Bunch Of Goddamn Lunatics Walking Around Saying They're The President's Lawyers
It was another wildass weekend in Rudyland, full of legal dropkicks, staff shakeups, Hugo Chavez and micropenises. That last one was courtesy of Trump campaign lawyer Jenna Ellis.
Because the president's lawyer is one classy broad. She and Jesus are, like, BFFs, and don't you forget it!
Frank Luntz had noted that Ellis had been a bit wide of the mark when she predicted victory in the Pennsylvania case after Rudy Giuliani charmed the robes off US District Judge Matthew Brann, tweeting, "You media morons are all laughing at @RudyGiuliani, but he appears to have already established a great rapport with the judge, who is currently offering recommendations on martini bars for Team Trump in open court."
Indeed, we were all laughing at Roodle Doodle, because his appearance in court on Tuesday was inexpressibly, cringingly terrible. Which is why Judge Brann dropkicked it and dismissed the case with prejudice on Saturday night.
Hizzoner was not bloody impressed with the quality of lawyering or the merits of the suit itself, which he described as a "Frankenstein's Monster [that] has been haphazardly stitched together from two distinct theories in an attempt to avoid controlling precedent."
One might expect that when seeking such a startling outcome, a plaintiff would come formidably armed with compelling legal arguments and factual proof of rampant corruption, such that this Court would have no option but to regrettably grant the proposed injunctive relief despite the impact it would have on such a large group of citizens. That has not happened. Instead, this Court has been presented with strained legal arguments without merit and speculative accusations, unpled in the operative complaint and unsupported by evidence. In the United States of America, this cannot justify the disenfranchisement of a single voter, let alone all the voters of its sixth most populated state.
The Trump campaign has already appealed to the Third Circuit, and you will be shocked, shocked to learn that the latest filing is also a piece of crap. But to understand just how gobsmackingly shite this appeal is requires a brief lesson in federal civil procedure. Which is why you send us the Wonkbucks!
In federal court, the plaintiff is entitled to amend her complaint once, but after that, she needs the court's blessing for further revisions. In this case, the original complaint alleged a whole bunch of gobbledygook about Trump's poll watchers being excluded from the vote count in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. (They weren't excluded.) But when the Third Circuit ruled that candidates lack standing to sue the state to enforce election law, the campaign's competent (but evil) local counsel "used up" that mulligan on a revision complying with the Third Circuit ruling — that is, she took out the stuff about the poll watchers.
After which Giuliani pitched a fit, then marched into court and demanded to file a new brief putting back all the gobbledygook, seemingly unaware that he'd need the judge to sign his permission slip. In fact, he continued to behave as if all the nonsense from the first brief was still part of the official complaint, attempting to introduce photos of the canvass into evidence during Tuesday's hearing on the motion to dismiss. Which the court indulged, because shouting, "OMG, you can't introduce evidence now, you great, farting turnip!" is just rude.
So Judge Brann saved it for his order dismissing the case, in which he denied Rudy's motion to amend the complaint, ruled that the Trump campaign lacked standing, and held that even if the plaintiffs had standing, they failed to state a claim for which there is a legal remedy.
"It is not in the power of this Court to violate the Constitution," he wrote.
After which there was great rejoicing in Trumpland.
"Today's decision turns out to help us in our strategy to get expeditiously to the U.S. Supreme Court," the campaign blarped. That's like saying a chill compartment in the hospital morgue is part of your strategy to get closer to God, but sure, you bet.
On Sunday night, the campaign filed its appeal to the Third Circuit in which it asked not for a re-hearing in the Supreme Court's waiting room, but to be sent back down for another shot at Judge Brann.
Appellants will request that this Court reverse denial of the Motion to Amend and direct the District Court to promptly decide it on the merits and proceed expeditiously to a hearing to enjoin certifying the results of the Presidential Election (or order decertification if already certified) if the Second Amended Complaint (ECF 172-2) is held to state valid claims.
In plain English, they didn't appeal the denial of standing or the ruling that they failed to state a legally cognizable claim. All they want is for the appellate court to tell Judge Brann to let them amend their complaint again. Which is cool and all, except that it (a) won't get them to the Supreme Court, (b) tacitly concedes that they lack standing and so will lose even if they get to amend again, (c) won't stop counties from certifying the results today, and (d) is highly unlikely to happen, since the appeals court would have to find that the trial judge had abused his discretion, and Judge Brann laid out multiple reasons for his denial in the order.
But other than that, A-PLUS LAWYERIN'!
Meanwhile, all was not well back at the Trump campaign. Rudy's leaky head stole the show at Thursday's presser, overshadowing Sidney Powell's batshit nattering about Venezuela and stolen votes. But no one puts Sidney in a corner, so Saturday she gave an interview to Newsmax in which she accused Georgia's Republican Gov. Brian Kemp of getting paid off to use Dominion voting machines to steal the election for Joe Biden and Kelly Loeffler. (Yes, Kelly Loeffler, because obviously Doug Collins actually won.)
Attorney @SidneyPowell1 on @Newsmax this evening: https://t.co/8u1tVwE7Pp— Benny (@Benny) 1606012599.0
And that was apparently the response of the Trump campaign as well, which released a statement Sunday saying that "Sidney Powell is practicing law on her own. She is not a member of the Trump Legal Team. She is also not a lawyer for the President in his personal capacity." As if we wouldn't remember her being described as part of the Elite Strike Force at that wackass presser on Thursday, not to mention Trump tweeting on November 14, "Rudy Giuliani, Joseph DiGenova, Victoria Toensing, Sidney Powell, and Jenna Ellis, a truly great team, added to our other wonderful lawyers and representatives!"
Come on, Sidney Powell, bring us that crazy copy.
The evidence I'm compiling is overwhelming that this software tool was used to shift millions of votes from President Trump and other Republican candidates to Biden and other Democratic candidates. We are proceeding to prepare our lawsuit and plan to file it this week. It will be epic.
We will not allow this great Republic to be stolen by communists from without and within or our votes altered or manipulated by foreign actors in Hong Kong, Iran, Venezuela, or Serbia, for example, who have neither regard for human life nor the people who are the engine of this exceptional country.
#WeThePeople elected Donald Trump and other Republican candidates to restore the vision of America as a place of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You may assist this effort by making a non tax-deductible contribution to www.DefendingTheRepublic.org. #KrakenOnSteroids
Out of the goddamn park! No wonder half of Parler is convinced that this person is about to lead the FBI in the long-promised arrest of all liberals.
It's a short week because of the holiday, but that won't stop the Trump team from getting a full seven-days of crazy in before Wednesday. Buckle up!
[Memorandum Opinion / Emergency Motion for Expedited Review]
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.