Sorry, Republicans: We're Never NOT Going To Call Drunk-Ass O'Kavanaugh A Credibly Accused Sexual Predator

Wonkers, we have to be honest with you about how we are feeling today, and it is that we are so angry and heartbroken we are shaking. (Also we are not as friendly as Dok, because GRRRRRRR.) We watched all morning as Senate Judiciary Republicans tried to ram through a vote for likely attempted rapist Brett Kavanaugh, decidedly without America's consent, before Jeff Flake pulled a Jeff Flake and changed his mind for the seventieth goddamn time and decided the vote should be suddenly delayed and that the FBI should investigate. (And good! That should happen, and it seems Senator Chris Coons deserves credit for convincing Flake to try to be a little bit less of a monster for five minutes.) Meanwhile, some Democratic senators, like Kamala Harris and Mazie Hirono, just fucking cold walked out of the meeting this morning, because fuck these old white men, let's go do some work. Other Democrats, like Sheldon Whitehouse and Amy Klobuchar and Cory Booker, stayed to speak, and they were obviously angry and heartbroken and shaking the same way we are right now.

Republicans like Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham and Chuck Grassley sat there with their trademark shit-eating smirks, pretending they care about Christine Blasey Ford, as if they believe one word she said in her historic testimony. Oh, they say they believe something happened to her. They just think she, a PhD BRAIN SCIENTIST, is so fucking stupid she's probably "mixed up" about who tried to rape her. In other words, they believe she's a woman who doesn't deserve to be taken seriously.

During yesterday's hearing, Rachel Mitchell, the special "female assistant" the GOP called in to prosecute Dr. Blasey's claims and make her feel bad, accidentally did some good work while questioning Brett Kavanaugh. She found a date on his calendar, July 1, when Kavanaugh wrote that he did this:

As soon as Mitchell tried to ask Kavanaugh about this date, Lindsey Graham swooped in for a goddamned eyes-bugging-out-of-his-head temper tantrum, and Mitchell was left to play Scrabble on Facebook the rest of the hearing, her services no longer deemed necessary. (A-S-S-A-U-L-T. Hooray, all seven letters!!!!!)

According to the calendar, on July 1, Kavanaugh went to see "Tobin" so he could do his iron pumping, and then it was time for "skis" at "Timmy's." Though Kavanaugh swore up and down that he never drank during the week and that he was far too busy doing service projects like walking old ladies across the street to the Humane Society so they could cuddle kittens together, it appears that here he was, on a Thursday, having what he acknowledged were BREW-skis. He was going with (Mark) Judge and a host of others. From the transcript:

It's Tim Gaudette, Mark Judge, Tom Kaine, PJ Smyth, Bernie McCarthy, Chris Garrett.

Oh, HUH. According to Christine Blasey Ford's recollection, she went to a gathering at somebody's house that included Judge, Kavanaugh, PJ Smyth, a guy whose name she can't recall, and also her friend Leland Ingham Keyser. This isn't an exact overlap, but it's an overlap. Maybe a couple of the guys came over after she escaped. Maybe she forgot a couple of folks who were in attendance. (It's worth pointing out that the last guy mentioned is the guy Dr. Blasey testified was her intro into this friend group.)

But here Brett Kavanaugh is, with a certain cohort Dr. Blasey mentioned, on a weeknight, presumably getting shitfaced.

We would also note that if Kavanaugh and Judge did try to rape Christine Blasey Ford, Kavanaugh might have decided against noting that with his crayons on his calendar, despite his professed love for calendars. We are just saying.

We would also ALSO note that Dr. Blasey testified that she ran into Mark Judge six or eight weeks after the assault, at the Safeway where he worked, and he went white in the face upon seeing her. It would be interesting to see Mark Judge put under oath to answer some questions about this, because WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE. Truly, if our best friend was really being falsely accused of being a gigantic rapist or sexual assaulter, we would be first in line to testify and say it wasn't true. The fact that he's not tells us something. (Late breaking news: Judge's lawyer says he'll cooperate with an investigation, as long as it's "confidentially," according to MSNBC.)

Hell, the entire hearing told us something, which is that Brett Kavanaugh is a man who reflexively lies about things large and small, both serious and completely dumbfuck. (We knew he was pretty good at lying about the big stuff from his confirmation hearing.)

Kavanaugh (BEERS!) swore up and (BEERS!) down that he never ever (BEERS!) drank (SO MANY BEERS, HE LOVES BEERS!) to excess, while his bad skin and his ex-classmates' statements say otherwise. (Did he mention he really enjoys BEERS?) After Kavanaugh's testimony, yet another woman came forward last night, not to accuse him of sexual assault, but because she was tired of watching him lie to the Senate Judiciary Committee about his drinking. Her name is Lynne Brookes, she is a Republican, and up to now she was supporting Kavanaugh's nomination.

When asked about the juvenile shitwords in his yearbook, Kavanaugh lied and lied and lied, including about things that don't even fucking matter. He swore that "boofing" referred to POOTS, because all good friends ask each other if they've pooted yet in their yearbooks. He said the reference to being in the "Ralph Club," an obvious reference to getting shitfaced and throwing up, was a common hilarious joke about his weak stomach, and cited as evidence the fact that he eats pasta with ketchup, because that's what people with weak stomachs do.

He lied about what it meant that he was a "Renate alumnius," or as the other 13 football guys in the unofficial group at Georgetown Prep spelled it correctly, "Renate Alumni," saying all those guys got together for a group picture because they just ADMIRED Renate Schroeder (now Dolphin), because when you admire somebody you call yourself an "alumnius" of them. (Dolphin got it. It really hurt her feelings when she found out last week.) Kavanaugh was so shameless in his lying that he tried to shame Democrats yesterday for somehow smearing his "friend" Renate. It was disgusting.

Brett Kavanaugh is disgusting.

And there are three credible accusations from three women about Brett Kavanaugh participating in misconduct ranging from sexual assault to literally participating in gang rapes, and until somebody gives us a reason to think otherwise, we believe the women. Christine Blasey Ford is 100% sure Brett Kavanaugh was the one who tried to rape her, so we're just gonna stick with that percentage. She's not the proven liar in this situation.

During yesterday's hearing, Brett Kavanaugh cried and cried like a weak-assed little piece of shit as he tried to defend his nonexistent "good name," but he didn't cry the cries of a falsely accused man. He cried the cries of a privileged, straight, white man who thinks he's entitled to whatever he wants in life, and is used to getting away with it. He may yet end up on the Supreme Court, but that'll be a Pyrrhic victory for him, at best.

The Gospels ask, "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" (Hand to God, we decided to include that Bible verse beforeRepublican Senator John Kennedy used it to project rapey white entitlement and gaslighting all over the Democrats and Christine Blasey Ford's allegations in this morning's Judiciary Committee meeting.) Brett Kavanaugh forfeited his soul long ago, while he was ("allegedly" or whatever) sexually assaulting all those women. Might he gain the whole world? We guess he might get a seat on the Supreme Court, which is quite a thing to gain, if literally everybody in Washington DC doesn't think you're a rapist. Want a Starbucks coffee? Don't be surprised when the barista hears your name "Brett" and writes "Judgey McRapeClown" on your cup. Want to go out for a nice dinner with Ofbrett, assuming she hasn't divorced you by then? Have fun in literally no restaurant ever, because the other diners will see you, and they'll ask to have you removed.

But when it comes to the rest, well, Kavanaugh might be forfeiting quite a lot, along with his shriveled "soul," especially if he is confirmed to the Court. During his whiny-ass opening statement on Thursday, Kavanaugh cried that he might never get to coach young girls' basketball again. Good. We hope he doesn't, and we hope he misses it. Loving parents who pay attention don't want credibly accused sexual predators coaching their girls anyway. He whined in his statement that he might not get to teach at Harvard ever again. Also good.

He might not even be able to take a walk in his neighborhood when children are playing outside. Good. We hope little girls in his neighborhood quickly learn to point at his deformed head and say "stranger danger," because they've been taught by their loving parents who that man (allegedly LOL) is.

Quite frankly, we don't care about his sad fucking white boy tears about any of this.

Maybe an FBI investigation will really happen, and afterward the remaining Republican holdouts, Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins, will march onto the Senate floor and into the history books, and refuse to confirm a man who's probably victimized more people then we'll ever know. Maybe Jeff Flake and a couple others will follow suit.

Maybe they won't. They're Republicans, after all, so we should assume they're amoral monsters until they prove us wrong. (Also, Joe Manchin, get the fuck over yourself.)

Regardless, every Republican senator needs to know a few things. First of all, you have pissed off Americans, especially American women, more than you can imagine. But you'll find out about that on November 6. You should also know that a Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh will forever be tainted as a credibly accused sexual predator, and we'll make sure our children and our children's children know it, because every time the man writes an opinion, our headline will say "Accused Sexual Predator And Illegitimate Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh Writes Thing." If he's confirmed, we'll make mean jokes about how at least Clarence Thomas has a fellow sexual predator to talk to on the Court, because all these women have said they both are sexual predators, each in his own way. Maybe they can put pubes on each other's Cokes.

Oh yeah. That's where this is going. You think we're just going to accept this dude on the Supreme Court? LOL fuck you, we are going to be nasty about this.

And as we take power back, we'll continue to campaign on growing the majorities we need to remove the motherfucker from the Court. When we're done with that, we might decide it's time to get rid of Clarence Thomas too. Who will replace them? We don't know, but we're pretty sure they're going to be black lesbians who are done with this shit.

That seem harsh, Senate Judiciary Republicans? Oh we are very sorry for that, but guess what?


Have a beautiful weekend, everyone, and try not to have so many BEERS you make STINKY BOOFS everywhere, because that is a thing. And this is also your OPEN THREAD.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Click if you want us to live FOREVER.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc