Cartoon Violence Is Tired Of These Motherfucking Attempts to Link Motherfucking Current Events To Motherfucking Pop Culture

This very special edition of Cartoon Violence is brought to you by Today's Cartoons and Snakes on a Plane FEVER, which has infected our resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon -- along with, uh, The Descent fever, Floyd Landis fever, and drunk anti-semitism fever. Tragically, the Gawker Contributor health plan does not cover conditions caused by pointless action movie references (nor, we shoud clarify, any other conditions).

After the jump, cartoons tackle pop culture, wrestle it to the ground, and drain it of joy.

OK, political cartoonists: we know, it's hard churning out several cartoons a week. It's hard having a job that provides little money, less respect, and no job security. It's hard going home with ink all over your hands and not getting it all over the furniture. But for the love of God, don't take it out on the rest of us with the urine jokes, all right? I mean, we come to you for some sort of political insight, and instead we get, well, pee pee.

Yeah, I'm talking about you. And you!



"But Cartoon Violence," you may ask, "What happens if I'm on deadline and all I can think of is a piss gag?" Well, we're here to share with you our patented instant-political-cartoon formula: Current event + vaguely current pop-culture reference = comedy gold! We offer you some examples to guide your future efforts.

03iraq.gifThe formula: Tour de France doping scandal + dopey politicians = a metaphor for a race (or war) gone wrong!

Strength of tie-in: Low. You probably shouldn't ride a bike in Iraq because it provides inadequate shielding from the ambient level of explosions, and it's tricky to weave around the shrapnel and body parts. Plus Grand Ayatollah Ali Al-Sistani has declared bike shorts to be "whorish."

Thirty years from now, confused future historians will look at this and think: That with the way the Bush administration is prancing down the path, waving pom-poms and grinning like teenage girls, it's not testosterone they're overdosing on.

04plot.gifThe formula: Hot spelunkploitation movie + hot terrorist plot = hot -- and hilarious -- cartoon!

Strength of tie-in: Medium, but with the good guy/bad guy dichotomy reversed. We've replaced hot, scantily clad English chicks with a possibly English terrorist who is modestly clad in keeping with the principles of hijab. And the mysterious, hot-English-chick-eating cave beasts have been replaced with America's resolve, which is totally not mysterious because it's labeled in enormous block letters.

Thirty years from now, confused future historians will look at this and think: That this presaged the vicious Cave Bombing campaign of 2009, which is the reason why cave explorers can only take six ounces or less of water on their journeys.

05pluto.gifThe formula: Pluto the planet = Pluto the licensed trademark of the Disney corporation!

Strength of tie-in: High. I don't know if you've noticed, but the planet and the Mickey's pet dog have the same name. Yes, sir, Mickey's pet dog, who is ... not ... um ... the Disney character depicted here. Um. Hold on for a second, let's try that again.

Strength of tie-in: Low. What the fuck?

Thirty years from now, confused future historians will look at this and think: That if we had been a little nicer to the Plutonians before they conquered us, they might have made their Earthling slaves' standard ice-mining shift 18 hours instead of 20.

06melg.gifThe formula: War between anti-Semites and the Jewish state = An anti-Semite who says the Jews start all the wars!

Strength of tie-in: Medium. As much as they might have in common with their Jew hate, we're guessing you probably don't want to get the Melster started on the Muslims, either. Plus, strict Shi'ites like Hezbollah are firmly against booze consumption, and liquor is the secret formula that turns mild-mannered Mel into Super Anti-Semite! On the other hand, from pictures I've seen, Mel Gibson does have a beard now. So, there's that.

Thirty years from now, confused future historians will look at this and think: "How could anyone ever have said anything bad about the Oscar-winning director of The Passion of the Christ II: Resurrected and Loving It?"

07soap.gifThe formula: Snakes on a plane + anything = FUCKING AWESOME! SNAKES ON A PLANE, MOTHERFUCKER! WHOOO!

Strength of tie-in: Never mind the cartoon. Don't you think it's possible that the al Qaeda -- which is notoriously "snake-like" -- and the Snakes on a Plane people -- who have been notorious for their viral marketing efforts -- teamed up this month for the greatest terrorist plot/movie promotion deal in recorded history?

Thirty years from now, confused future historians will look at this and think: That if we didn't notice that the Arab head on the snake bodies has been photocopied and repasted three times, then we're not very observant. --The Comics Curmudgeon


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