Cartoon Violence Has Got More Chins Than A Chinese Phone Book

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

Doctors and other killjoys have their scrubs all up in knots because apparently Americans like to eat too much or something. Hey, losers, if you're so worried about that, why don't you go to Darfur, where they don't have delicacies like Cooler Ranch Doritos and KFC Famous Bowls and they just eat, like, Janjaweed or whatever? Which is why they're so hungry? Plus, if Americans suddenly got all skinny, it would put a crimp in the designs of our editorial cartoonists. You could argue that editorial cartooning was born out of fat people -- specifically, Boss Tweed and his comically obese and corrupt Gilded Age compatriots, drawn to ridiculously balloonish proportions by Thomas Nast. If all of America suddenly Jazzercized itself into perfect bodies, then where would the crosshatching classes be? They'd have to focus on the freakishly skeletal, we guess.

But that is a topic for another time! This week, it's the fatties.

01al.gifWho's looking plump? Al Gore.

How fat is he? Not so much fat as overstuffed. He looks unhappy about the whole scene, as if someone just off-panel is holding him at gunpoint and making him eat that slice. Pizza is delicious, Al! Soda is delicious! I know the cows that made the mozzarella and the corn that sweetened the Coke are responsible for global warming somehow, but try to look like you're enjoying yourself.

Prospects for slimming? If Al doesn't really want to be President, I suppose getting fat is an easier way to avoid it than spending a year of his life alienating everyone by with his condescending personality.

02fre.gifWho's looking plump? Fred Thompson.

How fat is he? Godzilla-level fat. His enormous, apparently naked body will upend the current natural order of the Republican presidential field, crushing his feeble opponents underfoot.

Prospects for slimming? Why bother? Rudy's svelte physique won't protect him any more than his American flag swimsuit. Thompson already looks kind of simian, so he should just run with the "800 pound gorilla" thing.

03chi.gifWho's looking plump? China, as an abstract concept.

How fat is he? Pleasantly plump and deceptively strong. If you're used to carrying around those thighs, apparently you can sling a miniature barrel of oil around your neck like so much sweet light crude bling.

Prospects for slimming? You'd think that he'd end up losing some weight as he trains for the coveted 2008 genocide finals. Wiping whole races off the face of the earth is an activity that really exercises all of the major muscle groups, and burns off calories too!

04al.gifWho's looking plump? Al Gore, again.

How fat is he? Again, not fat per se -- this time, more 'roided up. His freakishly huge forearms will allow him to sign the hell out of those books, and then snap Obama's reedy neck with a single squeeze.

Prospects for slimming? Are you kidding? He needs all of his strength and size for the final battle with Fred Thompson. Tokyo may be destroyed in the process, but that is the prices of knowing that we have the most powerful flying fire-breathing beast in the White House.

05bil.gifWho's looking plump? Bill Richardson.

How fat is he? Actually, he's not looking all that fat. We just wanted an excuse to run this picture again:

Pity the poor horse

Aaaahhh, good times.

Prospects for slimming? Probably the only thing that gets you less exercise than riding on a horse is sitting on a horse that's standing perfectly still. Unless it's some kind of Zen-meditation-cum-dynamic-tension thing.

Oh, hey kids! The Comics Curmudgeon (looking svelte, natch) will be participating in a crazy Internet-themed comedy performance competition thing in New York City the night of June 22! Details are here. Come! Or don't, whatever. I promise I won't talk about political cartoons, though. You couldn't pay me enough to think about this crap more than once a week. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

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FINALLY. Of course, we say "finally," because we haven't been behind the scenes in the House Judiciary and Intelligence committees to witness the negotiating and wrangling firsthand, so we don't know what it's taken to make this happen, but clear your calendars for July 17, because Bobby Mueller is goin' to Congress!

Committee chairs Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler sent the letter late yesterday, accompanied by a subpoena, for Mueller to testify at 9 a.m. Eastern on July 17, which is a Wednesday, so you will presumably not be busy with brunch. The hearings for each committee will be back to back, after which members of Mueller's staff will meet with committee staff behind closed doors.

Schiff told Rachel Maddow last night that it should not be viewed as a friendly subpoena, because as we all know, Mueller has been very reluctant to become the star of the political circus this will surely create. However, he's gonna have to suck it up, because as we all saw after what happened when Mueller addressed the nation for 10 whole minutes, there is great value in actually having Mueller breathe life into his own work, for an American audience that hasn't read his 448-page report. (And we don't blame them/you! We probably wouldn't have read it all if it wasn't our job. It would probably be on our "list," like "someday I am going to watch 'The Sopranos' start to finish finally. And then I will read the Mueller Report!")

Point is, it needs to happen on live TV, where people can gather around at work and on the train and in the Fantastic Sams while they gets their hair did, and let this highly respected public servant tell the story of how America's most hostile enemy attacked the 2016 election in order to help Donald Trump, how the Trump campaign was positively orgasmic over that reacharound, and how Trump criminally obstructed the investigation into that hostile foreign attack at every turn.

And because Robert Mueller is a patriotic American who respects the rule of law and our institutions, he will be complying with the subpoena, because of fucking course he will.

Right off the bat, we have a couple of questions:

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Beds at the 'temporary' shelter in Homestead, Florida. US HHS photo.

The House of Representatives passed a $4.5 billion emergency bill to fund detention of undocumented immigrants and asylum seekers yesterday, but the bill's demands that government meet minimal standards of humane treatment led Donald Trump to threaten a veto, because no one puts cruelty in a corner. The bill passed largely along party lines, 230-195, with four progressive Democratic first-term representatives opposing it because they believed the machinery of the New Cruelty shouldn't get a single dollar more. Trump prefers a bill already passed by the Senate, which would provide a similar level of funding $4.6 billion), but lacks the House bill's crazy radical requirements that migrants be held in less horrifying conditions than have been reported in the last week.

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