Can Somebody Please Give Sean Hannity A Pacifier Or A Buttplug, For His Mouth?

His lips are pursed and ready.

Sean Hannity is having a really bad week, everyone. Now, we know, most of his weeks are bad, due to "wakes up every morning as Sean Hannity," but this week has been BAD. Like, is there a dumber, more pathetic person working in the media right now? Probably not. Here is the evidence:

Sean Hannity is the dumbest motherfucker on planet Earth

So by now, we all know Donald Trump just casually suggested that maybe his gun-humping fans might murder Hillary Clinton in the face, to keep her from appointing judges to the Supreme Court. We also know Trump supporters in the public eye just cannot figure out what to say about that, except to agree he didn't mean the thing he said, with his sphincter-esque mouth opening. But the Trump campaign says his comments about "Second Amendment people" were about UNITY, and you know who is there to swallow the bullshit Trump mama-birds into his throat and poop it out the other side? Sean Hannity, of course:

“Speaking of unfair,” Hannity said -- before agreeing with his guest [Trump] that the media is fundamentally “unfair” because they won’t admit they are voting for Clinton in the same way he openly supports Trump — he played the clip of Trump’s Second Amendment comments.

“So, obviously you are saying that there’s a strong political movement within the Second Amendment and if people mobilize and vote they can stop Hillary from having this impact on the court,” Hannity told Trump. “But that’s not how the media is spinning it.”


CLEARLY. After Hannity pooped that out, he turned around and ate it, because on top of being a baby bird for the Trump campaign, he is also like a shit-eating weenie dog, who eats poo.

Want MOAR HANNITY STUPID? OK! So, did you know that, on top of how there is a fake ding-dong website out there that's UNSKEWING THE POLLS to make it look like Trump is winning, there are also people out to "prove" Trump will win because he has more twatters on Twitter and way more pokes on Facebook than Hillary Clinton? These people, oblivious that millions of people follow Trump for simple mockery purposes, ACTUALLY believe that they have stumbled onto some kind of polling science that proves Trump will win. Lovebugs, Sean Hannity is one of those mindfuckingly stupid people:

[For] anyone who’s been disheartened by the post-convention bump for Hillary Clinton, the Gateway Pundit has some uplifting numbers for you:

HAHAHAHAHAHAH yes, please tell us what the Stupidest Man On The Internet says, Sean Hannity, please please please:

The website reports that analysis from the two candidates’ social media accounts could mean Donald Trump will win in a landslide.

Consider the two candidates’ Facebook accounts: Trump has over 10 million “likes” while Hillary has just over 5 million.

How about when the two candidates live stream their events? Trump averages 30,000 live viewers per stream while Clinton receives on average, a measly 500 viewers.

And on Reddit, “Hillary for Prison” has more than double the subscribers (55,000) than the actual Hillary Clinton page does (24,000).

Good story, bro.

Want EVEN MOAR HANNITY STUPID, again, all this coming from the same few days? OK, so Monday night, Hannity got all his viewers jizzing in their Ensure milkshakes with excitement, because he promised he was about to reveal MAJOR, CONTROVERSIAL BOMBSHELL stuff about Khizr and Ghazala Khan, parents of American hero Humayan Khan, who gave his life for the United States. How did that go for him, Huffington Post?

[T]he short segment consisted largely of a compilation of Khan’s recent interviews and a snippet from a decades-old article he wrote.

Hannity, an outspoken Trump supporter, highlighted alleged discrepancies in Khan’s views about Sharia law. In a CNN interview after the Democratic National Convention, Khan, who is Muslim, said “there’s no such thing as Sharia law.” In contrast, Khan wrote an article in 1983 in the Houston Journal of International Law that explained how “Islamic jurists classify the sources of Islamic law,” and that explanation included references to Sharia.

OOH! OOH! That sounds like some journalism right there! Except nah, it's just Hannity The Dumb Dickweasel, bein' dumb.

Sean Hannity melts down like a toddler with diarrhea when it's pointed out that he's the dumbest motherfucker on planet Earth

Did y'all hear the funny story about how one of the editors from the Wall Street Journal, Bret Stephens, called Hannity "Fox News's dumbest anchor"? Stephens is right, probably! Of course, if we included the dipshit "Fox & Friends" couch under the category of "anchor," Hannity might have to battle Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade to the death for the title, but yeah, among anchors he's the dumbest. Megyn Kelly is actually intelligent; Bill O'Reilly is a (ALLEGEDLY!) wife-beater blowhard, but he's smarter than Hannity; Greta Van Susteren gets mad about the internet being slow in space, and is also a Scientologist, but she's also Wonket's pal ... who else is there? Meh, who gives a fuck? Sean Hannity is the stupidest person at Fox, and also the stupidest person in every room he ever enters, even when he's alone.

THE POINT is that Hannity heard about what Bret Stephens said, and oh lordy Jesus, he got on Twitter late at night and LOST IT. On the one hand, he queened out like he was White Girl Wasted. On the other hand, he sounded a lot like his wussy, thin-skinned, oversensitive candidate Donald Trump. Here, enjoy a tirade:

Awwwwwwwwww! He's cute when he's mad, just kidding, he's repulsive and eternally unfuckable.

Bret Stephens's response to this? Epic:

On Thursday evening I opted to give him the benefit of the doubt by writing on Twitter that he was Fox’s “dumbest anchor.” He immediately proved my point by re-tweeting me to his 1.5 million Twitter followers—an audience I could never have reached on my own. Later, on the radio, he called me a “dumba— with his head up his a—,” demonstrating he can’t even swear competently.

Stephens also referred to Hannity's slobbering devotion to Donald Trump as the "love that dares to speak its name," which es muy LOL-lerskates.

If your appetite for poopy fart Twitter rants from Sean Hannity is not sated, you may click here, for he had a tantrum at CNN's Brian Stelter too.

Sean Hannity calls conspiracy theorist Alex Jones on the Obamaphone, to tell him pleasant sex words, ALLEGEDLY

You'd think all the stuff above happening in the space of just a few days would be enough, but no, because verified crazy person Alex Jones told an anecdote on his radio program, about how Sean Hannity called him up and told him he was "good." This was part of a healthy discussion about how Roger Ailes's fall at Fox News is part of the CONSPIRACYYYYYY to elect Hillary. Here is the key thing Jones said:

Hannity, well I’m not going to get Hannity in trouble, but he did reach out to us, he said “great job, we appreciate you, I’m trying my best.” They’re threatening to fire him right now, so he reached out to us and said he appreciates us.


In summary and in conclusion, how stupid is Sean Hannity exactly?

So, so stupid. He respects Donald Trump; He respects Jim Hoft, the stupidest man on the entire internet; and he thinks Alex Jones is doing a "great job." Based on this evidence, and based on his actions this week, Wonkette believes the best course of action would be for Sean Hannity to go drink a lake of farts and get off our television.

[Sean Hannity Show / Huffington Post / The Daily Beast / HuffPo again / Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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