Hi babies! Let's get it going, Myrtle Beach style. Hey, that's Kayton Dawson! He's the head of the South Carolina GOP. And where's that other bigshot, the S.C. state treasurer and Rudy co-chairman who got busted running a massive cocaine trafficking operation?

9:02 PM -- And here's Calvin Gilmore to sing the national anthem with a bunch of telemarketers. Calvin Gilmore ain't exactly Merle Haggard, is he? He's not even Alan Jackson.

9:03 PM -- That version of that song just made me hate my country all over again.

9:03 PM -- Fred, Mitt, Walnuts, Huckabee, Rudy, and RON PAUL GO RON PAUL.

9:04 PM -- The format is that everybody gets to say shit about Ron Paul.

9:06 PM -- "Let's have a little straight talk" says Mumbly Joe, John McCain. Hey wait, that's his slogan.

9:07 PM -- Jesus, nobody remembered to give Walnuts his amphetamines tonight? Wake up, gramps! You can't give everybody a job and run a thousand-year war if you're asleep in your fucking chair again.

9:08 PM -- McCain: "I'm called the sheriff." Also: He is not Sandra Bullock in a hilarious movie romp about a funny hooker or something.

9:11 PM -- Rudy's first answer ... how many words until he says 9/11?

9:11 PM -- (Note what time it is. Coincidence?)

9:12 PM -- This is a slow, quiet, boring debate. Hume claims three thousand people are here, watching this thing. Are they all dead?

9:15 PM -- Ron Paul is here, and he is speaking, but he did not write these words, nor did he approve them. Also, Freedom.

9:16 PM -- Hey, it's Fred Thompson. Back to sleep, Country Bear Lobbyist.

9:17 PM -- Thompson is intolerant of "two-handed economists."

9:19 PM -- Huckabee: If the marriage is traditional, and Reagan is back, we will all have jobs ... wait, what?

9:21 PM -- But he'll even help the single mom who forget to find the man put the sperm in her top hole.

9:22 PM -- Oh dear lord, McCain is just going to tip over and die right here, in the weakest sleepiest attack on Ted Stevens ever.

9:23 PM -- Mitt, would you still personally kill a non-Mormon fetus, when you are governor of space?

9:23 PM -- Yeah, Fred, you take down that dirty hippie anti-smoker Mike Huckabee! He is a liberal cocksucker. (WILD APPLAUSE, first of the night.) Fred, you can win this.

9:25 PM -- Huckabee: "Thanks for noticing how I've kicked your old, lazy ass right out of this race."

9:29 PM -- Rudy Giuliani's new "9/11" is "Ronald Reagan." He just said "Ronald Reagan" fifteen times in a row! Awesome.

9:29 PM -- Finally, Ron Paul will embrace the 9/11 truthers. Or not. He doesn't endorse anything they say. But he will not ask them to stop talking about Controlled Demolition, or wait, he would, because it hurts his campaign when the Truthers talk about the Truth. "Can I please take part in this debate?" (WILD APPLAUSE.)

9:31 PM -- Two applause points all night long so far. One for Fred "Huckabee's a queer" Thompson, and one for Ron "Don Knotts" Paul. Dennis Kucinich could be the Democratic nominee this year and win handily.

9:32 PM -- Commercial break! Finally! Refill your beverage and we'll meet up here again in a few, or not.

9:35 PM -- Wait, wait, what the hell? Just got back to the computer and teevee and Huckabee is threatening us all with the "Gates of Hell." Let's start a new thread!


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