Cartoon Violence Has Got More Chins Than A Chinese Phone Book
Doctors and other killjoys have their scrubs all up in knots because apparently Americans like to eat too much or something. Hey, losers, if you're so worried about that, why don't you go to Darfur, where they don't have delicacies like Cooler Ranch Doritos and KFC Famous Bowls and they just eat, like, Janjaweed or whatever? Which is why they're so hungry? Plus, if Americans suddenly got all skinny, it would put a crimp in the designs of our editorial cartoonists. You could argue that editorial cartooning was born out of fat people -- specifically, Boss Tweed and his comically obese and corrupt Gilded Age compatriots, drawn to ridiculously balloonish proportions by Thomas Nast. If all of America suddenly Jazzercized itself into perfect bodies, then where would the crosshatching classes be? They'd have to focus on the freakishly skeletal, we guess.
But that is a topic for another time! This week, it's the fatties.
How fat is he? Not so much fat as overstuffed. He looks unhappy about the whole scene, as if someone just off-panel is holding him at gunpoint and making him eat that slice. Pizza is delicious, Al! Soda is delicious! I know the cows that made the mozzarella and the corn that sweetened the Coke are responsible for global warming somehow, but try to look like you're enjoying yourself.
Prospects for slimming? If Al doesn't really want to be President, I suppose getting fat is an easier way to avoid it than spending a year of his life alienating everyone by with his condescending personality.
How fat is he? Godzilla-level fat. His enormous, apparently naked body will upend the current natural order of the Republican presidential field, crushing his feeble opponents underfoot.
Prospects for slimming? Why bother? Rudy's svelte physique won't protect him any more than his American flag swimsuit. Thompson already looks kind of simian, so he should just run with the "800 pound gorilla" thing.
How fat is he? Pleasantly plump and deceptively strong. If you're used to carrying around those thighs, apparently you can sling a miniature barrel of oil around your neck like so much sweet light crude bling.
Prospects for slimming? You'd think that he'd end up losing some weight as he trains for the coveted 2008 genocide finals. Wiping whole races off the face of the earth is an activity that really exercises all of the major muscle groups, and burns off calories too!
How fat is he? Again, not fat per se -- this time, more 'roided up. His freakishly huge forearms will allow him to sign the hell out of those books, and then snap Obama's reedy neck with a single squeeze.
Prospects for slimming? Are you kidding? He needs all of his strength and size for the final battle with Fred Thompson. Tokyo may be destroyed in the process, but that is the prices of knowing that we have the most powerful flying fire-breathing beast in the White House.
How fat is he? Actually, he's not looking all that fat. We just wanted an excuse to run this picture again:
Aaaahhh, good times.
Prospects for slimming? Probably the only thing that gets you less exercise than riding on a horse is sitting on a horse that's standing perfectly still. Unless it's some kind of Zen-meditation-cum-dynamic-tension thing.
Oh, hey kids! The Comics Curmudgeon (looking svelte, natch) will be participating in a crazy Internet-themed comedy performance competition thing in New York City the night of June 22! Details are here. Come! Or don't, whatever. I promise I won't talk about political cartoons, though. You couldn't pay me enough to think about this crap more than once a week. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON