww, are the GOP senators not enjoying being treated the way GOP senators commonly treat Democrats?
10:32: One hour in and we've accomplished not shit. Now Dick Durbin is just saying that Bill Burck, the lawyer who designated as committee confidential these 147,000 pages about how Brett Kavanaugh can't poop without making continual 360 degree rotations on the toilet (allegedly), is not even a government employee, he's just some dumb lawyer, so why the fuck does "Bill Burck" get to make rules?
Chuck Grassley asks the Democrats if they're going to do this all day. Democrats like "LMAO we are just getting started, Senator Corn Nuts."
10:39: By the by, Bill Burck, the lawyer for Dubya who said the documents that show conclusively (allegedly) that Brett Kavanaugh is unable to write judicial opinions unless he has four pairs of dirty underpants on his head, is also the lawyer for White House counsel Don McGahn, Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus. Because this isn't an incestuous-as-fuck situation or anything.
GRASSLEY: Can I proceed to my opening statement?
KAMALA HARRIS, PRESIDENT OF YOU: I'll defer to my colleagues on that. Now I will make a speech that will end up in a campaign ad very soon.
10:42: GRASSLEY: Can I make my opening statement now?
BLUMENTHAL: So, as I was saying about my motion to adjourn!
GRASSLEY: I am going to make my opening stateme-
MAZIE HIRONO: Not really, you aren't.
10:44: BOOKER: I'm going to talk now.
GRASSLEY: And then do I get to make an ...
BOOKER: Dunno, you'll have to ask these other Democrats to find out if they're in the mood to let you make an opening statement anytime before the midterm elections. But seriously, we have only gotten 10% of the documents we need, and we are not even sure if Brett Kavanaugh can't fall asleep at night without playing big spoon/little spoon with an American Girl doll, which is why we need to see those documents.
10:47: Wonkette motions to adjourn the hearing because Chuck Grassley, a known idiot, just called Brett Kavanaugh "Brent."
10:53: Chuck Grassley making whines in his opening statement about Robert Bork, because those lameass motherfuckers are still not over that.
Meanwhile, seems pretty much the only people in attendance are protesters, press and Brett Kavanaugh's carpool group, because here's what it looks like now that a bunch of protesters have been manhandled out of there:
Guess nobody wanted to come to Brett Kavanaugh's party.
10:58: In case you were wondering about all those motions to adjourn:
Now it is time for Dianne Feinstein's opening statement! She immediately goes in to Roe v. Wade and Kavanaugh's "assurance" to Susan Collins (LOL) that he thinks it is "settled law." She says she'd like to believe that Kavanaugh would respect that "settled law," but we don't have THE DOCUMENTS, and moreover we don't even know if Brett Kavanaugh has a handmaid at home named Ofbrett, because apparently these assholes have a lot to hide.
11:04: Feinstein now basically saying Brett Kavanaugh's brain is tortured when it comes to gun laws, which he basically believes are all unconstitutional, no matter what they are.
And now there are protesters going APESHIT and Orrin Hatch is getting his magic underpants in a bunch about it! In case you couldn't hear, a protester screamed that without care for her pre-existing condition, she would die. Hatch responded by calling her a "loudmouth."
11:15: You know, when your Supreme Court nominee is less popular than ass lice, maybe you should reconsider:
We are just saying.
11:19: Orrin Hatch now mad at the protesters' "insolence" and says they should get out of the "DOGGONE ROOM."
11:25: Patrick Leahy uses his opening statement to talk about how it's pretty clear Donald Trump The Criminal only appointed Kavanaugh because dude pretty clearly believes that presidents are dictators who are above the law. Kavanaugh's hamster cheeks are obviously very frustrated by this accusation.
"You shouldn't be sitting in front of us today," says Leahy.
Also are his cheeks full of seeds he is storing for the winter? Does he eat his rodent seeds with ketchup the same way he eats his pasta? Unfortunately we don't have the documents so we JUST DON'T KNOW.
11:30: LEAHY: Every document we have gotten was "hand picked" by a "hyper-conflicted" lawyer who is OH BY THE WAY representing half the criminals in Donald Trump's orbit. What the HELL else are you assholes hiding?
