Bundy Militia Boys Need Miracle Whip, Tampons, And Those Cakes We Like
And all the fanciest Dijon ketchups.
[contextly_sidebar id="lSjcWALNoP5DUlTJ0nsCuQo5OSZSgt6E"]Time to load up and head to the Walmart, patriots! The Bundy Funday America Freedom Revival Corps needs your help again, like, even more than snacks this time. They've put out a new call for supplies to help them weather their long difficult siege at that federal wildlife refuge in eastern Oregon they took over, seeing as how they didn't pack none too good. See if you can't find it in your heart to send these brave warriors for Liberty something from their latest wish list:
Let us state for the record: for a bunch of rugged survivalists, these dipshits aren't merely bad at packing, they've also got some pretty outrageous requests. Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip? Fan-cee! Guess you need both of those, Mr. La-di-dah fancy militia dude? Did George Washington have both mayo and Miracle Whip at Valley Forge? He. Did. Not. Also, what the hell is a "John Radios Ham"? A ham radio you only use in the biffy? And those "aprans 4"" -- the hell language is that, anyway? They need a four-inch apron for Dyslexia Barbie?
[contextly_sidebar id="rQY9PGZRVr9Qv3zZuyZYMsKufxsGdZEf"]Lord only knows why they're asking for tampons and pads, seeing as how, as several blogs have noted, there don't actually seem to be any womenfolk occupying the wildlife refuge headquarters ... yet. Clearly, the boys plan to be there a while, so it's time for the wives to come on up and join the fun, or at least to be the first targets, as the case may be. Looks like the little ladies insisted if they're going to be human shields, they want panty shields in exchange.
Now, the nice folks over at Addicting Info are suggesting progressive folks help out by sending the militia fellers "more tampons than they will ever use. They can find their own damn coats." So with that need already met, we noticed something maybe Wonkers can help out with, right there in the middle of the second column: "Gaming Supplies." Wouldn't it be a fine gesture of support if we could sent the High Plains Grifters a whole bunch of graph paper and polyhedral dice? Game instructions optional, though you could consider some of the worst Roleplaying Games of all time. Plus, there's the satisfaction of imagining the Soldiers of Misfortunes' faces when they find out they didn't get the kind of RPG they'd been hoping for. Critical hit!
We also see they need eggs, badly. Maybe you could order them some eggs from Guangzhou, to be sent by the slowest possible container ship, so when they arrive, they'll be quite bad indeed.
Or the hell with what they want; simply go shopping from the Greatest American Shopping List of All Time:
You just can't go wrong with cedar cheese.
Every militia dude would love a 2 packs a peace cigs, no?
[contextly_sidebar id="AvjJZrWk7u0YQAj6ZJqTGaoapggojHE9"]So go load up those carts, shoppers. Just stay away from the racist whitey-hatin' Sam's Club or the gun-grabbers at Target, that's for sure.
You could also forget the whole shopping trip and instead, print out and send the wieners a copy of this article about all the federal benefits our tax dollars provide specifically for ranchers, like subsidized grazing, drought relief funds, firefighting, predator destruction, and removal of wild horses from public land to make more room for moo-cows. One look at that and we bet they'd realize exactly how wrong they've been all this time.
[Gawkertip by Wonkette operative TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner / Addicting Info / Grist]
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.