Brian Schweitzer Is Living Proof That Being A Democrat Is Not A Shield Against Being Dumb
We hadn't really thought much about Brian Schweitzer, the Democratic ex-governor of Montana, since 2012, when he was saying dumb things about Mitt Romney and Mormons. But now Schweitzer is somehow being talked about as a legitimate possibility for a 2016 Democratic ticket run, so now everyone has to ooh and ahh over how edgy and unfettered he is. The National Journal stuck some poor lady with having to spend quality time with Schweitzer up in Big Sky Country (guns! chainsaws! snowmobiles!) so that he could just be an unending gaffe machine. But not a cool funny gaffe machine like Joe Biden. More like your relative from hell that think's he's hilarious, especially after a few drinks, but is just plain stupid.
First, we have to hear him congratulate himself on basically being a walking talking #slatepitch.
"You're gonna find out that — not on very many issues — but on these issues, I sound more like Rand Paul than I do Harry Reid," Schweitzer says. We are sitting in the living room of his light-filled house. Behind him in a giant antique display cabinet are moccasins and headdresses -- one of which he will place on my head before I can protest -- given to him by one of Montana's Native American tribes.
We really didn't need to include the headdress part in that quote, but trust us when we say it is indicative of the entire article. Anyway, of course the big issue that Schweitzer is a Big Independent Rand Paul Thinker on is NSA metadata collection overreach -- he's against it! -- which he seems to think is some really unique and daring perspective as opposed to something that plenty of people think and will talk about without even the slightest prodding.
In order to really get Schweitzer sounding maximum weird, you need only let him talk about other human beings. Here he is on Dianne Feinstein.
This was the week that Sen. Dianne Feinstein took to the Senate floor to accuse the CIA of spying on congressional staffers investigating the agency's treatment of terrorism suspects under the Bush administration. Schweitzer is incredulous that Feinstein -- considered by her critics to be too close to the intelligence community -- was now criticizing the agency. "She was the woman who was standing under the streetlight with her dress pulled all the way up over her knees, and now she says, 'I'm a nun,' when it comes to this spying!" he says. Then, he adds, quickly, "I mean, maybe that's the wrong metaphor -- but she was all in!"
Yeah, that's pretty much exactly the wrong metaphor, dude. We realize you're sort of a devil-may-care no-holds-barred sort of dude, but seriously. Would you like to hear what he thinks about Eric Cantor?
"Don't hold this against me, but I'm going to blurt it out. How do I say this ... men in the South, they are a little effeminate," he offered when I mentioned [Cantor's defeat]. When I asked him what he meant, he added, "They just have effeminate mannerisms. If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw Eric Cantor talking, I would say -- and I'm fine with gay people, that's all right -- but my gaydar is 60-70 percent. But he's not, I think, so I don't know. Again, I couldn't care less. I'm accepting.")
OK then, It's going to take a while to unpack this. First, are you sure you're super accepting, Brian Schweitzer, given that out of nowhere you needed to talk about how Cantor seems kinda sorta gay, though you think he maybe isn't, but whatevs, you're cool with it? Because that is not actually how "accepting" usually sounds. Second, and perhaps most importantly, who the hell ranks their gaydar and gives it a percentage score? Like, does he sit in the bar and declare the sexualities of any given group of ten people, and he's usually right six or seven times? What does he do if he meets bisexuals? Does that break the gaydar, or is he extra good at spotting them? Also, dude, if your logic is "I see effeminate guys and I think they're probably gay" that is not actually gaydar. That's just being a bigot.
Here endeth our disquisition on Brian Schweitzer. However, please clip and save this post so that next time when someone tells you that we never criticize Democrats, you can wave this at their face. Thank you.