Brett Kavanaugh, The Weeping Virgin Saint Of Friendship, Calendars And Dancing With Girls Politely
We are learning a lot about Brett Kavanaugh! Of course, we're not learning anything from the nominee himself, despite how he's doing a LOT of yapping and, on that Fox News interview, a whole lotta BOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO crying. Seriously, did y'all see that? Wonkette isn't some kind of retrograde asshole who thinks boys shouldn't cry, but LOL he cried a lot. (LOL!)
(He also lied a lot.)
Let's review some things we have learned recently about Brett Kavanaugh, which are just true:
- According to his Fox interview (BOO-HOO-HOO) Brett Kavanaugh has never sexually assaulted anyone, not in high school, not in college, and he knows this because he's the world's oldest virgin.
- That's right, Brett Kavanaugh is a virgin. Oh, we assume he's not technically a virgin anymore, but he told Fox News he didn't have "sexual intercourse" or "anything close to it" during high school or for "many years after." This is sad, if true, but it doesn't mean he didn't sexually assault anyone. We can understand how men brought up with misogynistic religious shame ideas about sex might be mistaken about that, though.
- But Kavanaugh didn't sexually assault anyone, either "in high school or otherwise," as he repeated five thousand times during the Fox interview. Dude was coached A LOT.
- Brett Kavanaugh didn't have time for sex because he was far too busy staying at home updating his calendars, which showed every single drunken party he DID NOT ATTEND and DID NOT RAPE AT, because if there's one thing you can say for all private high school boys who are blackout drunks, it's that they're CALENDAR-KEEPING WHOREMONSTERS.
- Speaking of drinking, Brett Kavanaugh told Fox that sure, sometimes the boys in his high school would pop a brewsky, but it was ONLY the seniors, and ONLY once they were 18, which was the drinking age at the time. (Eh ... perhaps not exactly.) This is just true because on top of how they keep meticulous calendars, high school football players from prep schools who go on to join college groups called "Tit and Clit" are also well known for being sticklers about who's old enough yet and who isn't. "Gonna need to see your ID, bro!" That is what high school boys like that say to each other before they Not Rape everybody.
- When asked if he's ever been blackout drunk, Brett Kavanaugh says "no" but he nods "yes." (According to those who knew him in high school and college, his mouth is lying but his nodding is telling the truth.)
In short, Brett Kavanaugh's activities in high school were athletics, going to church every Sunday and "friendship," both with the boys, and with the girls. "Friendship."
Oh hell, we're going to have a full post on the Fox interview, but we'll go ahead and share you this video, where Kavanaugh says much of this, including the part about how he definitely did not letter in gang rape, because he was too busy doing "friendship":
Here's another new thing we learned last night in the New York Times, about a girl whose name appears in Brett Kavanaugh's yearbook, and also the yearbooks of many of Brett Kavanaugh's fellow Georgetown Prep classmates. They all suggest they are "alumni" of that girl, or, in Brett Kavanaugh's case, an "alumnius," because Brett Kavanaugh was obviously just real good at Latin, like all guys who eventually end up on SCOTUS are. Kavanaugh's pal Mark Judge, who refuses to testify for Congress, also refers to himself as "Renate alumni," and there is even a picture of nine guys in their football uniforms in the yearbook, including Kavanaugh and Judge, that is literally captioned "Renate alumni."
The New York Times found the woman, whose name is Renate Schroeder Dolphin, and who signed that original letter from 65 women about how Brett Kavanaugh is such a swell guy he didn't even rape them once. She didn't know she was such a star of the yearbook, but now she does, because Brett Kavanaugh refuses to pull out. She seems quite hurt by this new information.
Kavanaugh's lawyer says the reference alludes to this one time Kavanaugh and Schroeder shared a "brief kiss good night" after an event, but fails to mention whether they shared a soda pop or a walk on the promenade. Schroeder says actually she and Brett Kavanaugh never did anything together, so, big surprise, there's another Kavanaugh lie.
Here's what one of Kavanaugh's classmates says about the "Renate" references:
"They were very disrespectful, at least verbally, with Renate," said Sean Hagan, a Georgetown Prep student at the time, referring to Judge Kavanaugh and his teammates. "I can't express how disgusted I am with them, then and now."
Here is what several others say about the "Renate" references:
The statement, issued by Jim McCarthy, a public-relations representative, said the yearbook's "Renate" references "were intended to allude to innocent dates or dance partners and were generally known within the community of people involved for over 35 years."
Kavanaugh's yearbook also says he survived the "FFFFFFFourth of July," and has references to "Devil's Triangle" and "100 Kegs or Bust" and somebody named Maureen, who was a "tainted whack."
In Mark Judge's yearbook, along with "Renate alumni," there are references to "Kay's legs" and "Glazed Donut" and "New Year's Eve at Beccy's," as well as the "FFFFFourth of July." (We don't know how many F's that's actually supposed to have, as Judge's and Kavanaugh's yearbooks disagree on the spellings. Michael Avenatti has an idea, though.)
Oh, and of course, the two boys ask each other, in their respective yearbook entries, if they have "boofed" yet, which means putting drugs in your butt so they get to your bloodstream faster.
To be clear, all of these are inside jokes, and some might be more innocent than others. Obviously some are about heavy drinking. Others are clearly inside jokes about conquests with girls, real or imagined, boastful lies or things that TOTALLY DID TOO HAPPEN, SHE WAS SO INTO ME, BRO! But exactly ZERO of them are inside jokes about how 14 boys from Brett Kavanaugh's high school class all respectfully asked a girl named Renate to dance with them and kept a full ruler's length between them at all times, for the sake of propriety.
THOSE KINDS OF INSIDE JOKES DON'T MAKE IT INTO THE YEARBOOK, because they're NOT JOKES.
This is such bullshit. But it's not just bullshit, it's silly and laughable bullshit, a fact confirmable by literally anyone who has ever been a teenage boy, especially one who went to a private high school. (*Raises hand* PRESENT!) And it's especially confirmable by men who went to private boys' schools.
We're not saying all these boys were rapists, or that Brett Kavanaugh was. (We're not saying he wasn't either.) But we are saying that, just as we explained in our post about the similarities between Kavanaugh and that other preppy boarding school loser fuckup Donald Trump Jr., everything we know about Kavanaugh and his crew of high school douchebags suggests to us, based on our familiarity with these sorts of guys, that there is nothing about the allegations about Kavanaugh that is in any way surprising. In other words, if there are going to be rape and sexual assault allegations, this is exactly the social circle where you'd expect to find them.
And if some of these guys were rapists, these yearbook entries are a good place to start looking for breadcrumbs of evidence.
Christ, the guy went on to Yale and joined a fraternity with the charming slogan "Yes means no, no means anal," and also a secret society known as "Tit and clit." He didn't exactly hide that he was a misogynistic asshole. (Hell, his college roommate confirms that Kavanaugh was an "aggressive" drunk and says AYUP, he's not surprised by the allegation from Yale classmate Debbie Ramirez at all.)
And now he, tearfully and regretfully, wants to be your next Supreme Court justice, so he can control ALL the lady parts.
Because he's such a perfect fucking angel, with his calendars and the way he insisted on dancing a foot apart from the girls, because he was known for his FRIENDSHIP, with the boys and also with the girls.
Or maybe fucker's full of shit and the women are all telling the truth and it's time for dude to GTFO and just be glad he hasn't been impeached from his current seat on the federal bench.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!
Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Click if you want us to live FOREVER.