11:35: Leahy says from the very limited documents they've received, looks like Brett Kavanaugh fuckin' lied in his last confirmation hearing, which, by the way, is a crime. He is just saying.
11:38: Now John Cornyn is saying Brett Kavanaugh is very pretty and wonderful and Kavanaugh is pleased to hear these nice words about him.
Here, for your edification, is Kavanaugh's "pleased" face:
This dickhead thinks he's above all this.
"I'll be a real good witness," Trump told Dowd, according to Woodward.
"You are not a good witness," Dowd replied. "Mr. President, I'm afraid I just can't help you."
The next morning, Dowd resigned.
11:52: Also Dick Durbin says Brett Kavanaugh is basically a political hack, which is just factcheck true.
11:59: Dick Durbin basically just told Kavanaugh that if he thinks he's worth shit, then he should be willing to have ALL THE DOCUMENTS out there in public. And if Kavanaugh (correctly) determines that he is not worth shit, then BYE, ASSHOLE.
12:12: No, we have not forgotten you, it is just that Senator Mike Lee of Utah is making an opening statement about how Brett Kavanaugh is so awesome and Brett Kavanaugh has the hottest legal mind and oh my god we are falling asleep. Catch you next time a Democrat talks or Orrin Hatch has a temper tantrum at a protester!
12:17: Sheldon Whitehouse basically says the common "judicial philosophy" of Kavanaugh and Republican judges like him is that they are basically gigantic whores for whatever Republicans want, and that there's actually no "judicial philosophy" beyond that. Gonna mark that one down as FACTCHECK TRUE.
To prove his point, Whitehouse is reading off "Roberts Five" decisions that consistently favor big Republican money interests, and never ever EVER the rights of regular Americans who are not multi-billion dollar Corporation People.
12:27: Sheldon Whitehouse's point is that since Kavanaugh is a former political hack, he is poised to become even more of a Republican puppet on the court than the current slate of Republican hackjobs on SCOTUS. It is a good point he is making.
12:30: Whitehouse just told Kavanaugh to his face that Kavanaugh's answer to the senators' questions are going to be literal bullshit, noting that Kavanaugh himself has coached nominees before on how to blow smoke up senators' asses. These Dems came to PLAY today!
12:33: Ted Cruz says he and Heidi are really good friends with Brett Kavanaugh and his wife, and now they are smiling at each other all googly-eyed.
The fact of Kavanaugh's friendship with Cruz alone disqualifies him from a position on the court, because anybody who would be friends with Ted Cruz is obviously a gnarly-ass human being. That is just gross, YOUR HONOR.
12:39: Everybody drink! Ted Cruz just said "Hillary Clinton" and "five unelected lawyers" and "liberal agenda" all in the same shitfaced rant, which means you get to drink THREE SHOTS.
12:41: Ted Cruz says the Gorsuch nomination and the Kavanaugh nomination have a "super-legitimacy" because the American people voted SO OVERWHELMINGLY in 2016 for Trump to be able to put fascists on the Supreme Court. In Ted Cruz's reading, losing the popular vote by three million and squeaking into office thanks to Russia, James Comey, and a handful of idiots in the Rust Belt is the definition of OVERWHELMINGLY.
12:47: Time for a 30 minute break! Chuck Grassley said it is time for a break, and Brett Kavanaugh started to stand up, which led Grassley to shout "WAIT A MINUTE!" and bang his gavel hard! Uh oh, Brett Kavanaugh, you broked the rules!
Grassley then said that Neil Gorsuch was ten minutes late when they took a break during his hearing, so please don't be a common fuckhead like Neil Gorsuch.
Do not interpret any of this to mean Chuck Grassley is not madly in love with Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, because he is.
1:19: And we are back! Chuck Grassley is VERY GRRR ARGH that Sheldon Whitehouse spent all that time calling the Republican justices on the Supreme Court a bunch of bought and paid for hooooooooors.
1:26: Amy Klobuchar would like to begin by stating for the record that this entire charade is bullllllshit.
1:28: Klobuchar also notes that there is an ongoing investigation into whether the illegitimate president who nominated Kavanaugh helped Russia steal the election. Also, everybody around Trump has pleaded guilty, is under indictment, or is looking over his shoulder like a common Donald Trump Jr., just waiting for the feds to stop by. So yeah, THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
1:38: Awwwww, there was a cute moment of bipartisan banter between Amy Klobuchar and Ben Sasse!
Now Ben Sasse gets to take over and tell us why it's OK for us to put a fascist who believes the president should be emperor for life (as long as he is a Republican) on the Supreme Court.
1:47: Ben Sasse has been going on for 10 minutes now about how Congress has decided to "self-neuter" itself, and he is just having a REALLY GOOD TIME listening to himself talk.
1:51: Even Kavanaugh is bored AF with Sasse's monologue.
1:52: Sasse says Brett Kavanaugh DOES NOT hate women or children, and that he DOES NOT "lust after dirty water and stinky air."
Hmmmmmmm, maybe we would know if Kavanaugh hates ladies and wants to eat babies and is filled with lust boners for stinky air if we could see THE DOCUMENTS!
1:54: CHRIS COONS: We've heard you're just a real nice dad and a total carpooler and you even coach youth basketball. I literally could not give less of a fuck about that! We're kind of talking about a lifetime Supreme Court appointment here, and the last time we had a legitimate nominee, his name was MERRICK FUCKING GARLAND.
1:57: COONS: Mr. Kavanaugh, you've literally been somewhere near every crime the GOP has committed the past 20 years. This leads me to wonder if MAYBE you should GTFO right now.
Also you do indeed seem to hate women and gays and probably puppies, and then there is that weird thing about how you think Republican presidents shouldn't even have to answer to God. Hell, Donald Trump probably only picked you in order to protect his own ass. It's amazing that you suck so hard, but not particularly surprising.
2:07: Hooray, it is time for Jeff Flake to completely #Resist Donald Trump by giving Trump's SCOTUS nominee a very public rimjob!
Jeff Flake says Brett Kavanaugh should be on the Supreme Court because he likes football and ran some marathons and has daughters and also the other moms and dads on Kavanaugh's youth sports teams say he's just great. Told you it was gonna be a public rimjob.
2:13: Flake, to his credit, is talking about Trump's really fucked up tweets about how the Justice Department shouldn't be allowed to investigate Republicans, so maybe he will ask some real questions when the time comes (before he dutifully votes to confirm Kavanaugh).
2:20: HEY-O, DRINK! Richard Blumenthal just called Trump an "unindicted co-conspirator" and said confirming Kavanaugh is tantamount to Trump "selecting his own judge." Kavanaugh just sitting there like "is that bad?"
2:23: Hahahahahaha, Blumenthal just motioned to adjourn again, after explaining that the GOP is fulllllllll of shit when it says it's read all these new documents. And now he's teaching Chuck Grassley the rules of Senate, How Does It Work?
2:28: John Cornyn interrupts to whine about Dick Blumenthal talking too long.
Chuck Grassley says if Chuck Grassley was a good chairman, he would have told all the other senators to stick to the 10-minute rule, but alas, Chuck Grassley is a bad chairman, and now he can't make other senators stick to the time rule because the first rule of Senate Judiciary Committee is that everything has to be Even Steven.
Can we just skip to the part where Kamala Harris slices Kavanaugh's dick off and throws it at Ted Cruz's face? (We think that will be Thursday probably.)
2:45: Oh hi, we are back! We took a break without telling you, because we are crafty like that! Anyway, you didn't miss much. John Kennedy of Louisiana did that weird dumb yokel thing he does where he rattles off a buncha folksy shit that's supposed to mean something but really does.
Now Mazie Hirono is talking and she's giving a preview of how she's going to kick Kavanaugh's ass when it's Q & A time.
2:52: HIRONO: Trump selected Brett Kavanaugh because he is the BIGGEST GOP HOOOOOOOOOR OF ALL!
[Hirono proceeds to list all the hoooooooring Kavanaugh has done.]
2:56: Hirono concludes by saying she will use her questioning time to show America what a piece of shit Brett Kavanaugh is, and America is gonna LIKE IT.
2:57: Just kidding, she wasn't all the way done yet. She actually concluded by reaffirming that if Kavanaugh thinks he's such hot shit, GIVE US THE FUCKING DOCUMENTS.
2:59: One of the Republicans' favorite catchphrases in this hearing is going to be that NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND is questioning whether Kavanaugh is qualified to be on the Court. This catchphrase is, quite simply, bullshit. Also, y'all remember that poll above? America Does Not Want.
3:05: Republicans are HIGHLY offended that mean Democrats and the majority of Americans are casting aspersions on the integrity of President Large Hands and his Supreme Court nominee who has a normal-sized forehead!
3:08: Oh thank God, Cory Booker is going to talk now, because this marathon of opening statements has become a real SNOOZER.
Unfortunately we are going to start with a tender moment where Chuck Grassley and Cory Booker explain that they are all pals on that committee and that they do bipartisan reach-arounds all the time.
Cory Booker's point, of course, is to appeal to Grassley's sense of friendship and kindness, and GIVE US THE FUCKING DOCUMENTS GODDAMMIT.
3:23: Cory Booker is still going, and he's doing VERY WELL. He's going chapter and verse through where we are as a nation, still without the answers to how we were attacked on 11/9 by a hostile foreign power, and how much the current occupant of the White House aided and abetted that attack. And he's talking about the very real effects of shithole SCOTUS decisions like the kind Brett Kavanaugh would write. We are going to find you a video when it is up, because it is the most powerful statement we've heard today against Pockmarks McBadSkin sitting there with his hands folded like a a petulant little shit monster.
GRASSLEY: Senator Booker?
BOOKER: I'M NOT DONE.
GRASSLEY: Go on, then! As I have admitted today, I am bad at all of this!
3:34: Thom Tillis follows Cory Booker and says many glowing words about how Brett Kavanaugh just calls balls and strikes all the time, balls and strikes, like if balls and strikes were a lady, Brett Kavanaugh would divorce his wife and marry balls and strikes.
3:38: KAMALA! Let us see how much ass she kicks. (It will be, of course, way more fun when she gets to go after Dipshit like the prosecutor she is.)
Ooh lord, look how much attitude her staffers are throwing in that shot!
3:42: KAMALA: I would think if you were proud of your record, you'd want to show it. I would think if you were really honored to be nominated to SCOTUS, you wouldn't want it to happen through such a fucked up, secretive process. I would think if your forehead insists on being so large, you should leave.
(She didn't even remotely say that last part, we are a liar.)
3:47: Kamala Harris echoes others who say this motherfucker doesn't even have an "ideology." He's just a Republican licker of taints who does whatever's good for Republicans.
How surprising, that a trash president would choose a trash nominee.
3:50: Harris says she doesn't doubt that Kavanaugh is Dad Of The Year and Little League Coach Of The Year and Carpooler Of The Year, but THAT'S NOT WHAT HE'S AUDITIONING FOR YOU FUCKING MORONS.
3:52: HARRIS: "I'm concerned that your loyalty would be to the president who appointed you, and not to the Constitution of the United States."
Well damn! That's about it in a nutshell!
Now Lindsey Graham is here to talk to us, probably about how he's a fucking piece of shit.
3:54: Lindsey Graham is talking about Hillary Clinton and saying SHE is the one who plays politics with Roe v. Wade, because, like, she wants to protect women's rights and stuff, LOCK HER UP.
3:59: Graham's point is that all of the things Democrats say about how Trump probably picked this asshole to overthrow Roe, give all the newborn babies guns and, oh yeah, also just to protect Trump, are probably true, and that YOU are a hypocrite if you say otherwise.
Guess Trump showed Lindsey another kompromat tape last time they played golf.
4:01: This is what Brett Kavanaugh looks like when he grabs the Purel.
Presumably this is also what he looks like when he grabs the pleasure lube and the ketchup bottle, which may be the same thing for this guy.
Of course, we can't know for sure whether or not Brett Kavanaugh uses ketchup as pleasure lube if they won't GIVE US THE FUCKING DOCUMENTS.
4:04: Well! This has been quite a day!
All the opening statements are done now, and they are taking a quick breaksie. After that, Kavanaugh will be officially introduced, and he will say his opening statement, which is all lies and bullshit, and he'll be put under oath.
Tomorrow, THE MADNESS BEGINS.
But yeah, anyway, we just made a joke about the SCOTUS nominee using ketchup as sex lube, and we think that's a good place to close up this liveblog. TIP YOUR BARTENDERS, BY WHICH WE MEAN OURSELVES PERSONALLY.
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