Cartoon Violence Has Some Qualms About Mocking Underpaid Web Drones, But Is Going To Do So Anyway

Ladies and gentlemen, your Comics Curmudgeon:

You, the Wonkette readers at home, probably wonder what the scene is like down here at Cartoon Violence Central. Do we sit around surrounded by computer screens, each one with a direct feed of every political cartoonist in America's work, constantly scanning for new comics to mock? Are there teletype noises and hushed voices and vague evidence of movement in the background? Is it, in other words, a little like CNN's Situation Room?

In a word, no. In fact, our cartoon-mocking would probably be untenable, involving desperate searches across the wildly differing Websites of many cartoonists and syndicates over the course of the whole week, if not for the noble efforts of the good people at Slate, who put together this handy collection of political cartoons from around the nation. The sheer number of comics aggregated in one spot allows us to pretty much throw this feature together the night before Wonkette serves it up to you, the eager masses.

At least we usually aren't drunk when we write it.

Anyway, the Slate folks are good enough to break down the effluvia of the nation's editorial pages into helpful categories. And with hundreds and hundreds of cartoons to sort, it's no surprise that sometimes one gets misfiled. Of course, this is because the filing is done by someone who isn't paid enough to read through crappy political cartoons all day (because no amount of pay could possibly be enough -- believe us), but it's more fun to imagine that the Slate Web producers are sending us SECRET MESSAGES through these little "errors." This week in Cartoon Violence, we take a break from trying to unencrypt the CIA messages coming through our fillings to attempt to find a method to Slate's Cartoon Box madness.

01kat.gifActual topic: Katharine Harris' brave primary victory, which came in spite of the active hindrance of her party.

Filed by Slate under: "Steve Irwin."

Hidden message: Just as Steve Irwin used whatever techniques he could think of to keep dangerous wildlife under control, so too the Republican establishment has tried to keep the wild and untamable Kathy down. But just as nature eventually rose up and put an end to Irwin's beast wrangling once and for all, so too did our Harris defeat her oppressors to seize the crown of the Republican nomination for Senate!

Cheap shot: Ain't she a beauty? Crikey!

02ubl.gifActual topic: Osama bin Ladin, mastermind of the September 11 attacks, is still free five years later.

Filed by Slate under: "Iran."

Hidden message: Sure, Osama is a Sunni fundamentalist and the Iranians are Shi'ite fundamentalists, but their mutual hatred of America, along with a strong anti-Zionist slant, has created a certain unlikely understanding that ... oh, who are we kidding. THEY'S BROWN BEARDED A-RAB TERR'ISTS! THEY'S IN IT TOGETHER! Bomb 'em now while we gots the chance!

Cheap shot: This "accidental" cartoon placement sponsored by the Office of the Vice President and the Defense Department's Directorate for Iran.

03oil.gifActual topic: Due to its dependence on foreign oil, the United States is committing violent suicide -- and killing innocents in the process.

Filed by Slate under: "JonBenet."

Hidden message: With all of the other options seemingly discredited, we can only come to one conclusion: that JonBenet killed herself. But she made sure to bring others down with her: the circumstances of her death were such that she implicated her parents, who continuously trotted her from one loathsome beauty pageant to another, and thus ensured that their life would be the living hell that they made hers into.

Cheap shot: Either that or she was killed for the precious, precious oil reserves within her tiny body.

04ste.gifActual topic: Though Steve Irwin is best remembered for manhandling crocodiles, he also worked to preserve wildlife, and so they'll miss him now that he's gone.

Filed by Slate under: "Hurricanes and Weather."

Hidden message: Nature has it in for us. The animals and the weather: they're in it together. First the hurricanes are going to come for us, then, when we're nice and softened up, the crocodiles and bears and dingos and whathaveyou are all swooping in for the kill. Steve Irwin was our only hope. Steve Irwin. Only he could stop the animals. And now he's gone. Gone. We're pretty much done for.

Cheap shot: Steve Irwin was single-handedly better prepared to save us from the hurricane-crocodile nexus than FEMA ever was.

05tom.gifActual topic: It's been hard to get a good look at Tom Cruise's baby Suri ... and who can forget that wacky couch-jumping episode?

Filed by Slate under: "Nuclear Weapons."

Hidden message: The reason that Tom Cruise has been so secretive about his baby is that it's all an elaborate ruse, a cover to generate massive media hype and distract attention away from a horrifying secret: the Church of Scientology is attempting to develop nuclear weapons. By becoming the first religion with a nuclear capability, the Scientologists hope to keep governments from nosing into their affairs and finally convince everyone that they are not the same as the Christian Scientists, damn it.

Cheap shot: According to some very nice lawyers for the Church of Scientology I just talked to, there are no possible cheap shots I could make based on this cartoon. Also, Tom Cruise is totally straight. Yes sir. John Travolta, too. Yup. --COMICS CURMUDGEON


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