Go-Fund-Me-WALL Guy Brian Kolfage MAYBE Robbed You Bigots Blind
Back in December, when Nancy Pelosi told Donald Trump in words of three syllables or less that he was never, ever getting a WALL, Brian Kolfage stepped forward to offer "illegal"-hating patriots the honor of funding Trump's WALL themselves. All Kolfage asked for in return was every penny these fools contributed.
See, it's now the middle of May and there's still no WALL -- not even a couple bricks and a bag of cement. Kolfage bilked gullible xenophobes for $22 million and counting. That won't build much of a WALL, but he should have more to show for his hard-swindled dollars. The WALL donors, technically known as "marks," dreamed of crying migrant children banging their bleeding hands against a barrier representing cutting-edge Middle Ages technology. Now, they're demanding proof of racist concept.
She's, like, so disappointed. Twitter
We Build The Wall, Inc. is the BS organization Kolfage founded with political hacks and fine citizens such as former Kansas secretary of state Kris Kobach, Blackwater founder Erik Prince, and "Sheriff" David Clarke. We Build The Wall Inc. claimed its "highly experienced team is highly confident that we can complete significant segments of the wall in less time, and for far less money, than the federal government, while meeting or exceeding all required regulatory, engineering, and environmental specifications." These guys couldn't even bother to stage a bogus groundbreaking ceremony. Just buy a shovel and a box of sparkling wine at Costco. You're not faking the moon landing here.
As recently as March, Kolfage claimed We Build The Wall Inc. had identified eight possible locations to start building WALL. He wouldn't say where because liberals might show up and steal the shovels and wine. Also, the locations probably didn't exist.
KOLFAGE: I wish I could name where [the spots are], but we can't name [them] because of the ACLU, these other liberal groups who want to sue us and impede our progress. But it's actually happening, the process is happening . . . the project is moving forward.
Yeah, so, nothing is actually happening. There is no process, and the project is not going anywhere. Trump at least put forth some piddling effort to deliver WALL. He even held federal employees hostage for a while. It was a whole thing. Kolfage can only get saucy on Twitter about the recent articles detailing his corruption.
Kolfage tried to distract us from the actual point by revealing he eats gross microwave popcorn. (You have a pot and some oil in the house. You're better than this.) This didn't work. The "idiot" reporter responded with reality-laced facts.
Kolfage's only real retort here was basically "nuh-uh."
Definite dates and promises can prove embarrassing. He should just stick with "soon-ish." Columnist Grant Stern reported that an anonymous Republican points out Kolfage recently bought a yacht. Kolfage denies this and says everyone's a dumb ass.
Kolfage now claims he's working with "a major news network" on a "show and tell" that'll be the Al Capone's vault of WALL construction. He asks that only "credible journalists" reach out to his communications director Jennifer L. Lawrence. Lawrence used to work for Breitbart so she even lacks the credibility to talk to herself about the project.
We Build The Wall Inc. donors were so blinded by their bigotry that they didn't pay much attention to Kolfage's history, most of which is shady AF. He trafficked in conspiracy theories and hoaxes on Facebook until he was banned. And getting kicked off Facebook for bogus content is like being thrown out of a biker bar for a dress code violation. Kolfage also collected $16,246 for veterans through GoFundMe. It was a uniquely restricted campaign with all proceeds going directly to Kolfage himself. This was in 2015, so trusting him with your money in 2019 is as stupid as entering into business arrangements with Satan. They each have an easily Googled reputation.
We don't relish the fact that Kolfage is not a standup guy. He's an Air Force veteran who lost three limbs in Iraq. We'd give a middle finger to our country before we'd give a limb. So we respect the hell out of the troops who willingly sacrifice their bodies and lives. But seriously, Kolfage is the worst.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).