California Dude Whips Out Snake In Restaurant. No, Like An Actual Non-Penis Snake
Another snake. We don't think anyone stuffed the California one into a toilet.
We talk a lot about Florida Man in this here news business, but our old friend California Man is also pretty impressive when it comes to crazy. So what's the latest in California Man's world? Oh, y'know. Just vengefully unleashing a 13-foot python on the unsuspecting denizens of a sushi restaurant. As per usual.
The trouble started during a meal at Iroha Sushi of Tokyo in Los Angeles, when Hiroshi Motohashi decided to whip out his trouser snakes. Wait, no, that came out wrong -- we mean two literal small snakes he had been secreting somewhere on his person (we're assuming in his pants, because it's a lot more fun that way). When restaurant staff saw actual live reptiles in their dining room, they very understandably asked him to please take the snakes outside. That's when the 46-year-old Motohashi came up with his supervillain revenge scheme. We're guessing he scrawled it in crayon on a napkin and it looked something like this:
1) Unleash giant serpent.
2) Cackle maniacally.
3) Witness my enemies RUE THE DAY as they cower before my anguine death noodle.
So Motohashi returned to the restaurant with a 13-foot Burmese python, shouted "[expletive], you guys," dropped the snake like the world's most floppy nonvenomous mic, and walked out. This went about the way you'd expect it would, as one particularly Californian witness put it:
“Get this thing out! You know, everyone’s like eating so customers are yelling, ‘Get this thing out! Are you crazy,’” waitress Jessie Davaadorj told CBS Los Angeles.
We have a lot of questions, but the one that keeps nagging at us is what exactly was the expletive being bleeped out that news stations feel the need to put a comma after it in the direct quote? Because "fuck, you guys!" makes it look like Motohashi has the weirdest speech impediment we've ever seen.
Sorry. We're sorry. Improper punctuation placement is probably beside the point here.
Anyway, Motohashi, it turns out, was once arrested for dealing in illicit gila monsters, and holy crap are we excited about the fact that we finally got to cross "write actual post using the phrase 'dealing in illicit gila monsters'" off our bucket list.
This time, he's been arrested on suspicion of making criminal threats, probably because California legal code inexplicably does not yet have specific statutes for Assault With a Deadly Python Bivittatus. Time will tell whether a California judge and/or jury decides "but I really, really wanted them to feel my reptilian retribution!" counts as a valid legal defense.