Cartoon Violence Has To Say "What The Hell?" Sometimes, Just Like You

It's time once again for resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon to analyze Today's Cartoons for your amusement and horror.

This week, Cartoon Violence tackles, uh... well, it's hard to say. Because none of these cartoons make any sense. But he does his best, little trooper. It's all after the jump.

You know, we've been doing this cartoon interpretation gig for a while now, long enough to feel like we're an "expert" of some kind. But does that mean that we're bored? That the world of comics has no more to offer us? That, like Alexander the Great, we weep because there are no new worlds to conquer, caricature-mocking-wise?

Thankfully, no. For, in truth, as long as there are deadline pressures bearing on cartoonists, as long as there are entirely unrelated headlines sitting on the page next to one another in a tempting fashion, and as long as there are artists willing to throw some crazy, bourbon-fueled shit together, there will be new objects of wonder on the pages of America's editorial section. This week: Cartoon Violence shares some of the baffling, confusing, poorly executed joy that just won't stop.

01bus.gifWhat the in God's name is going on here? Well, see, George Bush (you can tell that's him because he says he's the decider, even though it doesn't really look like him) is locked up in some sort of terrible torture dungeon. He's got a bucket to shit in and a mouse for his only friend.

What's that all supposed to mean? Good question. I mean, Bush's torture policies are in the news and all, but it's not like anybody's torturing him, unless this is some sort of wish fulfillment? Or is he "held prisoner," politically speaking, by his own torture policies?

What the hell, man? Yeah, seriously.

02pol.gifWhat the in God's name is going on here? Um, well, it turns out this "news item" (which we have to assume is made up) could be because liberal eggheads defined "religion" differently than actual religious people. Or that religious people don't identify as religious. Or ... something?

What's that all supposed to mean? It means that we live in a religious country, you commie atheist bastard, and that the religious right can claim to speak for all those people who don't go to church. I think. Also: liberal eggheads wear stripy suits and bow ties. Dorks!

What the hell? I know, I KNOW!

03wal.gifWhat the in God's name is going on here? See, Wal-Mart is the next stage in the evolution of capitalism, and those who it weeds out are like Neanderthals! No, I got it, Wal-Mart crushed Neanderthal Man, just like it crushed Mom and Pop stores across America! No, wait, if Democrats tie their wagon to the anti-Wal-Mart star, they'll quickly go extinct! No, hold on...

What's that all supposed to mean? I'm not going to lie to you: it means that there was a Wal-Mart story and a Neanderthal story on the front page of the paper on the same day.

What the hell? Yeah. Jeez.

04cub.gifWhat the in God's name is going on here? Well, uh, right now it's the end of baseball season ... and also the beginning of football season? And some of us have a hard time focusing on both things at once? And wouldn't it be cool if somehow the two sports were combined into one sport that used both rules and ... no, scratch that. I think it's just the confusion/season overlap thing. Probably.

What's that all supposed to mean? That the Chicago Tribune has a pretty loose definition of a "political" cartoon.

What the hell? Yeah, man. Dude. What the hell?

05sak.gifWhat the in God's name is going on here? Um, well, the "Path to 9/11" movie blamed everything on Clinton, so surely these other wars are next? Though if the Democrats could be associated with Star Wars -- the original ones, with Darth Vader -- their election would be assured, honestly. It would be trouble if the Dem Donkey were drawn as Jar Jar. That's how you lose an election. But Vader? He's a bad ass.

What's that all supposed to mean? If you were a political cartoonist, I could see why you'd want to draw Darth Vader all the time. I mean, that shiny black skull mask? Awesome. I'd be doing that evil breathing thing while I was drawing, too. So cool!

What the hell? "hoooo HAAAA hooo HAAAAA Luke! I am your father! hooo HAAAA" Fuckin' rad. --COMICS CURMUDGEON


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