British Rag 'Daily Mail' Shocked To Discover Human Women Have Limbs
The Daily Mail rocked the internet today with a front page heralding the exciting discovery of two mysterious long, skin-covered appendages protruding from the torsos of both UK Prime Minister Theresa May and Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. According to evolutionary scientists, said appendages are called "legs," and are a vestigial trait from the time when humans had to "walk" in order to get anywhere, rather than float from room to room as we do now. Some early humans were also known to attach wheels to the bottom portion of these legs (known as "feet") in order to get places faster.
Opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn was quick to comment on the sexism of highlighting women with legs.
Corbyn, too, is a leg-haver, which no one ever seems to bring up.
It sure is strange how men can get away with going around, having tube-like appendages extending out of their torsos without anyone ever bringing it up -- least of all on the front page of a tabloid!
When asked her opinion on the Mail's cover, May stated, “You would not expect me to comment on what newspapers should or should not put on their front pages.” Which I suppose means they have different policies over there in England, as our own president is usually the first to comment every time one of our newspapers point out his lack of a leg to stand on.
The Mail delved further into the astounding discovery of May's and Sturgeon's aberrant "limbs" inside the paper. The sub-heading of one article even read “Finest weapons at their command? Those pins!” -- a clear reference to the erroneous and outdated assumption that legs-havers go around kicking people all day. Another column, by Sarah Vine, suggested that perhaps Sturgeon was attempting to sex up May, or someone, with her wanton leg-crossing, described as being “altogether more flirty, tantalisingly crossed … a direct attempt at seduction.”
In response to criticism that their cover and subsequent articles were sexist, outmoded and offensive to leg-havers everywhere, the Mail released a statement assuring detractors that they cover more than leg-related political issues, and encouraging them to "Get a life!"
“For goodness sake, get a life! Sarah Vine’s piece, which was flagged as light-hearted, was a side-bar alongside a serious political story. It appeared in an 84-page paper packed with important news and analysis, a front-page exclusive on cost-cutting in the NHS and a health supplement devoted to women’s health issues.
“For the record, the Mail was the paper which, more than any other, backed Theresa May for the top job. Again for the record, we often comment on the appearance of male politicians including Cameron’s waistline, Osborne’s hair, Corbyn’s clothes – and even Boris’s legs. Is there a rule that says political coverage must be dull or has a po-faced BBC and leftwing commentariat, so obsessed by the Daily Mail, lost all sense of humour … and proportion?”
If Theresa May and Nicola Sturgeon have legs, that is just fine with the Daily Mail, so long as when they comment on them, everyone collectively goes "OH! Good one! You are very funny and clever! And you did a PUN!" Because they are not delicate snowflakes like all those Society For The Protection of Human Persons With Legs types out there who need to have their feelings protected. Perhaps we all need to take a lesson here and realize that instead of coddling the feelings of women leg-havers, we ought to be coddling the feelings of people who think they are funny but in fact are not.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse