Cardi B Losing F**king Mind, Asks F**king Pentagon To Let A Bitch Know When She Can Go Out Again

Nice Time

Rapper Cardi B betook herself to Instagram to complain that she's not enjoying being locked up to avoid coronavirus any more than anyone else. She also pleaded for someone at the fucking Pentagon to get in touch with her and let her know when this will all be over and she can go out on the town again.

Thank goodness we encountered the story at military blog Task & Purpose, which gave the story the professional defense-oriented context it needed.

Although the DoD has been issuing daily updates regarding numbers of infected service members, and holding briefings on how the military is dealing with the spread of the virus, fundamental questions still remain: how long is this damn thing going to last? How bad will it get? Should we be freaking out?

Plenty of experts and non-experts disagree over all of those things, but perhaps there is some top secret document buried deep inside the defense secretary's office that holds the key.

Normally we wouldn't air the grievances of someone who thinks the military is withholding a secret timeline for ending the outbreak, but this is Cardi B and we have no idea how seriously she believes it anyway — probably not much? It's kind of awesome. Fortunately, someone recorded it:

I need to know what's going on. If you work at the fucking Pentagon, let a bitch know. Cuz I need to fucking know, n****. I need to fucking know, n****. I don't know if you could tell, but I'm losing my fucking mind. I wanna get dressed up. I want to put a fucking lace front on. I want to put on my expensive outfits. And I want to go fucking out.

And I can't!

So say we all.

Also, kudos to Task & Purpose for doing its due diligence and checking with official channels.

The Pentagon declined to comment when asked whether they could let a bitch know.

That's almost as funny as the New York Times trying to explain the appeal of remixes of Cardi B's hilarious video rant last week about the virus.

Clad in a transparent chain-link dress, she questioned the Trump administration's response to the pandemic, expounded on the delay in retail items being shipped from overseas and warned her followers to take the threat seriously. In closing, she chuckled a cartoon villain's throaty laugh and moved to the beat of her own voice as she let out an ominous but oddly musical cry: "Coronavirus! Coronavirus! I'm telling you, [expletive] is real! [Expletive] is gettin' real!"

The Instagram video has been remixed into a surreally goofy song, the Coronavirus Remix.

iMarkkeyz - Coronavirus

To be honest, we prefer the unadulterated mock panic of the original, thanks.

Update: Also too, Cardi B and DJ iMarkkeyz, the guy who did the "Coronavirus remix," have pledged to donate the eventual royalties from the song to food pantries and other groups helping people who've lost their jobs because of the crisis.

And now it is your OPEN THREAD.

[Task & Purpose / NYT / Update: MTV]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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