bow before greatness

Readers, it's time for a group project! Camille Paglia, as we all know, is the most insufferably obnoxious writer in the United States of the Entire Universe. As the late great Molly Ivins explained in her seminal piece on Paglia's masturbatory oeuvre, she is a fan of "sweeping generalizations" that always argue from whatever viewpoint she's finding most contrarian that day, and she seems to revel in it. Also, every single thing people do is somehow related to the secret feelings in their penis and vagina regions, and these secret feelings connect all the way back to the Greek gods and OMG THE COSMOS. She's a fucking hack, is what we are saying.

So we came upon her piece today at Salon, which exists at Salon because Salon is a fucking horrible publication. And our entire reaction to it in the Wonkette Secret Chatcave went like this:

So we figured we'd turn this into a contest for you, the gentle readers. Can YOU write dumbstupid, contrarian mumbo jumbo in a self-congratulatory way, rife with sweeping assertions and bizarre psychosexual allusions that make your readers want to back away slowly?

Here, have a few examples from today's column. This is about how Hillary voters are only supporting her because they are desperately searching for a holy queen to worship:

I’m starting to wonder, given the increasing dysfunction of our democratic institutions, if the Hillary cult isn’t perhaps registering an atavistic longing for monarchy. Or perhaps it’s just a neo-pagan reversion to idolatry, as can be felt in the Little Italy street festival scene of The Godfather, Part II, where devout pedestrians pin money to the statue of San Rocco as it is carried by in procession.

You betcha!

And here is where Camille, disturbed by Hillary's coughing, admits that she is not a doctor, decides to diagnose the coughing anyway, and then becomes outraged that Hillary and her people are lying to her about the real reason for Hillary's coughing, which she has just diagnosed, even though she is not a doctor:

I’m just a Ph.D., not an M.D., but I’ll put my Miss Marple hat on here. [...]

My tentative theory is that Hillary may have sporadic flare-ups of goiter, worsened under stress. Coughing is a symptom. High collars mask a swollen throat. In serious cases, an operation may be necessary. Is this chronic thyroid condition disqualifying in a presidential candidate? Certainly not in my view, but I don’t like being lied to—by candidates, campaign staffs, or their media sycophants.

I ... I just ...

Finally, in the Q-and-A section at the bottom of the column, Camille renders the Slate-pitch (Salon-pitch?) of the century. She thinks Leonard Cohen (LEONARD FUCKING COHEN!) sucks and Canadians only love him because he isn't a real man, and they like to beat themselves up and cover their Canadian bodies with whipped cream while they listen to him, oh my god, we don't even ...

Cohen’s version of hip feels like a paralyzing, suffocating stasis. Would a few spoonfuls of syncopation kill him? He clings to words and doesn’t trust music. His verbal overkill parallels the convoluted preciosity of French post-structuralism (he was born in Quebec). [...]

I’ve come to suspect that Canadians, with their vigorous, jut-jawed frontier past, somehow revere Leonard Cohen for his subtle, soothingly baritone erasure of conventional masculinity. It’s all self-flagellation without the inconvenient Catholic baggage. Whipped cream, anyone?

OK, commenters, YOUR TURN. Remember, you need to use BIG WORDS so you can compliment yourself for having a big vocabulary when you read it to yourself while you are masturbating later this evening, and literally everything you write must be chock-full of pervy sexual overtones. Obscure references to French literature are a plus! Can YOU write like Camille Paglia?

The winner will receive a pair of Wonkette's special Vagina Dentata panties, which seem appropriate for a Camille Paglia contest winner, dunno why.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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