Can Somebody Please Find Trump Idiot Michael Caputo's Pacifier?

Oh boy, the performative bullshit victim complex thing among Trump idiots is fierce right now.

Just last week, Fox News moron Greg Gutfeld told the camera very seriously that he is afraid for his life, because of how he is going to get personally murdered if Joe Biden doesn't become president and all the crazed antifa Democrats will take to the streets to personally murder Greg Gutfeld. Or something. Never mind that most Democrats have zero fucking clue who Greg Gutfeld is, and if you said "One of the white idiots on Fox News," they'd just say "Oh, who can even tell them apart. Is he one of the rapey-looking ones on the morning show?" "No, he's another one." "Oh, who can even tell those people apart."

Point is, Gutfeld WASN'T joking and he WASN'T being hyperbolic, because people told him THERE WILL BE BLOOD if Biden loses. (Projection!) And Greg Gutfeld believes Greg Gutfeld is going to be a casualty of all this, because of how he is very important. (Wishful thinking!)

Now we've got dispatches from Trump administration loser idiot Michael Caputo, the Roger Stone buddy who was all the fuck over the Russia scandal, and who has now failed sideways into a role as the chief spokesliar for Trump's Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), even though he has zero background in "medicine" or "healthcare."

The New York Timesreports on Caputo's (allegedly!) drunk Sunday Facebooking:

"I don't like being alone in Washington," he said, describing "shadows on the ceiling in my apartment, there alone, shadows are so long."

Get a night light, my dude.

He then ran through a series of conspiracy theories, culminating in a prediction that Mr. Trump will win re-election but his Democratic opponent, Joseph R. Biden Jr., will refuse to concede.


"And when Donald Trump refuses to stand down at the inauguration, the shooting will begin," he said. "The drills that you've seen are nothing." He added: "If you carry guns, buy ammunition, ladies and gentlemen, because it's going to be hard to get."

Get a grip!

Mr. Caputo suggested, also without evidence, that the August killing of a Trump supporter in Portland, Ore., by an avowed supporter of the left-wing collective known as antifa was part of a broader left-wing plot to target the administration's supporters.

"Remember the Trump supporter who was shot and killed?" he said. "That was a drill."

Projection again!

He "went down fighting," Mr. Caputo said. "Why? Because he couldn't say what he had inside him." He then spoke of "hit squads being trained all over this country" — a conspiracy theory unsupported by evidence.

Magical thinking!

Mr. Caputo on Sunday complained on Facebook that he was under siege by the media and said that his physical health was in question and his "mental health has definitely failed."

Not gonna disagree about the failed mental health part.

Caputo also said, on Facebook, while presumably checking every five seconds to see if the shadows on his ceiling were still being cast by light coming in windows, or if they were ANTIFA DEMOCRAT BLACK LIVES MATTER MONSTERS, that there is a Deep State cabal inside the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) that is hellbent on "undermining" Trump.

Ummm, "How?" you are asking. Well! Sane people might think it has to do with their commitment to science and refusal to barf out pandemic happytalk for Trump, who admitted back in February to Bob Woodward that he was lying to the American public about how serious COVID-19 was. We could see how fascist-supporting Trump assholes like Caputo might be a little P.O.-ed about that.

But no, it's not that, it is that the CDC is going to murder him!

"You understand that they're going to have to kill me, and unfortunately, I think that's where this is going," Mr. Caputo, a Trump loyalist installed by the White House in April, told followers in a video he hosted live on his personal Facebook page.

Hate it when the CDC murders everybody. Hate it.

So, where did this little meltdown come from? Well, as the Times notes, there was a bunch of reporting this weekend on how Caputo and his mouthbreathing political appointee HHS pals have been manipulating the CDC's actual scientific weekly reports on coronavirus to make them match up with Trump's happy talk and lies.

One Trump idiot in Caputo's department, a guy named Paul Alexander, whom Caputo hired and says is a geeeeenius -- based on Caputo's very scientific understanding of science! -- referred to the CDC's reports as "hit pieces on the administration," which says a hell of a lot more about "the administration" than it does the CDC, if the science facts written by the medical experts at the CDC are in such conflict with the daily garbage bullshit coming out of the White House.

Those reports, deemed "the holiest of the holy" by one former top health official for their international respect and importance, have traditionally been so shielded from political interference that political appointees see them only just before they are published.

It's all stunning reporting, and you should read it, but that appears to be why Caputo is seeing VERY SCARY SHADOWS on his ceiling. He's mad because the news reported on the shit he's pulling.

Here is how the Times piece on Caputo's Facebook meltdown ends:

"To allow people to die so that you can replace the president is a grievous venial sin, venial sin," he said. "And these people are all going to hell."

To date, 194,000 Americans have died of coronavirus, and most of those deaths could have been prevented if the president wasn't a sociopathic lying buffoon shitstain wannabe dictator who thinks of the pandemic as something that happened to him personally, and not as, you know, a pandemic that hit the entire world.

Caputo is likely correct, though, that if there is a supreme sentient deity of any kind out there, somebody's going to hell. Pretty sure it's not the CDC scientists, though.

In summary and in conclusion, fuck your whiny ass, Michael Caputo, and please seek therapy.


[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

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