Cartoon Violence Is Going To Keep Rubbing Every Lamp It Finds
Your elders and betters have no doubt been telling you for years that you need to "face reality" or "wake up to reality" or "join us in the reality-based community" or the like. But if you've successfully resisted these reality-focused jibes for this long, you no doubt believe something that we here at Cartoon Violence have held for years: that reality is deeply, deeply overrated, with its wars and suffering and white guys in dreadlocks spreading guerrilla marketing terror. This is one of the reasons we have retreated into the magical wonderland of cartoons, where the pen can bend time and space to its will to make a better world. In the political cartooning sphere, this power is mostly used to completely erase any facts that might undermine the cartoonist's political point; but sometimes instead it creates a brave new universe where reality takes a holiday and our greatest wishes are fulfilled. This week: political cartoonists dare to imagine awesomeness.
The rosy scenario: Oh, just imagine the fun! It'd be Boxcar Bill Bootstrap against "Preacher" Eddie in the battle for the nation's votes. Boring campaign speeches about "health care" and "the war in Iraq" would be replaced by insane rants about government mind control rays, why you should stay the hell away from the candidate's filthy shopping cart, and Jesus. Big campaign donations would be replaced by desperate scrounging for redeemable soda cans. Meticulous grooming would be replaced by a total absence of grooming.
Possible downside: U.S. military launches assault on Italy to capture that nation's strategic reserve of "sammiches."
The rosy scenario: As wacky banjo music plays in the background, Edwards, his wife, and his several attractive children chase the unruly bovines around their well-appointed living room. Oh, those cows! They'll poop on the rug! They'll push their noses against the wide-screen TV! They'll accidentally swish their tails and break the good china! Ho ho! Can we get a pig in there too? That'd be good fun! Whee! Cows!
Possible downside: Seduced by the beasts' beautiful brown eyes and soulful lowing, President Edwards jettisons his anti-poverty campaign promises in favor of a pro-cow agenda that includes larger pens, greener grass, and round-the-clock massages. Cheese prices skyrocket; Big Macs go underground.
Fantasy sequence: The entire field of 2008 presidential candidates is picked up by the unseen hand of some wrathful divine entity, which crushes the life out of them in the thin air high above the nation they once sought to lead, then drops their corpses down like rain on an unsuspecting but joyful populous.
The rosy scenario: See above. Also, the corpses will be labeled for your convenience.
Possible downside: Corpse removal duties force Americans to take a short break from watching television.
The rosy scenario: This is actually pretty much Wonkette's entire reason for existence, but I personally have been trying to get this started with Joe Biden's hair in particular for some time. However, we've clearly moved beyond the hair plugs issue, because now, if you haven't seen him lately, he's gone all poofy in the front and a little long in the back, and it's just ludicrous and bizarre and shameful. It's about halfway between a Founding Father-style powdered wig and a mullet, and it needs to stop, now. One might be tempted to support his presidential campaign if only to improve the quality of hairstyling advice that he will receive.
Possible downside: WALNUTS! McCain's status as an angry crazy old man overlooked in the media feeding frenzy over his embarrassing combover.
The rosy scenario: I was going to work up some elaborate metaphor in which the Israeli-Palestinian conflict would be acted out in the form of The Shining, and the Turkish treatment of Kurds and other minorities would be transformed into, I don't know, The Tommyknockers or some shit, but then I decided to just say "Seriously, what the fuck is this?" instead.
Possible downside: Seriously, what the fuck is this? --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON